Can you recover from rushing a relationship too soon?

Once you message him which you are determined to do you will feel even worse. He is thinking about someone else. Do you want the two of them laughing at how desperate you are and how you just won’t leave him alone?

The worst thing you can do is pester him. Asking to meet for a coffee is so desperate. Stop begging.

I am with Khadija. Cringing. LOL

You are determined to contact him. Everyone unanimously telling you NOT to contact him but you are so forceful. No one will stop you.

So here we go. My prediction, You are going to contact him no matter what people tell you, and this will make things worse because it will kill whatever little attraction is there and any possibility of a “spark” to appear. You are belaboring everything missy! You are too heavy.

Be more subtle, a little more mysterious, a little more delicate, not so overpowering. You are too much!

If there is a chance (don’t think so but still going to try), a remote chance you are going to listen, stop contacting him and wait. He will realize in a few weeks that you are not there, that you disappeared, a woman who likes him, and THEN…only then he might miss you and feel something for you.

If you continue to “clarify” and organize and talk and explain, you are going to kill it completely.

Leave his alone, back off and stay way back, if you want a chance to get him back. If he contacts you, be sweet but do not suggest to meet or talk or discuss anything. Treat him as a pal..

Sorry for being harsh, but I am not surprised this happened to you before. You “overstay your welcome” and impose yourself onto a man. This KILLS attraction. How do you not see it? Talking does kill things, and a lot of talking kills things faster!

Wow, my head is spinning. This is soooooo much analysis and overanalyzes.

What strikes me is you are putting yourself completely at the mercy of the man’s needs, wants and whims.

If you are repeating this pattern then you need more help than is available here to change it.

“…I have never been in a situation quite like this before, where the relationship never really started, then talks of taking a step back, then not (Tuesday), and then nothing. It’s hard for me to know which to focus on…”

That’s easy. The one you focus on is the “and then nothing”.

My gosh, you sound like a drama queen. He might be avoiding you because all you want to do is talk, talk, talk about the situation. You ask what’s the harm in messaging or calling him? I’m sure you have already bombarded him with calls and messages from the beginning, which was only a month ago. You can’t even see how needy and desperate you must seem to him. If he wants to see you next week, he will ask. It’s that simple. But now you want to “talk” to him and tell him you’re no longer interested and ask him to delete pictures of you that he has. You seem to think you’re mature, but you think and act like a 15 year old girl.

Hi Everyone,

I’m really trying to move on from this, and learn what I can. Do you think sleeping with him too soon is what killed “the spark”? I know he tried for a month after, but I didn’t feel after that happened that he felt as interested in me. What I’m not sure is if it would have happened anyway, or doing that changed the trajectory of what could have been.

Before we actually met, we talked daily, and he seemed so interested in me. On our first date, I felt the same. It really makes me wonder if it was my actions or if maybe he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship after all.

As an update, he called me and said that he still thinks there might be something there. He said we should try taking a month apart and then seeing how we feel, but I don’t think this will change anything. I wanted to suggest continuing to see each other but less when he gets back next week, but I suppose he would have if he wanted to.

You are way way way over focusing on him and being in a relationship.

There is no way to know for sure if sleeping with him at the time you did interfered with the spark. Maybe it did, maybe it didn’t. You have to let that aside.

The bigger problem is your insecurity with yourself and low self esteem, confidence etc. This is where to focus. When you feel good about yourself and things don’t work out with someone the way you want them to, you are of course a bit sad and disappointed but you don’t go through the contortions you are going through. Guys KNOW when you are ahead of them and are too eager to be in an official relationship. It puts them off. Even if you think aren’t saying anything or acting like it, you are leaking needy. I suspect that’s what is happening here.

Leave him alone and turn your attention to yourself. The right men come around when you are being the best, happiest and most authentic YOU. That’s all you need to concern yourself with. I’m sorry you are hurting so much over this. There is another side when you focus on loving you and being you.

Do NOT suggest continuing to see each other. Tell him you understand that for him something is missing and that it’s best if you just go your own ways. If he truly feels after a month of no contact that he was wrong and he does feel something is possible between the two of you, then he should get in touch, but only if he really feels strongly about it. Then let it be.

He seems like a nice guy, so if you want to see him again, don’t contact him at all during this month apart!! And DON’T tell him something is missing as Candace suggested!

Thanks, Candace! I appreciate your (and all others) help on the matter. It’s a frustrating place to be in, usually when I am confronted with a problem, I do my due diligence to study the issue, analyze the error, and learn better for the next time. It seems with modern dating, this approach is actually causing further issues.

I guess because this issue (or some variant, where the guy is really into me at the beginning, and then tapers out) has happened so many times before, I’ve developed some sort of insecurity around men and dating in general, which seems to make it all worse.

I guess what I’m hearing from everyone is to not let dating become the centre focus of my life, and to “work on myself” (vague, but I know it must be done) more.

Now I wonder with most of these different men, they speak of their exes in such a way that they never quite felt that they “had” them, that they were always willing to walk away. Do you think if I had “played it more cool” this one (and the others) would have stuck around? Is this elusive spark that they speak of the thrill of the chase, or something more?

Hi Alia,

Thank you so much for your succinct answer. I’ve saved it for future reference, it makes a lot of sense to me. In every instance when things have gone array, it has been exactly as you describe. In this last instance, I think because I slept with him too early (in my opinion), I wanted to make a relationship out of it so that I didn’t have to feel “bad” about it. I also couldn’t stand the idea of him possibly sleeping with someone else, so it was all rushed for the wrong reasons. If I’m truly honest, I’m not even sure if I hadn’t have slept with him early on if I would have wanted a relationship with this person.

Based on what you’ve said, do you think it can ever be “salvaged” with a man after they sense this neediness/dependence? For instance, with this particular guy asking for a month away to see if his feelings change, do you think it’s possible if he did come back, to start over and create a new healthier dynamic?

I don’t understand the attachment you have to this guy, with this talk of “salvaging” the relationship. That’s coming from a very weak place. It would be one thing if you had been with him for years and this happened. But you really hardly know him. I think this about more than him. I think you are trying to prove your worthiness in general or prove something by getting him back. Wrong reasons. You will “redeem” yourself by moving forward as your best self and letting this go and allowing the chips fall where they may.

Hi Everyone,

I can understand your frustration and confusion with my behaviour, and seemingly exaggerated interest in this particular person. It is not that I think this person is “the only one” for me or anything like that, instead, it is the opportunity for a do-over that I crave, the chance to let a relationship play out naturally rather than have it come to a screeching halt due to insecurities/issues of mine rather than a lack of compatibility.

Because I have so little to go on (two weeks of conversation over the phone and then a great first date) to assess what would have played out had I not overanalyzed, stressed, and pushed for a relationship too soon, I have no idea if we would have been a good match long term or not. My gut (and his, as he said early on) is that we would have been, but I am frustrated at now not knowing.

As for me getting my own life, I assure you, I have one. I have wonderful friends and family, a successful professional career, and am studying for my final licensing exam. I have many hobbies, and am active physically. I suppose the one thing in my life I do not have, and has been elusive to me, is a romantic relationship. Perhaps that is why I have been so persistent in trying to obtain one. I suppose it’s one of those counterintuitive endeavours wherein you must do the opposite to what you think you should to get it.