Can’t get over him!!!

Mister free willy lol I should probably go get tested again regardless of what he tells me.

Ok, let me ask this question again- forget about my motivations, what’s the right thing to do in this situation and for her? I don’t have any personal experience…never been cheated on (that I know of.)

Here’s what happens when a side-woman contacts a girlfriend/wife/whatever to “tell them the truth”:

It gets ugly. BOTH ways.

It will come across as you being conniving, twisty, and bitter, and she will respond defensively, probably going so far as to say their relationship is ‘perfect’, you’re just ‘crazy and jealous’, and by the way, ‘he never loved you like he loves HER’.

So in the end, you might as well just hit yourself in the head with a frying pan and get the same effect.

Trust me, been there done that. Had one of my ex’s girlfriends call me up (when we were still married) and tell me I should thank her for re-starting his sex drive because I just obviously wasn’t enough woman for him. That wasn’t a conversation you want to be a part of.

Just let it alone.

He is no prize. Find someone deserving of your love and respect.

Omag… are you for real? You are carrying on in a bitter way. Firstly you as a woman deserve better that to be with this crap man. Secondly you have so very lost your way due to emotional feelings of jealousy and rejection because he didn’t leave her for you that you are acting in a horrible, spiteful and desperate way.

This is toxic to you. Do better for yourself and leave it be.

Yes, I’m going to stop talking to him (and not email his gf again.) You’re all right – he’s a crap man and I’ve lost respect for both of us in this situation. This is what happens when an ex hits you up when you’re at a particularly vulnerable spot and your self-esteem is shot… His is too apparently.

He just told me he hasn’t been sleeping with anyone else recently besides me and his gf so no need to get tested. I couldn’t asked about our planned trip to go home and go skiing but I didn’t. I just left it at ‘I wouldn’t be so trusting. What people choose to tell you depends on their motivations.’ And he said ‘So I shouldn’t trust you? Lol’ Didn’t respond and won’t. Wanted a little final mindf*ck for the guy that left me feeling used. And yes, I’m bitter. But moving on.

so, you started chatting to an ex. you decided you want him back. you contacted his girlfriend to break them up, it didn’t work. then you went on a weekend away with him, and cheated with him on her. it still didn’t break them up. now you want to tell the girlfriend again….

you say that she posted so much stuff about how much she loves him but yet she’s hardly on his fb wall. is this to convince yourself he doesn’t love her? trust me, if he didn’t want o be with her, he wouldn’t be. he chose her!

then you carry on about how you’ll never contact him again, but then state message after message after message you sent him…..

you’re going quite single white female here

step away. you’re not meant to be. he’s a lying cheating loser. you don’t want him in any case. and this is not why is he with her and not with me? it’s you don’t want him anyway

Anon – yes, that’s the part that still gives me (slight) pause. I don’t think she truly knows who she is with. Even though I already gave her a slight heads up. The thing with my ex is even though I know now he’s a total cheater, besides that he’s a very sweet and caring guy. I would never have suspected he had this side to him unless I’d experienced it first hand like I have these past few months.

I’ll admit I told her initially because I wanted to be with him. But I truly hold no malice or ill will towards her. From what I’ve heard, she’s very nice and does not deserve this level of deceit. I told him that I doubt she’d ever imagine he’d be capable of something like this and he agreed.

And the thing is, this is not a one time thing. He told me that he’s always cheated and had cheated on her before. He had never shared that with anyone before and everytime it had been a one time thing. I’m his first ongoing affair…due to our feelings for each other I guess.

So I agree with most of the posters here – me giving her evidence is not the right path. But given that she’s such a nice person who probably has no idea what she’s dealing with (since I doubt he’s ever been caught), do I share just for her own sake? And I mean that with no malice in my heart for her.

OMG! You are STILL looking for reasons to tell her!???
You are absolutely deluded. You need help, professional help, not forum advice.

Thank you again everyone for your input…especially your last words, Khadija. I’m going to continue sticking to my plan of not speaking to either again. What finally just totally tipped the scale for me in terms of potentially reaching back out to the gf was whether I would say anything to her if I were her friend, coworker etc. The answer was no, not my business. While I wasn’t consciously having any bad thoughts, I guess ultimately my intentions wouldn’t have been 100% pure. I’m going to focus on building up my confidence again and leave this behind as a learning lesson. And if and when I hear from him again, I have all of your comments to help bring me strength in not engaging anymore.

I read all the responses, and while I do not agree with cheating I think most were being pretty judgemental and harsh. This was Amiees’s boyfriend at one time and they have a history. Like she said they started to communicate when she was in a vulnerable state and possibly was also very lonely.

I am giving her a break, she is not the first woman to cheat with an ex with a girlfriend I would not say this if this man was married, however a girlfriend is not a wife so cut her some slack.

The only people who really understands and know what is going on, or what went on are Amiee and her cheater ex boyfriend. No need to shame or put her down, many would do the same if they were in the same situation. Again, I do not condone cheating but who knows what head-space they were both in? When you love someone we do strange things and sometimes make wrong decisions.

She made a bad decision, but it takes two people to cheat, so he wanted to be with her if only for that weekend the same as she did, I do not hear much being said about that.

Girlfriends are not wives, and living with someone does not necessarily mean much, it could be for the benefit of finances and someone to take care of you, so until you are committed and married I do not put much stock into every girlfriend/Boyfriend situation.

I know a few of these relationships that exists just for the benefits and conveniences the relationship provide.

I have an update and no one is going to be surprised or impressed.

I continued to lack willpower the past few days and could see him stringing me along indefinitely…on trips, etc. And even though I was unable to maintain NC, I also started to-finally!-become less interested in him and continuing the situation.

He was being a d*ck yesterday and I just reached the end of my rope…I emailed his gf a handful of incriminating texts and pics with a general timeline and how he’s been a dog. In my anger, I felt this was the only way things would be completely over between us (I’m under no illusion that he’ll come running to me if she ends it.) She also now knows she’s with a serial cheater who lies to her face and potentially exposes her to diseases. And hopefully he will have learned to never dip again although you know the expression about leopards.

For me, I’m angry at him and I’m angry at myself for getting involved in the first place. There is no upside to being a side chick. It only results in hurt and betrayal all around.

Sorry I couldn’t adhere to your advice, ladies.

oops. first you sleep with a man knowing that he has a gf. the reason you know? because he told you himself! despite knowing that you go ahead and have a sexual affair with him. when the man doesn’t show any inclination of going further, you call him selfish and stuff. and then accuse him of possible stds and question him about it after having sex! lol! all along you keep bitching about him on this thread and try to gather support for poor you and how he is such an arse! while at the same time you keep an open dialogue with the same arse. when he finally ticked you off about something you didn’t like, you went ahead and bitched about him to his gf. this wasn’t done with concern in head for the poor gf, but just to assuage your vengeful nature because he wasn’t toeing your line. my god! you have managed dear lady to cross all the boxes that you shouldn’t have.. I think the poor guy just had a lucky escape! from you.. whew…

Meanwhile somewhere out there was a man, who would have been thrilled to be with you and spend time with you, instead this is how you chose to spend your life’s time. We really are the architects of our own fate.