Can't Tell if He Lost Interest or I Bruised His Ego (really long)

Two months ago, a mutual friend tried to set me up with an old friend of hers that lives in another city, but who is “open” to the idea of moving to where we live. Unfortunately, I was busy at work and couldn’t meet him while he was in town, so we started texting (sight unseen, but Facebook pictures reviewed ;) ). For 4.5 weeks, we texted every single day, most days having long conversations via text, but other days, just intermittently checking in. Our conversations were light-hearted and fun, and we share a sense of humor and are very compatible. I let him lead the charge, and he definitely knew he was trying to win me over. About three weeks in, our mutual friend suggested he come visit to meet me in person, and he immediately agreed. The week and a half before he came, our texting reached frenzied heights (totally unsustainable long-term, but so fun at the time), and we became even closer. We talked on the phone for over an hour, talked about our families and more serious things than our normal joking around, and hinted at continuing our “relationship” beyond his visit, and what that might look like (referencing our dogs meeting each other on the “next trip,” etc.).

He came to visit and stayed with our mutual friend, and we had a great time that was punctuated with some awkward moments. It was difficult for me to adjust and get used to him with tons of other people watching, especially because I felt like I knew him so well, but didn’t know how we relate physically, so I got a bit in my head navigating that. However, all of our alone time was really fun – totally comfortable and easy. Then there was a hiccup.

We were out with friends and had a lot to drink, and ended up having a discussion. I was definitely tipsier than him. He started talking about how things with me were moving really fast (we were intimate quickly, which I regret because it confuses things, but there is no taking that back now), and he wanted to “do things the right way” with me. Then he said we “had some serious decisions to make” at the end of the weekend. Side note, he had also casually brought up the fact that he wanted to move to my city multiple times that day.

I was hurt and drunk and defensive by his “too fast” comment, and tried to play it cool, so I said “No we don’t have any serious decisions to make! We are just getting to know each other and we should just take things day by day and not think about the future!” He seemed a little hurt by this, and mumbled “you’re just drunk,” and we ended the conversation. I regretted having any sort of serious discussion in that state, so I texted him the next morning saying I hoped he understood that I was drunk and therefore didn’t give credence to anything I had said, other than that I was happy he was in town and we were getting to know each other. He responded in a lighthearted manner, and we hung out again that night for his last night in town, but it was awkward. Again, our alone time was good (I was a bit in my head, but had fun) and comfortable, but in front of other people, I felt like he was talking to everyone but me. He would sit by me and ask if I wanted to share food, and bought my drinks, etc., but he barely spoke directly to me. He came back to my place that night and we cuddled and talked and it was comfortable and nice, but we didn’t really discuss the night before, other than him joking that I have a sensitive ego.

He went home the next day, and that’s when things changed. It has been nearly four weeks since he left, and we are barely communicating. When he first left, he initiated the contact and kept it going (asking questions, sending pictures, etc.), but at a markedly reduced rate. I know we’re not supposed to read too much into texting, etc., but this is long distance, and it’s how we’ve been getting to know each other. Plus, he’s texting me maybe 10% of what he was before, and he’s not as lighthearted or open. At first I suspected a slow fade on his part, but then he would send a sweet, engaging text and make me think he was back into it. Then I would respond, and he’d go days without reaching out. Two weeks ago, I suggested a phone date in a really light, breezy way, and he said “I’d love to, but I’m busy tonight and through Thursday (then explained what he was busy with each night), can we do this weekend?” I was going to be out of town that weekend, and suggested that we postpone until the following Monday. He didn’t respond directly to that request, but texted about other things.

I called him that Monday, and he didn’t pick up. On Wednesday morning at like 6 AM, I received a text saying he was sorry for the delay, he was still very busy with work, and asked a few questions about me and things he knew I had going on. We texted a bit about that, and then last Thursday, I felt like I needed answers, so maybe I messed up big time, but I couldn’t help it. I texted him and told him that I had called to tell him that I was super excited to meet him initially and really enjoyed him via text, and had so much fun with him in person, and that when he had left, I was excited about getting to know him even better and hopefully see him again, and referenced that I may not have communicated that well while he was in town. I mentioned that it felt like something had shifted since he left, and said I was just throwing it out there because I didn’t want things to stop feeling fun or feel forced.

He responded quickly and basically said that he didn’t know what to say. He said that he obviously likes me, but he had “low expectations” because of the distance, especially given how crazy his work is. He said he was “taking things as they come” but was sensing that maybe I wanted to be “more proactive?”

I responded and said that I understood about the distance and our schedules and said that I was hoping for more proactivity in the sense that I wanted to get to know him better and see how things evolved. I explained that I understood that maintaining the level of contact we had before the trip was not feasible, but that I wanted to make sure we were on the same page.

He said that it wasn’t that we’re not on the same page, but he is “skeptical” about his ability to commit the time necessary to progress the relationship. He said he had planned on us continuing to text “as best we could” and then he’d come visit again for a show or something, and we’d reassess after the weekend.

At this point, I started reading this site, and realized that I should never have brought this up, so I decided to try and give him some space, particularly because I thought I made my wants clear, so he could come to me if he was interested.

Anyway, I responded saying I totally understood and hoped he had a great week at work. He responded asking if that was all I had to say, and so I said that I didn’t mean to be insubstantial with my response, and that I understood where he was coming from and appreciated his candor. That was five days ago, and he hasn’t written back.

Do I need to accept that this is over, or should I have responded more openly to his explanation about where he saw things going? I see a lot of potential with him, and I understand that I can’t control what he wants or does. I’m just hoping he doesn’t think I slammed the door in his face. A few of my guy friends think I bruised his ego when I said I wanted to take things day-by-day in the face of him saying we had serious decisions to make, and that he has been playing it cool because he doesn’t know where I stand. But I feel like I reached out and showed my cards, so now he should feel good?!

Help!