Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Busy BF didn't contact for two weeks
- This topic has 73 replies and was last updated 5 years, 10 months ago by
Ellie.
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Blair
Dior, you know this man well. Trust your gut. You were positive his behavior wasn’t because he has something bad to hide i.e. Cheating, ghosting etc. that’s good. He gave you valid reasons to have such faith.
You guys haven’t really go through the “bad times” yet. This will be a test for the both of you. So I agree with your collected reply. Go ahead with that. Talk to him from the most loving position. Love him like this is the most genuine love. Don’t regret. You’ll know if he doesn’t worth it.
Walk away when all else fail.
Things will be fine darling x
Mae
Hi Dior,
I just wrote a long reply and it got erased. Technology fails me today. Anyway…
Thank you for the update. We all want the best for you. First, I commend you for using this time to keep yourself busy; it’s not always easy. Second, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders in terms of how to approach the matter. You held back what would have been a purely emotional reaction, so kudos to you. That takes a lot of strength.
To your point, it takes two. But allow me to play Devil’s Advocate. With all due respect, there are TWO of you and he’s acting like he’s the only ONE in the equation. It’s acceptable on some level to close down when you’re under pressure, but not to the extent that you wouldn’t inform your partner about momentous events like injuries. And not to the extent that he thinks it’s perfectly okay to drop off the face of the earth. While you’re walking on eggshells trying to be a good girlfriend and are coming from a good place, here’s the thing: You teach people how to treat you. Your silence and passive acceptance of his behavior is training him into thinking this is all okay. He can come and go as he pleases because he knows you’ll never voice your needs. He may not even be conscious of it, and I bet there’s no ill-will behind his neglect, but you’d be surprised just how the mind works.
I believe you (and his guy friend, even) are subconsciously making excuses for him. Lines like, “Give him a break,” and, “It’s not all a bed of roses,” and, “He’s that type,” all carry the subtext that you’re too afraid to confront the issue. While some level of distance during stress is acceptable, he’s taken it too far. Don’t you deserve more than crumbs? Don’t you deserve to be communicated to and informed instead of YOU having to reach out? You can still approach this firmly, but from a loving place. But you need to stick to your guns. I’m imagining something like this (IN PERSON):
“I want you to know I’m so proud of you. You’re always going above and beyond to achieve. I really would love to have the opportunity to be a bigger part of it. It sounds fun, but also stressful. There’s something I want to say that I maybe should have brought up sooner, but you didn’t seem available. I want you to know that, when I don’t hear from you for two weeks, it makes me feel like I’m adding to your stress and that I need to back off. That’s not really how I do relationships. I’m not asking for much- but there are things about my life I’d like to share with you, too. A lot can happen it two weeks. I value the time we are together and in order for us to continue, it’s very important that we have more frequent, open communication. I have to say, it put me off when I found out about your shoulder. I wish you had told me, but instead I reached out to you after all that time. I know you’re going through a lot, but there are two of us. What are your thoughts?”
And the truth is, if you’re afraid of confronting him because he might get “scared away,” ask yourself if you really want to be with someone like that.
Dior
@Blair
Thank you! I also want to love without holding back. I do understand if that person don’t value it then it’s his loss, not mine. So right now, I will exhaust all my options before giving him the ultimatum. You’re right that this is just the beginning,@Mae
Thanks for your reply! It’s really helpful. I will save the script, i need them :) yes, I might have subconsciously trained him to this although it didn’t happened much before. I might have given him the impression that I’m that type who’s okay with no communication for so long. So I would like to take this incident as a real challenge on how we could overcome it. I’m not running anymore, I will tell him these when we meet. Thanks for your wonderful suggestions again! this is exactly what I need to hear posting here as I’m not very good at talking out my feelings, keep afraid that I would mess up when I turn emotional… You know–cry lol.Sherri
Maybe send him an email then?? or write it down and ask him to read it as you are getting to emotional to say it …. some suggestions
Rags
Have either of you made any arrangements to actually meet?
Bedazzle
Nope, no email or text. When important conversations need to be had it needs to be a discussion in person. Don’t need to add other circumstances which could cause misunderstanding. With writing you can’t see or hear all the other cues of communication that can’t be expressed with writing.
Dior, I have been seeing on this forum a lot of women confused about when a man withdraws. It is a natural way of how men are wired and it is most effective if women can learn to understand it and work with it. A useful book right now might be Men are From Mars and Women are from Venus, by John Gray. It is a really great overview of how men and women handle their emotions differently. He talks about why men pull back and what to do. Might be helpful.
Keep staying focused on the positive aspects of your relationship and you will handle this discussion just fine.
Ashley
I agree with bedazzle. I would definitely not say anything unless it’s face to face. If he’s already stressed & not up to par, the last thing he would respond well to is that type of thing. He’d be like oh great more crap to deal with. He’d also be user that you can’t understand what he is going through & instead worried about petty texts. I don’t condone his behavior but I think it’s best for both of you if you let him be, keep busy doing what you like until he comes around. This guy I was talking to (not the one I mentioned before, but a different one lol) went mia for 4 days when before he would text me 24/7 .. I figured something must have came up so I didn’t contact him & when he contacted me I learned he broke his hand & foot. Along with work stress. He was super apologetic & I could tell how much he respected & appreciated that I let him be & when he did contact me I wasn’t bent out of shape. Much more attractive if you can understand & be happy with your own stuff instead of acting like he’s the center of your universe. I don’t mean to sound like I’m making excuses for him or saying it’s acceptable to go 2 weeks while in a relationship but just saying I can see their point of view :)
Ashley
Upset* not user lol
Dior
Argh, my post is gone… I figured out, we should all type in a notepad or whatever space instead of typing straight on this forum. So you can copy and paste again if the post is gone.
I plan to tell him face to face. I’m feeling more positive and calm now as I give myself some space too. Anyway, I sent him a short text with a few lines from mine and mae’s which he hasn’t read yet. Thanks again Mae, I think that whole thing really summarizes my feelings well and I’m going to say the rest in person. It’s really late here when I send the text and I saw his fb is offline for hours way before my text. I know he will respond within 24/7 if not immediately after seeing it.
@rags
We haven’t made any arrangement as I avoided to further the conversation earlier (was in an emotional state).@bedazzle
Yes I’ve read the book! He’s the epitome of a Martian. Many ladies here think I’m over trying to be the nice understanding gf, I’m not going to be a doormat by giving him the power or say. I’m doing this as a lover who wants this relationship to head to a healthy direction. While I’m doing my part, it’s up to him now, how much he wants this too. If not, then…. Bad timing unfortunately. I won’t stay either.@ashley
My thoughts exactly. I can picture the crazy sh** he’s going through now. The last thing he want is to deal with another crap from a side he thought is better lol. The text was short but lovely according to my friends. No pressure given, but will prompt meet up/the talk etc.It’s alright guys, I don’t feel upset or mad anymore. I actually feel more emphatic and calm now. So I’m able to give him the space to come to me. I’m gonna be busy tomorrow! See what’s he going to say when he read the text and I’m pretty sure we will meet up soon. Then I’ll say the rest.
Thank you ladies for all your encouragement :)
I’ll definitely update you all!
Ashley
Sounds good :)
Van1962
I agree with LAM!!!
Blair
Van1962, LAM’s approach is somehow bitter and it’s not the right thing to do for OP’s situation. Never jump into conclusion and end a relationship instantly as soon as there’s a bump. Trust your gut on what kind of person he is and what red flag is that.
Dior you’re doing fine and moving forward to the right way! Stop going back to page 1.
Keep it up and all the best :)
Missy K
I’ve finally read all 3 pages and I’d like to say…. GOOD JOB DIOR! You’re doing everything right so far. A really great gf that deserves the best bf :)
Giving the benefit of doubt, this situation is really really… challenging. Based on your story, I assume that he has been very consistent with you. He only started to become distant when this injury happened, which is kinda serious. Every guys handle things differently, some would want to be in touch with their love ones asap, some like your bf would go to his man cave. So don’t think too much! Don’t take it personally. He clearly does not want you to worry.
Let me tell you something… when my brother injured his legs while training (he’s a star player), he got into rehab and physio and that pain he went through brought tears to my eyes. He was in so much pain and stressed. He wanted to recover as soon as possible because the competition is in 3 WEEKS time and that’s all in his mind. Didn’t mean he lose interest or want to shut away from his gf, but it’s just how their mind works. Intense I know.
You’ve done well by sending him a lovely text… takes a rational mind to do it at this point. Most girls would just bust those toxic replies you mentioned and THAT’S when your thread title would be like ‘Messed up, blew up on bf, what should I do?’.
Don’t listen to those who said your bf has low level of interest, not prioritizing you etc… he was consistent before right? He still check in with you and meet you when he was super busy. That means he still cares about you.
Let him come to you now. Give him some space. Don’t fret if he hasn’t reply you yet. I’m sure he doesn’t want you to see him in his current state… just like my brother. Thinking back how he struggled the whole process, I think he’s really amazing and made me tear up every time.
A love that is based on trust and intimacy is the most beautiful. He has obviously earned your trust. Be his strength. Your understanding is most important to him now. I know you’ll be able to go through this and he will see how he has won a prize and will treasure you :)
Mae
Just checking in. How are you doing?
Jenny
Nope, nope, and nope. First off, in a healthy relationship whether you’re “emotional” or not, if that’s a part of who you are, he loves and accepts that so there should be no fear of stating your feelings *after a logical PAUSE of course*. Also, 2 weeks and not even 5 minutes to text “Thinking about you” “miss you” “blah blah blah”. He prob just has a very detached personality. Maybe a little selfish as well. And now you’ve just been conditioned to accommodate to HIS whims. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you, just that HE is his first priority. Through my experience *of me being my first priority. Lol* I can say that if he’s not willing to make concessions or compromises. He cares, but you’re dispensable. I don’t know how long you’ve been with him. But if you truly love him, hold out a bit longer, DON’T fear constant initiative on your part- shoot him “I miss you texts” yourself. Initiate dates, pretty much chase him bc there’s NO way he’ll be chasing you but also grow a think skin because he’ll say no sometimes and make you feel secondary because right now you are. In time, he’ll appreciate your persistence and loyalty and feel you’re deserving of the adjustment. Few can handle this, depends how bad you want him and if you feel he’s worth it
Mi
I am wondering what happened with you two after this?
Ewa
I think you should send him a text even to ask how is he doing and say that you miss him.
Jacquetta
Hi Dior,
At first, I was thinking this guy needs to find a few minutes to text his GF! But as your story unfolded I began to think there’s not much to worry about around the texting itself. He’s very busy for a couple of weeks. He responds quickly to your texts. Yes, it would be nice if he initiated, but you are totally sure he’s genuinely busy. Probably he’s losing track of time. Consequently, it’s very unlikely he’s keeping tabs on who sent the first/last text. Anyway, you’re in a committed relationship, why should it matter who texted first? Surely it’s an ongoing exchange now?
However, this doesn’t mean that there isn’t something needing attention here! The fact that you are keeping track of and worrying about who sent texts first (goodness, there was even a ration breakdown in one message!) or last and monitoring his social media usage, suggests that maybe you haven’t got enough in your life! What do you do that engages your attention so deeply that you forget everything else for a while?
There’s an imbalance here that has nothing to do with texting. The guy is busy with forging a career, is passionate about his sport, and has plans for the future. (Maybe needs to check his life-work balance if the current level of busy goes on too long – burn-out alert!) On the other hand, you seem to have no passions or aspirations outside the relationship, to just want to be part of his projects. This could bring all sorts of future problems between you and for you individually.
Also, you are not sharing your emotional states in a healthy way. You have recently introduced to this story his stress levels and how he doesn’t want you to see his weaknesses. That’s not great, coming to you for support might actually make the relationship stronger. Meanwhile, you are analysing to bits about how to discuss your communication during this busy period. In a balanced relationship, you both should be able to discuss your feelings from a standpoint of taking responsibility for yourselves while seeking understanding and support to do so from the other.
By all means, have the face to face talk about how the two of you communicate during this busy period. But also look at what else there is in your own life and ask him to think about how he deals with stress.r
Good luck.
anon
honestly, a man who is truely interested in you and wants you in his life will make time for you, talk to you, see you. Being busy is an absolutely bs excuse for not chatting to a partner often. It takes 5 minutes. Do you really think he didn’t have 5 minutes in 2 weeks? Other than your feeling regarding him being perfect and being in love with you, you have nothing to go on. His actual actions tells you he doesn’t give two hoots about you.
Caru
After 2 years, I am curious of the updates.
Ellie
I’m really curious on what happened to you guys after two years. Please give us an update.
Kathy
An update after almost 3 years?? That might be called sort of delusional.
Ellie
@katy who knows??
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