Can you retrain yourself to let the nice guy finish first?

I’m a year older than you and I’ve been with my Nice Guy partner for over 3.5 years and he’s three years my junior :o)

I, however, got over that ‘bad boy’ phase in my late teens and preferred to be with maturer men, who, for the most part, had their stuff/act together and treated me pretty well so I had no desire to entertain the non-decent types as there were plenty of decent guys to choose from.

I did marry Mr. Nice guy who eventually became an alcoholic in our 10th year of marriage and slowly evolved into a not so nice guy and I evolved into a co-dependent (big yuck!). Because of this experience, I now know its paramount that you maintain strong boundaries and a high level of self-respect for yourself in order to meet, attract and keep the kind of man you are now desiring.

You really need to perform some inner surgery on yourself, if you haven’t done so yet, to get to the root of “why” you choose bad boys. Until you can isolate the cause (reason) and start the hard work of overriding those beliefs, all you will end up doing is falling for the same type. You will definitely need to tackle your co-dependency because its toxic to you and any relationship, whether its with a Mr. Nice or Bad guy. It takes time to unravel that thought process so I would read everything you can on it and develop an action plan so you can spot the hazards that could very well draw you back into the same mess you finally got yourself out of if you are not hyper-vigilant.

It took me a few years to get there and a couple relationships to know that I had done the work to spot the Mr. Wrong guys for me (even though they were nice) and walk away promptly. That journey led me to my current partner who had to do a lot of back flips to prove he was the right guy for me! I found my second ONE but its because I am armed with the proper tools, skills and knowledge to keep this relationship from going down the wrong path.

You will probably think nice guys are boring based on your recent history but they really aren’t, its just a whole lot CALMER than what your used to. Read up on “interdependent relationships” as that’s the goal you want to achieve because you are fully capable of validating your own worth v. seeking it from a man (outside you).

The only thing I can tell you, to do, is to do the OPPOSITE of what you do with bad boys. Once you’ve determined he’s a nice guy who has his stuff together you lean back and let him lead. If you feel like pushing, you pull back. If you feel like contacting him if you haven’t heard from him after a couple dates, you do nothing and keep it moving by dating others. If you feel the urge to make plans, you stop and allow the man to make the plans. If he does something nice, you thank him. If he takes you out, you thank him. If you need a favor then you kindly ask him (only if you know he can help you with it), because nice guy’s LOVE to help/solve your problems and be your hero so you will need to be *a bit* (NOT a lot) of a damsel in distress by giving him a problem from-time-to-time so he can solve it for you as that’s how you keep a nice guy happy haha!

I would reflect back on your relationship with Mr. Bad Boy by writing it down. List all the major behaviors you didn’t like and if a man you meet is doing the same things he did, you immediately stop interacting with him, especially if you developed a hormonal crush, and only spend time with men who engage in the opposite behaviors of your ex. Again, you must be hyper-aware of your own bad behaviors too as you need to be able to spot and reverse them immediately. You will essentially have to re-train our brain if you want to put an end to the bad boy addiction. Addictions are really hard to break but with a lot of internal work, effort and willpower it can be done! :o)

Its good you can see what ex guy lacked. But new guy cant fix you. You need to dig deeper than seeing how things work out with mr nice guy. Usually a true inner believe you are not worthy of love is the root of the problem. Take care woth new guy anyway. Taking out the trash is always liberating