Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › can he change his mind?
- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 9 years, 4 months ago by
Mandy.
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Melissa
Ok so this guy I was dating told me, after 6 months, that he didn’t want anything serious with me. The conversation was light and friendly, but yea I was hurt. He said he wanted to continue seeing me though but I almost made it clear that it wasn’t going to happen anymore. I never slept with him, so I’m happy I didn’t. My question is this: how do I behave now? When e texts me, should I reply? Should I ignore him? Should I cut him off completely? Have men been known to change their minds after they say his to a woman? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not going to try to convince him or anything like that. Just wondering if I should really just stay friends or dissapear.
Ollie
Melissa,
Yes, he can change his mind. That is the short answer.Soooo…. I’m going to tell you a little story about my first love, Bear with me, it will explain why I’m advising you the way that I am.
I was 15, my boyfriend was 2 years older. I was very innocent and naive in a good way. I had no agendas and didn’t know a thing about manipulation. John and I had been dating for a few months, and for about a week leading up to a dance, a girl in his grade Janie, was flirting with him, telling him he needed an older, more experienced woman etc.. So he broke up with me at the dance based on this.
We went back to school on Monday, again I had no agenda in getting him back. I think I was just processing that Janie could have changed his mind. On Tuesday, my best friend Melanie came up to me at lunch and said “John says he still likes you and wants to be friends.” I really let her proposition sink in.
Back then, I just lived from my heart and my truth, and the truth was I did not want to be just his friend. So I told her to tell him “I won’t be mean to him, but no, I do not want to be his friend.” There was no agenda in that. It was just my truth. Being just his friend was going to feel awkward, and I did not want to feel that way. About a week later, John and I got back together and had a fantastic relationship until he had to move out of state.
In later relationships, I had agreed to be friends after a breakup, and it felt awful and fake. I also tried once or twice to win the guy back, and that felt desperate and pathetic.
My advice is this: Live from your heart and your truth, nothing less will do. Being friends will not win him back. Could he come back? Yes, but if he doesn’t, at least you never sold your self out to win a man who was not winnable. If friendship is enough for you with this guy great, but if it’s not, be cordial when you see him, and keep your eyes open for something more magnificent that will surely come your way.
Ollie
One more thing. (I got a little distracted :)). If being friends is not enough for you, wish him well, tell him you are not looking for any new “friends” and to please not contact you with the intention of being your buddy. If he is halfway decent, he will respect this and not contact you unless it is romantically inclined. If he still tries the buddy route after you’ve asked him not to, cut him off.
elle
I am with Ollie on this one. Too much of your energy will be needlessly wasted on trying to win him back. It sounds like you are quite young, and even if you are not, the principle still applies: best to have a clean break. The buddy thing will only serve to be more painful in the end. There are plenty of good guys out there. Cheers!
Melissa
Thank you so much for your insight ladies. Unfortunately, I am old. lol i am 37 and divorced. This seems to be the recurrent theme in my life after divorcing. I am scared to show my vulnerable side to men, When i finally decide to do so, its usually too late. Ill do it when i see that they are losing interest or when i know things have changed. I have a low self esteem too =. No matter how much they tell me I’m beautiful, have a great personality, blah blah blah..i keep wondering what is wrong with me, Why couldn’t i keep you interested. I think they must have met someone prettier. Someone just better than me. I don’t know. Im getting too old for this. Im a single mom of an 11 year old daughter. I fear that I’m going to end up alone and never having anymore children because, lets face it, I’m getting up there in age. Im not so emotional anymore but i am really hurt and i don’t even know why. I mean, i tried to connect with this man, but it always seemed like he was holding back. We raely saw each other on Fridays and Saturdays…only on Sundays and he would always throw it out there that that is my fault even though when i would suggest it, he would make it seem like he was always so busy on those days (dating other women of course) and would plan to go out a Friday 2 weeks in advance….and then sometimes cancel. He never asked about my daughter…unless i brought her up. Heck, i don’t think she even knows her name. he was full of compliments and made me feel pretty…thats why i stuck around. He was a lawyer, and in some crazy fantasy, i pictured myself having a much eaier life because of his economic status. not saying I’m a gold digger because I’m not. But it would have been nice..ya know? I am a middle school teacher, fresh out of college. Worked my ass off to get that degree. eh, thank you ladies for allowing me to ven. Just feeling a bit unworthy of anyone’s love. feeling alone. have my daughter. and i think that it will remain that way for the rest of my life. not trying to exaggerate but I’m almost done with this emotional shit. its exhausting.
Mandy
Hi Melissa,
I hope you are at a better place now a year later.
Concentrate/Focus on you and your daughter. You are worthy of love, but first learn to love yourself and dont beat yourself up because someone else cannot see better. I am 37 and single too and have two girls. I know what you are going through. Fill your life with things that you always wanted and learn things you never found time for.
Then when some man will give you a compliment, you will be able to see through false talk as you know your worth. And you are right to not invest emtoionally until someone is worth it. Men don’t most of the time, so why should you?Hugs
Mandy -
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