Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Can a man suddenly lose interest or am I being paranoid?
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Tammy.
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Sith
I met a guy a few months ago , and we’ve been good ever since. Our meeting was purely coincidental and we’ve both never thought we’d still be here based on how we got talking.
We’ve both confessed to liking each other after a while.
We’ve talked about a relationship , however due to some current issues in both of our lives we both decided it was best to take things easy wait till I’m back home and spend more time together .
We’ve only seen a few times as I’ve been away for my study abroad and do visit some times, so we would see the few times I was visiting.
Everything is basically good between us and I could see he is very much into me.
I had just come back from my trip a few days ago, he came to pick me from the station. And we went out for lunch and then back to my place.
He was very excited to have me back and was literally acting like a puppy.
He ended up spending the night, we generally had a good day even though we had a lil argument that day over something which was my fault and I apologized but we had a good time.
We kissed and hugged before he left the next day ( we live 3hours apart) and he asked when we’d see again.Then after he left, he texted to let me know he was home. His text also seemed quite off like he wasn’t happy or something.
I felt that he was probably tired from driving for 3 hours and also had to attend a family function so I just let him be.
He didn’t reach out the rest of the day, also didn’t reach out the next day, I then sent him a text in the evening, his responses still seemed like he wasn’t in the mood.
Now I’m not sure what is going on anymore.I’m actually kind of freaking out cause I can’t tell what is happening.
I mean I have basically been gone for some time, in and out and the last week just before I got back he was doing a countdown to the day before I came back, he made arrangements for where we would have lunch 3 days prior to when I got back, asked my food preferences so he would book the right place, he basically was hyped about everything.He even went to spend the night close to where the station is , since it’s 2 hours from where he stays just so he would be there waiting before I got there.
I even asked my brother not to pick me up cause this guy wanted to be the one who comes to pick me.
When we got to my place, he met my brother for the first time and he seemed really happy to have met him.
Also for context, my brother and I rent an apartment together so I’m not in a family house.He was basically looking forward to me being back and we spent a good evening together just for him to switch the moment he left and is acting weird.
I don’t know if this is just me overthinking and imagining things. I was expecting that after sometime without seeing each other the energy would be a lot more than what we had on phone.
I’ve thought about every possible reason he could be acting differently.Example: So he wasn’t supposed to stay over at my place, we were meant to have lunch, he drops me off and leave.
So when he told me he’d like to stay over I replied “hmm, really ”.
After lunch he said he had to hurry and drive home, I asked if he wasn’t staying over again.
He said I didn’t seem happy or excited that he wanted to stay, that my reply made him feel some way and he thought to give me some alone time.
I asked if he was expecting me to jump and be all over the place cause he wanted to stay over and that I was glad he wanted to, I didn’t need to be overly excited, maybe I could have worded my reply differently.
I ended up telling him that I was happy he wanted to stay and that it would be nice and he said okay he’d stay.When he texted to let me know he was home I told him again that I know I suck at showing excitement or emotions but I was glad he stayed. His reply was weird and that was basically the end of the convo until I texted him the next day.
I’ve thought so much if it was my lack of excitement that is making him lay back suddenly, even though I know he is never really the type to overthink situations like this and he already knows how I feel about him, this shouldn’t change anything.
Or was it the argument we had, I had already apologized and he said it was okay.
Did he meet me again and not like me anymore?
Is he having cold feet and second thoughts about this?I’d really appreciate some feedback , and what I could do next. I don’t want to overthink and mess things up, I’ve been going through some very hard times recently and he’s been a best friend to me and I know it’s only been a few days this happened but it just feels like I’m losing my friend.
Ewa
main question here: when he stayed , did you have sex? was it first time? if so he was only after sex and there is nothing you can do really.
if not maybe he decided that seeing you once in a while is not really for him. You are both single, so I am guessing he might be dating someone closer to where he lives.
To answer your question I don’t think men can lose interest just like that unless there is another woman involved. They can however lose interest if they see that you are not adding value to their lives and seeing you feels more like a chore.Men tend to bond while spending time, you don’t see guys messaging each other all day, they go out, do fun things together. Maybe he realised since you live 3h away and are away a lot, that he won’t be seeing you much.
Tammy
Think it’s too soon to come to any conclusion. But you could have said the few things you did in a better way! He did go out of his way to cm and meet you but ur responses seemed a litl off.
I think firstly you need to calm down bec in the state your in you may do or say smthing which cld hv consequences you dont want.. take few steps back, give him and your self some time. It cld be that hes a little off bec of the way you said about jumping all over the place in excitement. If a guy had told me that even i wld hv felt bad. Even though u didnt mean it it came off wrong.
Give it some time and him some space. Let him get back to you. In case he doesnt in the next 3/4 days, you can ask him..
Sith
Hey Ewa , to answer your question.
We did have sex that night but that wasn’t the first time.
We ‘ve had sex before on two of my visits and on two other visits he didn’t even want to have sex and said he just wanted us to spend some time and bond without sex, even after all this he has been actively communicating and showing he is into me. So I’m not actually sure.And a bit of NSFW : even that night when we had sex, he didn’t cum cause I was exhausted from my trip and didn’t want to continue, he said it was okay. And when I was more relaxed and offered to get him off he refused and said it wasn’t all about sex and said he was glad we could see and spend time.
He could be lying but I’d never know.And about me not always being around, I’m officially home now and not moving again. We also agreed before I returned that since I am returning home we would spend more time together, see how we really feel about each other and see if we wanted a relationship.
We also agreed that we would let each other off the hook if the feelings are not mutual if I return and it’s not as we thought.
And transportation is not even an issue here, I said I would always come visit when he asked and he even offered to visit instead so I don’t take the train since he has a car and would get to me faster than 3 hours.
So even though he isn’t interested anymore, isn’t it too early for him to decide he doesn’t want this anymore. We haven’t even tried like we agreed to.
It’s only been a few days.Sith
Hi Tammy,
Yes it’s possibly too soon to conclude and I do feel bad about how I responded.
He did say I always try to be manipulative, when he wanted to do stuff I don’t really seem into it and when I change my mind he may not be into anymore and then I try to manipulate him into doing that thing.
I honestly don’t even know that it’s this way. To be honest, I have some trust issues and sometimes I don’t want to come off as overly into a guy so I don’t get used. So generally I try not to act too excited about a guy and when I see it hurts him and I try to then convince him back into the thing he wanted to do, it then seems like I’m being manipulative but I don’t even mean it that way.So I do know my response must have hurt him.
Or he could just need some space so I’m going to give it to him.
I just feel hurt cause I thought me coming back meant this thing we have would have a chance to grow and I don’t wanna lose him.Ewa
the fact that he told you you are being manipulative is not a good sign. I think he thought about it and genuinely was excited to see you but he is seeing certain traits in you that he doesn’t like and that is the part of dating to see if we are good match with someone . Whether you are being manipulative or not is not for me to judge, it could be his way of trying to shift a blame so you feel guilty.
I know it is easy for people to say just wait and see, but I truly believe a guy who likes you , would want to be in touch everyday , not really leave you hanging.
Having trust issues and not wanting to come off strong are two different things . Is he a very sensitive guy ? does he take things personally ?Reading your post again I think he is the one being manipulative not you. If he wants to do something and you are not keen, he can’t force you to do certain thing by acting hurt… he could offer something that you’d both like…
Sith
Well, we’ve know each other for long and he has seen and known me.
He knows certain flaws I have and has never complained or made a big deal.
And when he talked about me being manipulative, he just said it more like I was making him feel bad for not wanting to do stuff when I wanted it.
Like maybe he offered for us to do something and I refuse, he is always okay and respects it but then I would change my mind later and he is no longer wanting to do that and I try to force it instead of also respect that he doesn’t want to, that’s sort of what he meant.
And he is not a sensitive person, he is the type that forgets something instantly when it’s over, he doesn’t keep a grudge. If he is mad about something then it must have really hurt him and he’d always say so.So this is why I’m surprised at his sudden change and dry texting.
I suppose maybe he has realised we are not really a match after our first meet up after a while.
I was hoping it would have been perfect but I guess it didn’t go as perfect as I thought.It would just be nice if he tells me he is no longer interested in moving on with it like we had agreed that we’d do if we don’t want to continue anymore.
And also, this guy never fails to text me every day, call and all. He always keeps the communication top that I can’t keep up. I’m not too much of a phone person so he does most of the texting and calling, which he has never complained about.
Liz Lemon
“Well, we’ve know each other for long and he has seen and known me”
Didn’t you meet only a few months ago, and you were living abroad? You only got back home a few days ago. So you don’t really know each otber– long distance doesn’t count– you’ve only spent time together sporadically.
If you were long distance the majority of the time you’ve known him, its very easy to develop fantasies about each other that are not based in reality. I’ve had a long distance relationships, and honestly every time I would get together in person with the guy it would be rather bumpy. Because we both had fantasies about the other that we had developed while apart, that clashed with reality when we finally got together.
It sounds to me like this guy has lost interest. A few months into dating and he’s calling you manipulative and not communicating with you? That’s not the behavior of a man who’s head over heels. This time period should be the honeymoon period (the first few months of a relationship).
Bottom line, it shouldn’t be this difficult. Honestly when it’s meant to be, a guy does not leave you confused and anxious and wondering during the first few months of dating. Of course there are challenges in relationships, but during the honeymoon period (first 6 months or so at least), things should flow easily.
Ewa
yes I agree with Liz.
if you want him to tell you he is not interested then you will have to force it out of him.
It is up to you, I always feel like sending a nice message telling him that you feel he is no longer interested and that you respect him and wish he could do the same for you. And then see if he responds.
If not just leave it but I have a feeling he won’t contact you again.Sith
Yes I guess we’ve only really known each other over the phone.
So yes I shouldn’t say we haven’t known each other.
But we’ve never actually had any issues and everything has been smooth.
The other times I’ve visited and we meet, everything is smooth.
Generally we have no issues and he has always showed interest and never made me feel confused.
It’s just been the last two days our texting has been rather dry which is why I’m asking if he could lose interest in just two days of me being back and we’ve only seen the first day I returned.
So that’s why I’m wondering if concluding that he lost interest is right , if I’m paranoid or not.Sith
Yes I guess we’ve only really known each other over the phone.
So yes I shouldn’t say we haven’t known each other.
But we’ve never actually had any issues and everything has been smooth.
The other times I’ve visited and we meet, everything is smooth.
Generally we have no issues and he has always showed interest and never made me feel confused.
I’ve been very confident that this would end up fine, even before I came back we have a convo about our future.Everything has been good except for the last two days our texting has been rather dry and seems very unlike him which is a bigger texter than I am, which is why I’m asking if he could lose interest in just two days of me being back and we’ve only seen the first day I returned.
So that’s why I’m wondering if concluding that he lost interest is right , if I’m paranoid or not.Sith
And the thing about developing fantasies while not there, we actually talked about this.
Which was why we decided it was best we spent some time in person for a while and then decide if we really like each other or it’s that fantasy.
So I was expecting that we would have seen each other more before any conclusion is made.
Hence my confusionEwa
but his texting is dry and you haven’t really got another date planned. is he texting you at all ? or complete silence ?
it is not about him now it is about you, is this what you want from a man, who a) can’t communicate , B) is ok with leaving you in limbo c) doesn’t really care about how you feel or what you do with your day etc.
is this what you want from your future partner ? he is showing you early on, interested or not…
Liz Lemon
It’s easy not to have any issues over the phone. And when you visit someone during a long distance relationship, it’s a vacation, it’s a holiday- it’s not real life. I’ve been there, believe me. It’s very easy to build up a fantasy about who a person is through phone calls and short visits.
You don’t really know the person until you’ve spend a good amount of time with them in person, dealing with real life issues.
I have no idea what this guy’s problem is, but sometimes people freak out when a long distance relationship becomes a real, in person relationship. They realize that they preferred having the relationship compartmentalized, and having that fantasy. It’s not uncommon for people’s feelings to change when the relationship shifts from LDR to real life.
“we decided it was best we spent some time in person for a while and then decide if we really like each other or it’s that fantasy.”
Ewa has an excellent point. Is this situation what YOU want?Sith
So like I said in the main post, he left my place on Sunday and texted me he was home, I told him I appreciate him coming. He replied but I didn’t reply again cause his response seemed off and I thought maybe he was tired from all the driving.
He didn’t text the next day being yesterday, he usually texts Good Morning, so I text in the evening and he replies. We text a little but I wasn’t just feeling the usual energy he gives, I even tried adding some flirty texts which he responded to but again not with his usual energy, so I cut the chat short and told him I had to go.
So he is not exactly ignoring me, he just seems like he is not himself and isn’t texting as much.And you are right Liz, we’ve been long distance so this is the time we actually really get to know each other and what works.
I was also hoping this would be when we actually take this to the next level.
And yes this is not what I want, the dry texting and all, but he’s never done this before so I’m confused.
Like I said everything has been good over the phone but I guess I can’t really judge based on that.
He could be genuinely not interested anymore, I just have no clue what is going on or what to do.Sith
And we didn’t exactly plan out a next date.
He only asked when I would be free, when I would come over and I said I didn’t know but we’d see.
He also said he would he driving to come see me frequently, this is before he left on Sunday.
So I don’t knowEwa
I would overanalyse texts and it looks like it has only been not even day since you haven’t heard from him.
Give him some time to adjust but if he doesn’t contact you by the end of this week then you’ll have your answer.Ewa
i meant i wouldn’t
Liz Lemon
I know it’s frustrating and disappointing. All you can do now is sit back and see if he steps up. Don’t text or call him. You contacted him yesterday and the vibe was off. It’s his turn to initiate.
Try to focus on other things, hobbies, friends, family. You just moved home after living abroad, surely you have friends and family you need to see and reconnect with. So focus on that for now (easier said that done I know). If this is going to be a real relationship, this guy needs to step up.Sith
I guess I’d wait.
I only got this paranoid because of how excited he has been about me returning. And also he loves texting and all that, so I was thinking the energy or connection would be more now I’m closer. But maybe I’m moving too fast and rushing things.
I would wait till the end of the week.
ThanksMary
I would take yourself out of your misery snd focus elsewhere, especially yourself. If things are meant to be, it will fall into place pretty easily in the beginning (i.e. first six months) and will prove compatsbility. Otherwise, you don’t want to keep trying to put a square peg into a round hole. Lean back and eventually you will see how it unfolds.
Tallspicy
Know someone on the phone is not knowing them. Please read that over until you get it. I think he is fading… it was a fantasy that is now over. Long distance is just not worth it to start something.
Tallspicy
Also, the only think that ever matters is a man’s follow up after the date. The rest is just whatever he is thinking in the moment. It is not to be taken seriously until he pursues more. Never ever contact a man after you have had sex…. Always let him do the work for a while and show his consistency afterwards.
Tammy
Either he cld be fading. Or it cld be that there is sm communication problem. Or it cld be that he has becm unsure. Either way the only way you will know for sure if he steps up.. you reached out last time and felt things were off. So pls let him initiate a conversatn the next time. Till then pls do the things u usually do to keep your mind off this guy. Even if he dsnt get in touch in a day or 2, its ok. Pls wait this out. I think by being patient here you will get all your confusion sorted.
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