Can you recover from rushing a relationship too soon?

Thanks Raven, I think you’re probably right. I guess the part that bothers me the most is that when he talked to me about this before he left, he said that although he was feeling this way, he didn’t want to give up on it yet. I feel like I made a mistake of often initiating daily contact (although he did as well) while he was away and not giving it enough space to have a fresh start for when he returns.

I also hate how now I am tortured by “what could have been?” if I had not allowed us to rush into the relationship so quick. He was so gentlemanly and interested, and I could quite literally see that interest fade as I became more desperate to make it a relationship before it had time to happen naturally.

There is more going on here than just rushing into it for this not to be working out. He’s not feeling it for you and he’s now also talking with someone else and probably a lot of someone elses.

You got good advice: stop contacting him. Let him see what else is out there and if he comes back, then you can try again. You have to understand he very well may not though. He may have been trying to let you down easy by saying all these nice things. Trouble is, there is a huge BUT attached. I don’t like big BUTS. Hahaha. Do you want someone who isn’t 100% into you? I wouldn’t. Just learn your lesson and go slower next time. You thoroughly understand your pattern now. Deliberately break it a few times and you will develop a new way of being.

That’s the thing, there definitely was a spark. We spoke on the phone several times before meeting, after our first date he told me and his friends (who also told me) that it was the best first date he had been on. I mistakingly got excited about all of this, and at the prospect of finally finding someone I felt worth being in a relationship with.

The thing is now, I know myself well enough, to know that I will not be able to put this at rest by simply walking away while it was left open ended. We’ve always (mind you that’s only a month) had very open and frank discussions, so it seems odd and unsettling to me that there is nothing being said now.

I am trying my best not to overshare/overanalyze/overtalk like I often do, but I think there is some happy medium between that and never speaking again.

When I think back on it, it was me that first started this conversation about a lack of spark. I told him how I told my friend about it, how we were so comfortable that it’s almost as though we skipped that stage. I regret that now, as a few days later he said he was thinking about it and felt the same, and that he wanted that spark. He also said that he could see himself settling down with me, that we would have a great healthy relationship, but maybe not right now. He broke up with his girlfriend of 1.5 years in February (but later told me they got back together for a week in May before realizing it was not going to work), so maybe he is still on the rebound. I suppose time will tell.

The more I think about it, the more I think I’m upset at not staying true to myself, and not valuing myself to manage the pace of this relationship before it even had a chance to start. We may have decided mutually that it wasn’t a good fit anyway, but it feels like it has ended prematurely because it was rushed.

Hi Emma,

I think this is great advice, probably the same I would give a friend in my position! I have two questions. 1) What should I do if he does contact me? and 2) Do you think it would be a bad idea to meet him for coffee or something like that when he gets back, just to clear the air and clarify how I feel? I also would like for his last impression of me to be poised and organized.

I’m somewhat embarrassed that the last talk we had on the subject I was very flighty and sort of all over the place. We spoke on the phone the next day, he was tipsy after going out with some work friends, so not much serious conversation ensued although the call was about an hour long. The next day we spoke again on the phone, but it was brief and seemed like we were both avoiding the elephant in the room.

Laelithia, you keep mentioning things like wanting to clarify your position to him, to clear the air, to explain how you feel to him, etc It’s as if you think by explaining that you would like to start over and to not get too excited too fast, thus killing any spark, that this is possible to do. You can’t explain this away, or change reality by talking to him like this. And by doing this, you will only be further killing any chance of there ever being a spark.

So I would suggest you let go of the idea that if you could just explain yourself to him that will make it better. It won’t. It will make it worse. The only thing you can do now is hang back, way back, and let him come to you. And when/if he does, then ACTUALLY start over yourself by not opening up too much this time. Go more slowly, but don’t talk about it. Just do it instead.

Anon,
You are right. The more I think about it, the more I feel like what I really want to do is say my piece and walk away with my dignity intact. Right now, I’ve basically left it open so that he is free to keep me as an option, when I don’t want that to be the case. Yes, I think we started the relationship way too quickly for either of us to commit to dating exclusively, but now to go backwards just seems like I’m demoting myself.

I suppose what I feel I want to do now, is talk to him and tell him that I am no longer interested. I also would like him to delete the pictures of me that he has, I think he will if I ask. I don’t like the feeling that I am “waiting” for him, but the last conversation we had both over text and over the phone, makes it seem that way.

I figure if we are not going to stay in contact anyway, at least for a few months, what is the harm in this last contact?

Hi, sorry we both posted at the same time.

Okay, I think then when he does contact you, you don’t need to meet or discuss to tell him you’re not interested anymore. Just tell him by message or over the phone.

But also, you can still go ahead and decide in your own mind that you’re finished, and not worry about what he thinks about it, or if he gets that right now. Just move on with your won things. He’ll learn soon enough that you’re not an option when he comes back. This I think would be more empowering for you. Who cares what he thinks.

Laelithia,

Why did you send racy pics to guy that may be fading off? Think about that.

NO! Do not reach out to him to have a talk you have already discussed this. Its now his term to reflect and make a choice if he wants to continue on. Imagine if the roles were reversed and you didn’t feel a spark with a guy but he kept pushing. Would that make you want him any more… probably not. Give this space, if its for you he will reach out. If not, someone else is out there for you.

My suggestions on slowing things down would be not to have any in home dates at least for the first month, build a connection by doing outside activities you both enjoy. I know its hard when you are attracted to a guy but, hold off. Also, find out right away what they are looking for, you can’t assume anyone is a nice guy. Let his actions and words show you that he is worthy of you.

Your mindset needs to be that you are a prize a precious gem and a man has to earn your love and affection. No matter how nice a guy is if he feels he didn’t have to work for it and continues to be challenged the spark will disappear.

Remember knowing our faults is one thing working to better yourself is another. Take this advise to heed and really make an effort to follow through.

Thank you everyone, I think you are all right. I am honestly not good at this dating game at all. I think I am TOO honest, sincere, open, etc. and it really just bites me in the you know what. I think all this time I have mistakingly thought it was something wrong with me that these guys were rejecting, when in reality, I think it is this neediness, this disease to please all the time.

I knew better than to go to his home so early on. I’ve learned this mistake before, and somehow in the moment, I couldn’t say no. It was less about holding off on my desires, and more about not being able to tell someone no, or that I need time. I’m so afraid of displeasing someone, I devalue myself.

I’m not sure why after learning this lesson, over and over, I still sent him that picture. I suppose to grab his attention, which it did. It wasn’t particularly bad, but it was definitely unnecessary. I remember when we first started talking, he hinted that he wanted me to send one, and I told him no. He respected that, and I think now telling men no make them respect you and feel attracted to you. Lately I have done the exact opposite.

To be honest, I don’t think I will hear from him again. I think if anything, I made it very easy for him to be relieved by walking away quietly. Things went south so quick, I didn’t even realize it happening. He used to look forward to my calls, even Saturday when he called the conversation started on such a positive note, and somehow ended up where it was. I guess I just didn’t want to accept that it was over, all the interesting conversations we had, all the fun experiences like going on an impromptu road trip, spending time at his cool place, all never going to happen again. I truly felt like this “relationship” was over before it even began.

Thank you, I definitely will take this advice to heart.

This may be old habits speaking, but what is the harm in messaging/calling him now? At this point, if it is already over (which is seems it is), why not have that conversation for closure?

Thank you for all your replies!

Hi Anon,

Yes, I think that is exactly what happened. I couldn’t get it out of my head that I had messed up after sleeping with him too soon, and it sort of derailed from there.

At this point I’m more angry than anything, that he’s just left things the way they are, and not even bothered to say one way or another what’s going on between us. It seems he’s just avoiding me now, which I think speaks a lot to his character not being as strong as I originally thought.

I’m really fighting the temptation to message or call him, just to show that I won’t be waiting and that he has to clean up the mess he also contributed to. It just doesn’t seem fair that I’m left wondering while he can have his cake and eat it too.

I guess the reason it doesn’t feel that way, is that we spoke most recently on Tuesday night, and he did not indicate that. I guess I’m worried that I’m jumping to conclusions as it has only been two days, and I technically don’t know what he’s thinking, but I still don’t think it’s fair that he can simply walk away, essentially ghosting me and I just let him.

I don’t think this is a mature way of handling things. We are in our late twenties, we were intimate, we spent a great deal of time together and in contact. It seems like a very poor way to end things, especially since when we last talked about it, he said he would like to talk about it more and still see me when he gets back.

I get infuriated though, when I see he is online, and clearly messaging someone else and not acknowledging me. It’s one thing if someone needs space, it’s another entirely when they have replaced you with someone else.