Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › busy boyfriend how to cope and not overthink
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Maddie.
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Luci
my boyfriend and I have been together since May last year, both over 30. He is going through some really busy time in his life, with being offered a promotion (he needs to write an essay and then attend an interview) and at the same time finishing his masters (writing final thesis).
He told me when things are happening, so I know all the dates etc and it seems like he will be less busy mid March. He phones every other day and initiate most of the time, but his got this weird habit of not initiating on Sundays. I stopped bothering him as I want him to do his thing, but I am also starting to overthink that maybe he is using this as an excuse.
We were seeing each other once or twice a week since January , because he spends most of his evening writing his thesis, researching etc. He sends me them so I can review it . We recently got back from a city break that he paid for. But now I don’t know when I am going to see him next .He did ask but we don’t tend to plan dates in advance , but maybe we should start.
So I am just really trying to get an advice on how to cope with less communication , less time together and be supportive at the time and not overthink that he might be losing interest.
thank youMaddie
Can you swap out maybe two of the phone calls each week for video chats of equal length instead? That may help the month seem like it’s going by a little faster since you’re still interacting face to face sometimes.
Does he not reach out Sundays due to either using his bit of free time that day to watch football (which is now over for the season, assuming you’re in the US) or attend religious services or some other weekly activity?
It’s a good sign he’s been transparent about his schedule and exactly why he’s busy and is trying to stay connected, versus just ghosting or confusing you. It’s also only temporary and has an upcoming end date when his busy schedule will slow down and open back up. I don’t think you have anything to be worried about yet.
A
Some guys lose interest. It’s what they do. There’s nothing us women can do to stop it. Overthinking a situation or paying more attention to him actually makes him more prone to losing interest. You just have to see how it plays out. If you’re meant to be with him, he will not lose interest though. His feelings will grow stronger everyday. Sadly in this situation, it sounds like that’s not the case. A man who is excited about you will show you everyday, regardless of his busy schedule. He will want to call you, video chat, see you and make you happy. A guy not making contact with you everyday is someone who does not see a future with you. Sorry to say. That’s abnormal behavior. It sounds to me like maybe he realized this on the last trip he took with you as to why you haven’t seen him since then.
Maddie
But he’s still calling her several times a week and took a trip with her to spend quality time because he knew he was about to get busy for a month… I don’t see anything abnormal about that for someone who both works AND goes to grad school at the same time who is trying to submit their final thesis. Working and going to school at the same time is difficult, and requires balancing time for a relationship with time for yourself so you don’t burn out. He’s not going cold without warning or without communicating or anything. In this case, I see no reason yet to believe he is losing interest. Especially if he reaches out for Valentine’s Day, and certainly if he resurfaces exactly when he said he will.
The only reasons to potentially worry at this point are if he’s had a history of being unreliable and not keeping his word in the past or running hot and cold or resisting letting the relationship get serious over the past 9 months. Has he given you any reasons in the past not to trust him, Luci?
Luci
Hi, thank you.
He has never cancelled on me or anything like that. He reaches out everyday pretty much apart from Sundays, but that’s him initiating 90% of the time, I think his issue on Sunday is , he doesn’t do much, all he does is laundry and cleaning and prepping for the week ahead and now he is obviously busy studying. He has been like that since the beginning though. I am also not stupid and a realise that he still has free time to eat , watch football etc but maybe he is taking Sunday’s to recharge as he is quite introverted.
He messaged me last night after work and set up a date with me tonight.
The trip we had was last week, we got back on the 7th , so it has only been 5 days.Luci
Another issue I have is that he has not introduced me to his family. He doesn’t see them a lot , since May he saw them maybe twice as they live 3h away. He mentioned going there for Xmas with me but I had other plans. However every week he keeps asking when I am going to take him to see my parents ( they live in another country) . I haven’t introduced him to anyone from my family either. He even asked once as a joke if I am ashamed of him. But then why would I be introducing him if he doesn’t want to introduce me ?
Raven
About his parent question… You reply, right after I meet yours…
Luci
This is what I keep saying but his reply is : when would you like ?
And the conversation ends there …Raven
I also wonder (about your original question), are you looking for reasons to be unhappy?
He seems to be keeping you apprised of his goings on & continues to set up dates regularly…
Raven
“This is what I keep saying but his reply is : when would you like ?
And the conversation ends there …”Why don’t you answer his question?
Luci
I don’t know because in my head even if I said when, chances of them meeting me on that day etc are very slim so it just sounds like a very rethorical question.
I am not looking for the reasons to be unhappy I guess I have had some bad experience before with men so I get anxious at times.Maddie
If he’s not close to his parents, he may not be in a rush for you to meet them because he’s got issues with them, not with you. I had a couple exes like that, and I was a little paranoid it was saying something about me that it took a long time to get introduced, but the parents were… complicated people, and spending time with them wasn’t particularly pleasant. So after finally meeting them, I understood the wait.
It sounds like your anxiety is holding you back a bit with your boyfriend. He asked when you were free after your city trip and you said you didn’t answer him because you haven’t tended to plan dates in advance but were feeling anxious that you had no concrete upcoming plans for a few days due to knowing he’s busy. You’re not telling him that you’d like to meet his family and being a little passive aggressive about it instead. I don’t think you have much to worry about with him from what you’ve described, but you’ve got some past baggage you may want to look into while he’s busy so you can be more open with him and less anxious about dating in general. It makes a world of difference to work through and recover from past baggage on your own side and not walk on eggshells or be anxious when you’ve met a decent guy and you’re both serious about each other, it feels a lot better :)
Luci
I agree that he might not be close to them, he only really speaks to his mum , never really mentions his dad, I know he has brothers but they never visited him or he has never went there to see them unless it is family gathering like xmas for example.
I have started reading a book called attached and it seems to me that I might be anxious avoidant , which will explain why I am trying to find the negatives in the relationship when things are going great.Maddie
That’s a great start! It’s a little easier to find more information about that attachment style by looking up “fearful avoidant” (it means the same thing as anxious avoidant but easier to find info if you search for it that way, if you decide to keep looking into it after reading Attached). Free videos by Thais Gibson have a lot of good information about it, too. Good luck!
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