Can you recover from rushing a relationship too soon?

It sounds great that you have great things going on.

But the way you play out your logic in dating is you put effort systematically, you get something back timely.

But most connectedness happens in non spoken interactions and words.

Please use your heart to feel before you speak and ask for status. Human relationships are not studies, job or projects.

You process your heart and over time you ask and communicate.

Give it time – you seem to be young. But it is hopeful that you can get there … once again over time.

I think the thing that needs to be done here is for you to get rid of your shame. It seems to me that some of your self worth is tied up in the fact that you had sex early. I think while many will advise not to have sex early if you know you’re going to feel attached, I think the most important thing here is your not being OK with it to a degree that you have to make a relationship with someone, who may not even be compatible with you because you’ve had sex.
And I do believe that may be your upbringing and shame talking, that somewhere along the way your parent or a significant person in your life gave you an idea that you’re somehow unworthy if you’re not in a relationship with someone you’ve had sex with. I’d be wary, because you could indeed end up in a relationship with someone, who is not compatible with you. And as much as we like to believe that sex with the person will last forever, there will be much less of it, as years go by.
Then the real test comes: you’re in a relationship with this person.
I think it’s most important you get rid of your shame, be proud and confident about who you are and be very discerning about the person you end up in a relationship with. It’s a very important decision and shouldn’t be driven by the fact that you had sex with them.

The way I read this, he probably has flings with women both where he works for a few weeks and then when he is back home. I see no indication about moving too fast. It was a matter of him spending a great deal of time while back home and enjoying your company. He was never wantingany more than this. When he realized that you did, he pulled way back and used the excuse of ‘no spark.’ But don’t you see how silly that is? You don’t lose a spark after only a few weeks. And how comfortable can you really get in only a few weeks. It’s all a bunch of BS. The reason he is still on the dating site is because this is how he meets women. This man doesn’t want a do over with you because he never wanted a full on relationship in the first place. Men don’t lose the spark by spending time together. That’s how they bond to a woman. It’s the distance and not seeing you that causes loss of interest. I agree you shouldn’t just jump all in with a man and need to learn to pace things. But I don’t think that was the issue with this guy. I think even if you paced it with him, he would have moved on. Men who live in different places like he does, tend to be free spirits and have multiple women in many places. I would move past this man for sure. But with your next man, do try not to jump in so quickly and pace the dating to once or twice a week for the first month or so. Having sex early doesn’t necessarily turn a man off, but if you can’t handle sex with out commitment, then hold off until you get a better sense of who he is and his real level of interest with you. Men who move this quickly tend to burn out just as quickly.

Also, this idea about losing and keeping your dignity is nonsense. The idea that you lost your power is nonsense. I know some conventional dating advice talks about this a lot, about how to maintain power in a relationship, but I suspect it’s thinking this way that’s keeping you embroiled in this. When you start to believe you screwed up and lost power in a relationship, then the whole thing becomes a struggle for power, and you will start becoming obsessed with control. Because really, everything you’re doing or want to do is a struggle for control….you feel vulnerable, you want to control by explaining, and nailing it down, and “getting it right”.

But look at it this way. So what you slept with a guy a little too early? Okay, you invested too much a little early? We’ve all done that, been there. At least you’re trying, and getting out there. Give yourself a break. You’re clearly self-aware, and conscientious and trying to self-improve. This are awesome traits to have, by the way, especially for a partner. Put your focus on THAT, all those great qualities you bring, instead of spiralling out of emotional control because you’re hyperaware of the things you think you’ve done wrong. I guarantee that if you keep focusing on that, your strengths, the awesome things you have to bring to a relationship (write them down to remind yourself!), you’ll feel less inclined to scratch that itch and call this guy up. You’ll stop putting any guy that you feel a spark with up on that pedestal. Put yourself up there.

leave it. its all destiny. i lost millions in stocks recently. its only a man. learn from mistakes and move on.

I don’t know why, but I’ve had a particularly hard time this evening keeping myself from contacting him. I have not done it (it’s been a week since I answered his call), but my gut is telling me that I need to do it, to stop all chances of him contacting me in the future.

I’m also particularly angry with myself for ever agreeing to this ridiculous one month break nonsense. I don’t know why I ever thought that was okay, even if at the time I thought I did something wrong by rushing things. I would like to tell him, face to face, that I think it’s best if we part ways completely. I know to many of you this seems weak, but at the end of the day, I don’t care what he thinks. It bothers me more that I stifled myself and went along with whatever he wanted, all in the hopes that he would see me in a positive light.

I know at the end of the day we are owed nothing, but I don’t think it is fair that he lead me on for an extra two weeks while he was away (“I’m not sure I feel a spark, but I want to keep trying!” to “let’s try again in a month”) and I hate even more that I put up with that BS. I can’t stand the fact that he thinks right now that I was gullible enough to fall for that, and that I am still patiently waiting. It truly makes me sick.

Being a selfish prick and playing games to get someone to fall for you when you have no intention of catching them is low.

if he wanted a relationship with you he wouldn’t have let go. He’d still be fighting for you if he truly cared. It wouldn’t have mattered how fast or slow it goes.

The comments you made about not having a “spark” wouldn’t have phased him. He would have tried to convince you otherwise. He would have pursued you harder.

I read this in an article that was so on point I changed my standards on dating:

date someone who makes you want to go out of your way just to make them smile.
date someone who’s laugh is so infectious that you would do just about anything to hear it and when they cry you feel a pit in your stomach too because it breaks your heart to see them like that.
wipe their tears not because you have to but because something inside you tells you this is the right thing to do and do everything in your power not to be the reason they are crying
date someone who brings out the best in you without even trying
someone who loves every inch of you the good and the bad and sees your flaws and loves them extra so you’ll never forget to love them too.
you’ll be able to lovee yourself enough to give her all of you
date someone who makes you feel so undeniably secure that you never even question them.

follow everyone’s advice and let it go. It sucks you feel so bad about how things ended and it’s open ended and it’s not closure but it’s closure. It’s hard and I feel ya letting fear and the “what if” questions consume you will make you bitter. let this situation make you better not bitter. *sending a digital hug your way* you’re going to be ok.

For Gods sake stop this, girl. You are angry at yourself right now, NOT him. He didn’t hold a gun to your head, you went along with it. He didn’t string you along. This isn’t about him, it’s all about you right now. Don’t go confronting him, leave him out of this. You don’t know what he’s thinking. If he contacts you again just tell him you are not interested in continuing. Forgive yourself and let this go. You are whipping yourself into a righteous outrage that isn’t going to help anything, it’s going to prolong your suffering.

Sorry probably shouldn’t have hijacked this thread, just that it came up in my Google search and was so apt.

I will create a new thread.