Call him out or let him go?

Patty, wake up and smell the espresso. He is perfectly happy with the “pen pal” situation and is not interested in meeting you or having a relationship IRL. He will only do enough to keep you on the hook. And you are very willing to stay on the hook.

This isn’t going anywhere. He’s already in a relationship, emotionally unavailable, not who he says he is, or something. Doesn’t matter at this stage.

He’s had plenty of opportunity to organize meeting you. He’s not going to do it. All you can do now is have the wisdom to is tell him that as you haven’t met in six months, you’ve decided it’s time for you to move on to meeting men you can have actual dates and spend time with. He will protest and call and make promises but it’s been too much of your valuable time that you can’t get back to keep going with the flow. Tell him your decision is made and block him after you’ve both been able to say goodbye.

Value yourself and your time enough to walk away from this guy.

Angiebaby nailed it, and mama’s callout on catfishing is also a good point. It wouldn’t hurt to watch a few episodes of the tv show Catfish… it very clearly shows episode after episode that being in a situation in which someone won’t meet in person doesn’t result in romantic relationship happy endings. There’s usually very serious issues that lead up to these situations, and those who refuse to meet are happy to be in touch in these emotional situationships for as long as the other person allows (some people go on the show after “almost” meeting for years and years…). Earlier episodes aren’t overproduced, later ones get a little less “real” and more “reality tv,” but you still get the gist and can learn more about red flags online.

Let this one go.

So a little update. I decided better to know then wonder, so I asked him flat out why we haven’t met yet. He said he honestly wasn’t sure but he guesses it was because I didn’t seem comfortable going out with all the covid stuff but if I was free on a Sunday we should make plans. So we did and I met him this past Sunday. We had a great time.

Now is where it gets hard for me. I am anxious attached and I don’t want to ruin any potential I may have with this guy. I don’t want to get clingy or annoying or drop hints that I want him to ask me out or see him again. I want it to be natural and just flow and not try to control the situation and know the outcome. It is very hard for me when I finally find someone I click with.

He texted me last night which made me happy that I didn’t text first after the date. We chatted a bit but he was working and it was late and I fell asleep when he sent his last response to me. I guess I don’t know how to act normal now and not push him away. Do I respond to his last message? Do I hang back and see if he texts again? I really do want to see him again and I don’t know how to find out how he feels about me or if he wants to get together again. I don’t want to bring it up again since I was the one to bring up it up last time. I don’t want to keep texting about nonsense because that’s what I usually do and I tie significance to texting when I know there isn’t any. I just want to see him again and see if there is something there. I don’t know how to act normal now. Part of me feels I should just respond and say I hope he had an uneventful night with work and a good day today or something along those lines and the other part is like, don’t respond, don’t answer too frequently, see what he does. I’m over thinking it already and I’m scared I’m going to self sabotage. Help!

You ARE trying to control the situation and the outcome here. And you don’t really know how well you and this guy click- you’ve met him once (and even arranging that one meeting took forever).

If getting a guy to meet you for a date is like pulling teeth, then he’s not that into you. A lot of guys like texting/chatting with women because they enjoy the attention, but they have no interest in real-life interactions. It sounds like this guy is one of those. A man who wants to see you will ask. It’s amazing how easily things flow when a guy is into you– they absolutely take action and make their interest known.

I think his Covid excuse (not asking you to meet for 6 months because of Covid)- is BS- I don’t know where you live, but pretty much everywhere in the USA has been open for months. You could have met for a coffee or a lunch or just a walk, even. So I don’t think he’s that interested in really hanging with you in person, it sounds like he just likes texting. That’s just my opinion. I agree with Gaia that if he is interested in seeing you again, he should ask- you shouldn’t have to initiate everything.

IF (big IF) he reaches out and wants to make concrete plans, it’s fine to plan to get together! What we’re saying is, don’t let this guy e-tether you- look up e-tethering. If he’s just texting to chat and be a pen pal, and doesn’t want to actually hang out in person, he’s wasting your time.

What we’re saying is you definitely shouldn’t force the issue or be the one initiating plans all the time. If he does not initiate getting together, he’s only interested in being a pen pal.

And if he keeps texting without plans to meet, it’s perfectly fine to tell him it was nice knowing him, but you’re seeking to meet and date guys in person, so you wish him well but would rather not communicate anymore.

Thank you, you are all right. I will be ok. And I know I’ve been talking to this guy a while but I really don’t “know” him. Who knows what he has going on that has nothing to do with me. I get most upset with myself that I get attached quickly and always need to know where things are or aren’t going. I am recognizing my pattern though and trying to not fall into the overanalyze/obsess mindset.

My last request for advice..what do I do now? We texted a bit Tuesday night, I responded to him Wednesday morning and he sent me a message Wednesday afternoon. That was the last we were in contact. Hang back and see what he does? See if he texts or calls? I know my anxiousness is kicking up and this is my need to make sure there is still a “connection” but I want to be smart and just let the cards fall where they may. I want to be as normal as I can possibly be. I had been hanging back and when he wanted to talk he would reach out so I guess that’s the path I take. I just don’t want him to think I’m not interested or don’t want to see him again.

Yeah that is pretty blunt lol and hurts to read it but maybe that is what I need to see.

I guess I can’t reconcile that he wouldn’t be interested if he stayed in touch this long and did actually show up for the date. I live in NY, he lives in NJ so he had to cross two bridges to see me. He could have flaked or stopped texting/calling at any point. But there was effort made on his part. I don’t know if I’m making excuses for him or continuing to try and reason it out but I will have to sit back and just let it be. Just sucks that I feel we are so similar and alike on so many levels but like you said, I can’t force a connection or force him to do what I want just because I like him. It has to be mutual.

Maddie put it beautifully. Also, the fact that this guy continues to engage with you, and traveled from NJ to NY to see you once, does not mean he wants, or is capable of, anything romantic with you. I’m sure he enjoys texting you and talking to you, so why would he stop? You say there was effort on his part, but texting is extremely low effort!

When I met my bf, he was working 50+ hours a week, co-parenting his child with his ex-wife, and dealing with a family health crisis (his mother was sick and needed surgery, and he was the family member in charge of taking her to the surgery and seeing her through her recovery). He still found time to take me out 1-2 times a week and text/call me constantly. I heard from him every single day, multiple times a day, no exceptions. That’s what it looks like when a guy wants to build a romantic relationship with a woman he’s met. Like Maddie said, have higher standards for yourself for guys. When you do, dating is so much easier.

I think patty you hv got good advice above. What you hv with this guy, many of us have gone thru similar experiences. And we keep makin excuses for the guy. If the man is genuinely interested in you, he makes efforts and that shows. What liz has written just read it again..

Thing is he likes interacting with you.. but sadly thats about it. U need to be able to accept that.. pls stop engaging with this guy so frequently vide chats cause thats creatin confusion in your head. This is just a casual interaction vide chats. Dont blow it up in your mind to be something more.

There is this guy in my life. On off friends. Amazing crazy chemistry when we meet. I was alwys interested in him. And each time we had some intense chats i wld feel yes hes intrstd for sure. He does like me. And kept hoping. He stayd around 4 hours drive away. But bottomline is he dint like me enough to make efforts to see me. It tuk me a long time to accept. But its a lesson i learnt for life. Btw am still in touch with this guy and yes i still find him v attrctv. But i know hes not lukin to get invlvd. So thats that. I visit his city regularly for work but nolonger even think of contacting him for a casual meet.

You need to accept that its a casual interaction and not serious with this guy. And stop making excuses for him.

My thoughts say oh what’s the harm in sending a message to him, but there is harm because it’s all me. Throwing myself out there when he hasn’t. Right?

I agree with Liz a 100%!!! Playing games, not really. Forget evrything but just think this thru. 1 meeting in 6 months. Like really? And u think hes interested? Thats wht it all boils down to.. interaction for 6 months vide internet dsnt mk this a relatnship!

I guess we are pushing this bec we dont want you to go thru wht we did. U seem sooo interested in a man whos not! It was probably the same with me. There were days that would go by and he wldnt connect. And i wld analyse n over think and go thru last interactions in detail. Try to make sense of inane conversations and somehow try an dlink those to long silences.

But its all very simple. Hes not makin any efforts cause hes not that into you.

Something I also had to learn the hard way: you can’t date potential. It’s got to be what’s right in front of you and that’s it. Once you need to start making excuses for them, there’s no actual potential!