Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Broke up because he felt "lost" is it BS.. Please help
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Maddie.
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So myself (22F) and my boyfriend (20F) met last year (2020) around June. He was a server at a local restaurant and I was a senior in college finishing my Bachelors degree. We hit it off and eventually started dating after about 3 months. We were really good together– we had so much passion, friendship, and healthy communication. We really had a special connection and he always told me how loved I made him feel. It was the happiest and healthiest relationship of my life.
His friends and family adored me and we each had a life that was both together and independent. He eventually moved back home (about an hour away) and we have been doing “long distance” since Nov. 2020. We texted throughout the day during the week but spent most weekdays apart in our own cities with our own friends and family. We really only spent weekends together and went on trips together during this time. This past summer I had an internship about 2 hours away and was planning to return to my university in the Fall for grad school. I was going to accept a Full time offer with the company I interned with in and start work there in May 2022. He told me for months he was going to move with me and told his family that “our plans were to move to this new city together.” We had long term plans to get married and start a family. Everything was great and we were continuing down this path together.
In late July 2021, he told me that he didn’t want to move with me anymore, he had spent time with me in this city over the summer and really hated it there. The next day he acted as though that conversation never happened and continued to text me throughout the day as normal. I was emotional after the conversation and needed a day or so to process how it made me feel. He told me I meant the world to him and he wanted to work it out. We gave each other a little space (1-2 days) and then he ghosted me for about 2 weeks. When I finally heard from him again he broke up with me via text claiming it would be too hard to see me. He said he just was unhappy with himself and needed time and space on his own.
Unsatisfied with the via text breakup, I went to his house on August 8 for a real conversation. He was actually warm about seeing me and opened up about how he was feeling. He told me he felt lost and didn’t know who he was or what he wanted to do with his life. He expressed that he was feeling deeply unhappy with himself and he cried in my arms for about 30 minutes about how he loved me but he just essentially couldn’t do it right now with how he was feeling. He said he was unmotivated and he seemed extremely confused. I should also mention that I am not in the same place in life. I am “successful” for my age, getting my masters degree in Computer Science, getting job offers, focused, motivated, driven. I would have been the breadwinner for sure. He expressed to me in the conversation that I just didn’t get it. I didn’t understand how he felt right now and how hard it was to be lost with no direction. And perhaps I don’t. We talked for about 2 hours and it was really powerful. We laughed and cried and kissed and he couldn’t stop hugging me. He also kept expressing that I didn’t need to leave when I started to get ready to go. He said he had really missed me and holding me again felt really nice.
I talked to his mom for a while before I left and she expressed that she was shocked and confused about the breakup (as was I). She seemed to think it wasn’t really over for him, and that he was just going through something and closing himself off. She told me she had never seen him love someone the way he loved me and she was surprised at how vulnerable he was with me during our conversation. His friends and brother also expressed that he was making a mistake, that he would never find someone like me again and that I was really good for him.
He left the breakup very open ended, saying things like “This isn’t goodbye forever, I’ll talk to you soon. I love you and I miss you. I can still see our future together I just can’t get there right now. Maybe in time we can get lunch and restart.” and he also said that maybe in September we could meet up to talk again. So we have been in no contact since August 9th, but he still actively watches everything I post online and his mom still reaches out to let me know she’s thinking of me.
So what do I do now everyone? Is he really lost or am I just being played for a fool? Should I wait for September? or reach out eventually if he doesn’t? Or is it time for me to clean house, let go, and move on with no attempt at reconciliation? Please help.
Liz Lemon
I think you need to take his uncertainty at face value. If he does not want to move to the city with you, that’s legit. You are both super young- I’m sorry to pull the age card- but my son is his age and there is no way he has the maturity to commit to a young woman to the point where he’d move to another city with her and plan a future. There was no way *I* was mature enough at your age to do that (I realize that now, although I’m sure I thought that same way as you when I was your age!). You both have a lifetime of meeting and dating other people ahead of you.
I’m sure he cares about you deeply but he has made it clear he is not at the point where he can commit. He was honest with you about that. You sound like you have your sh!t together, and he is still figuring things out– you are not at the same place in life. It happens. I know you talked about getting married and having a family, but you are both so, so young to be thinking that. People change their minds, too. It sounds like he has.
I think the best thing you can do is move on and date other people. You will have a new job in a new city–it will be exciting and a great opportunity to meet new guys.
I will add, as a mother with a son that age– his mom needs to butt out. I think it’s very inappropriate of her to be contacting you, frankly. It’s unfair as well because it’s jerking your emotional chain. She needs to stay out of the relationship. I never stick my nose in my son’s relationships like that! Just my two cents.Liz Lemon
“His friends and brother also expressed that he was making a mistake, that he would never find someone like me again and that I was really good for him.”
“He said he was unmotivated and he seemed extremely confused. I should also mention that I am not in the same place in life. I am “successful” for my age, getting my masters degree in Computer Science, getting job offers, focused, motivated, driven. I would have been the breadwinner for sure.”
One more comment: don’t make the mistake of settling for a guy with much less ambition than you. I’m sure he’s a lovely person. But these things you’ve written make me wonder if you aren’t “settling” a bit. You’re a driven, focused, motivated woman getting a graduate degree in a Computer Science; he’s a server in a restaurant. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that job, but you two seem to be at very different places in your life. Did he go to college? Does he aspire to anything aside from working in the restaurant? And since you’ve said so much about his mom– what does YOUR family and friends think about him?
Raven
You sound like you are mature & have an amazing future ahead of you!
He sounds lost & immature…
Yes, it’s time for you to move forward. Don’t put any aspect of your life on hold for this guy. You can meet up later, but except nothing. Also, he should be the one to reach out to you.
Liz Lemon
(one more thing and I’ll shut up– just to prove I’m not a snob, LOL)– I have a graduate degree and my boyfriend dropped out of college and is an electrician. He is legit the love of my life, and my best friend. He’s interesting, funny, intelligent, and a super motivated and driven guy with a lot of interests. He has more money and better credit than I do, LOL. So it’s not to say that someone with a lot of education can’t be happy with someone who does not have formal education; but again, don’t sell yourself short to be with someone without ambition, interests, or focus.
Maddie
This really sucks, and I’m sorry.
While love is important, compatibility is equally important when you’re talking about marriage and children. I think you’re both frustrated because you’re realizing you care about each other a lot but aren’t compatible, don’t want the same things in life longer-term, are not at the same life stages. It doesn’t make it less painful, but it does allow you to both cut your losses instead of forcing something and getting deeper into attachment and commitment and blending your lives together, only to find it even more difficult and heartbreaking AND complicated to untangle them later (ie if he did move in with you, hated the city, was very unhappy, made you unhappy, then had to move out, it’s a lot of effort and upheaval for you both).
I agree with what the other posters said, too. Plus, it’s very difficult to make these decisions when you’re that young and aren’t even sure of what you want. I’d personally try to make a clean break with this one. Take time to be sad, but then keep exploring and learning about yourself and figuring out what you want. If this is eventually meant to be, you can find each other again. But putting your life on hold for a possibility, when he may never get there or maybe he continues to grow apart from you and you remain incompatible, would be really selling yourself and your own needs and goals way too short.
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