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Hey Sillyoldfool,
I read what your wrote and I can feel how upsetting it’s been for you to go through all of this. I’m sorry it’s been that way for you and I hope things are better for you soon. Much better.
I could comment about the guy and the relationship dynamic you described, but I’d rather focus here on the idea of closure.
See, we have an idea that we want or need closure in order to move on with our life.
There’s truth to that, but we have to recognize that closure comes entirely from yourself.
And this is a very big lesson, so pay close attention here and really think about this deeply.
Most people try to “get” closure through another person. They analyze what happened, they plan what they’d say, they imagine what they want the other person to say… and in conversation they maneuver, negotiate and plead with the other person to give them the response they want.
Why?
Because they think if the other person would just respond in the way they wanted, then they could finally feel there’s closure. They could feel like they understand, like they can accept, like it’s not as bad as they thought, etc.
It never happens this way.
But the big lesson I want to get across is that this MINDSET has been the problem the entire time.
The mindset of trying to get the other person to respond the way you want so you can feel good IS the central problem in the dynamic.
Think about it.
If you can, step outside the dynamic you described.
You felt good to be out on dates again with a guy after your long term relationship ended.
When you characterized the dynamic of this new relationship, it seemed like you were always at the mercy of his reactions.
It seemed he was aloof and detached while you were chasing his love, trying to get him to care about you and connect with you.
Meanwhile, the fuel of the dynamic seemed to be that you wanted a certain response from him and he knew he could dangle that carrot and keep you chasing for it.
You never got that “carrot”. It was always a hope, a possibility, a potential you saw if you could just connect with him the right way.
And that brings me to this big point:
Both of you were trying to get to some feeling through the other person.
In his case, who knows what he was after. Maybe a feeling of significance, desirability, attention…
And in your case, maybe you wanted to feel something too.
I don’t want to assume, but what you describe fits a pattern I’ve seen thousands of times over the years. In these cases, someone in your position was seeking a feeling of being “worthy of love”, “being good enough”, “feeling accepted by a hard-to-get guy”, etc.
That might not fit you, but my point is that there might still be some emotion you’re trying to get to through wanting closure with him.
Here’s a great exercise you can try when it comes to closure.
First off, I’m a big advocate of writing in a journal to help work out your difficult thoughts and emotions. If you’ve never tried it, try it. You might have to push yourself for the first several minutes but when you get into writing in a journal, it can help bring you clarity like nothing else can.
The main exercise is this:
Get clear on what you really wish would happen here for closure. What would the perfect closure be? What would it look like, what would he say, what would he do, how would it be?
This is just an exercise in imagination, there are no limitations. It doesn’t need to be realistic or likely, the exercise here is to just imagine what you wish it would be.
When you have imagined that, think about the FEELING you would feel now that this has happened. In this imagined scenario, how do you feel now?
Go into that feeling directly. Give yourself this feeling deeply. Shower in it, drench yourself in it, let it soak through you to the very depths of your soul.
Stay here in this feeling of having that ideal closure you want. You are going past the ideas and images of that ideal scenario and just living here inside this feeling directly.
Doing this exercise is far more healing than obsessing over how you’ll get closure “from him”.
Go into the feeling directly. Give it to yourself directly.
Do this as many times as you need to. It will bring you the closure you want. It will heal you and you’ll emerge stronger, wiser and more beautiful than ever.
If you have to go to this exercise 10 times, go to it 10 times. If you have to go to it 100 times, fine, go to it 100 times.
The point is that this is the fastest, easiest and most direct route to healing that you can take. “Giving yourself the feeling you’re trying to get to” is the way to resolve the suffering you’ve been feeling.
I hope this made sense, good luck with everything.
