Casual Relationship Woes

Elsa,

Usually when a guy says he’s not ready for a relationship, he’s really saying he doesn’t want a relationship with you. Whatever is going on in his life will not keep him away from pursuing you if he really wanted you. You agreed to a casual arrangement with him so that’s exactly what you’re going to get. If you wanted more, you should’ve told him that. He’s just doing what y’all agreed to, so you can’t really fault him for that.

My suggestion is to continue to NOT CONTACT THIS MAN. Keep yourself busy so you won’t drive yourself crazy. It’s been 8 months and the relationship has not progressed. It doesn’t take a man months to figure out if he wants to be with a woman. They pretty much know right off the bat. But if you still want to try to make this work, make him come to you. Let him initiate “the talk” with you. You initiating “the talk” will do nothing but push him away, because y’all agreed to a causal arrangement, and feelings aren’t supposed to be involved. If he wants you, he knows where to find you. But like I stated, it’s been 8 months and nothing. So I would strongly suggest throwing this fish back in the pond. Besides, it seems he’s got a lot of baggage anyway, with his messy break up and all. Do you really want to deal with that?

Sorry you are not in the good place for a relationship either. If you were, soon as you hear he is no where near for a good relationship. You should have headed out.

You are going to drag yourself down more than he does. He has been treating you like a company – female companion . Don’t be naive and think you could get more out of him now. He is a weary soldier and please be wary yourself.

Leave him for couple of months and ask him to think thru what he can offer. If not, you could drag yourself down for years receiving like warm attention. It is all about you now- not him.

Elsa,
When a man says he does not want a relationship right now take it at face value.
This situation will not change so I’d say it’s best to just move forward.
A man knows whether or not he wants to be with you and if after 8 months of knowing you that has not changed don’t expect a miraculous miracle to happen.
Don’t ever settle or less from any man, if you want a relationship hold on to that.
There is a man out there that will want a relationship and even better one with you.

Survival of the fittest

” it is not the strongest or the most intelligent who will survive but those who can best manage change.”

Leon Megginson

Best of luck to you

Options2,

I like that quote! Thank you for the words of encouragement. I have never posted relationship questions on here before but it’s amazing how supportive complete strangers can be. Very refreshing. Sending good vibes your way. :)

Maria,

I agree that going “MIA” on him is the best thing to do. I just wish I had some more self-control! I have hardly reached out to him as I know he has been busy with work. Of course, I have been blaming myself for this sudden lack of contact on his end. For example, the last time we talked was on Monday. I could just tell that he was in bad mood that day and he did state that work has been super stressful as he owns his own business. Anyway, that same night he had went to go play poker with a few of his friends after work. One of his friends was explaining to him what “Tinder” (dating app) was and showed him the app on his phone. Days before this, I was feeling a little resentful and pulled up my old Tinder account. Mind you, I have never used this app in a serious fashion and downloaded it about a year ago to see what all the hype was about. So I log back in, feel immediately silly for opening the app out of resentment and also the immaturity of the whole thing. “You’re 25, Elsa. Knock it off.” Promptly deleted the app, contemplated society’s corruption of dating these days, and went on with my day. (Again, I know this all sounds so immature, and honestly, I am embarrassed to even admit it.) So back to the poker/Tinder night. Guess who’s profile never got successfully deleted and showed up on this person’s phone? Yup. Mine. So I definitely dug myself a hole here. I am definitely not one to play games and this was just pure bad luck. He brings up that they came across my profile and it had been recently “active” in the last few days. At this point, I can literally feel my face burning up due to feeling incredibly foolish. On the other hand, I am sort of annoyed that I should even have to feel guilty as I know that he talks about getting with other women to his friends. It shows when he’s out and I don’t trust that he would shoot an opportunity (woman) down should the opportunity arise.
Oh goodness, I apologize to anyone who read all of that and is now thinking, “Is this girl 12?” To round out the story, my main concern is, did I just scare him off completely because of his hypersensitive fear of being vulnerable? He has trust issues and has told me this from the beginning. Like I have stated before, I have bent over backwards trying to make him see that not everyone is out to get him. I know you can’t promise others that you won’t hurt them. That’s never a guarantee. But now I feel like the bad guy over a silly little slip up. Maybe it’s for the better…

Sincerely,
Super embarrassed Tinder idiot

Act like a lady think like a man

I’d say you are holding on for one of two reasons. Hope or the fear of letting go.
You are still hoping things will just work out and he’ll step it up. Make that commitment to you. Or you’re fearing if you leave now he’ll find someone else.

Either way the best thing to do is just step back.I still say move forward to better prospects but, at the end of the day the choice is yours.

Kh,

I think the fear of letting go is what is driving me. How does anyone get through this phase without driving themselves completely mad and wondering what they did wrong? Uff it’s been a doozy.

Kimf,

Yes, yes I do. (sigh) And I know that’s not what I’m getting here…

First of all you did nothing wrong except choose the wrong guy to put your feelings into.

You are fine otherwise. Why you chose to slather your feelings on a guy who is not right for you is for the therapist’s couch. But that is what is going on here.

Maybe you are afraid to be loved. Some people are.

You are spinning your wheels with Mr. Out of Reach.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Girl, all you have to do is choose the RIGHT man….that is all you have to do.

Thanks Em.

Yes I do know that it’s not that I did something wrong and it’s not a reflection of me. But I sent him a video from our trip to Colorado last night. It was back in May when we went there. No response. I know I shouldn’t have done it but he has always been the type of person to respond to things like that. He also would worry so much if he ever thought that I might be upset about something and has said “I would want you to tell me if something is wrong because I don’t want you to ever be upset and not tell me.” Why can’t he do the same for me? I know guys aren’t good with emotions but I seriously feel like I have done something very wrong. Maybe not by anybody else’s standards but in his eyes, I’ve done something. And I just want to understand his perspective on it. I wake up every morning feeling incredibly guilty and embarrassed. Embarrassed that I thought he would ever let me down easy or at least not just disappear into thin air. I thought he respected me more than that. I’ve been giving him his space though. It’s about to be two weeks this coming Tuesday from the last time that we talked. He texted me this past Sunday after I asked him how his weekend was. I know that the last time I talked to him, he was super busy with work and has been losing workers at his business which I’m sure can cause stress. I’m not saying that if he does come around that I will take him back. But I am so sick and tired of holding my tongue and pretending that everything is okay. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so out of control right now and distractions are not working for me. I just feel this extreme weight on my chest and it’s like the beginnings of a panic attack. I don’t mean to sound mellow dramatic but it’s the truth. Getting out of bed is difficult and again, I am just so embarrassed that he couldn’t even answer that text I sent last night. I’ve been resisting contact until that text, trying to give him space. He is not one to always answer texts right away and has just stopped calling me before. It happened back in April and then when he got back to me, it was as if nothing happened. Right now I’m also worried that someone has said something to him since we live in such a small community. We have all the same friends and I just feel like my insatiable need to “talk things through” to people has backfired. Could someone have reported back to him about something I’ve said?

Boy do I know how you feel! I’m sorry this has happened to you. Years ago I used to do “casual” relationships too (FWB) but now require a lot more of men who want to be in my life. For me it’s now either friends, or exclusive committed relationship. I had to learn that lesson the hard way… it wasn’t easy but I had to walk away from two men.

You teach people how to treat you with your standards and boundaries. Unfortunately you’ve set yourself up to be in this situation. I know it sucks and it hurts terribly but no amount of “hanging on” or trying to convince him how right you are for him is ever going to change anything. All it will do is make you look desperate to him and make you feel worse about yourself.

You are going to have to go thru a grieving period here and ask yourself some tough questions, such as why am I accepting crumbs? Why did I agree to have a casual relationship when ultimately that’s not what I want? When you agree to FWB then what you are saying to a man is that he can have all the benefits of being in a relationship (sex, emotional support, companionship, friendship) WITHOUT actually having to be in one.

I know you’re afraid to end things, but that’s exactly what you need to do. Otherwise you will be on this emotional merry-go-round for a long time. Haven’t you suffered enough already? Allow yourself to fully feel the pain of this loss and then resolve to never do this again. Work on yourself (your self esteem, read about dating on this and other sites) — do whatever it takes to become healthy again so that you want to have men in your life but don’t “need” them. Find out why you are going after relationships that have no potential. (When a man tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, he means it!)

I know this message is quite a downer, but I want to leave you on a positive note… it’s possible to come out the other side of this and be a happy person. You have to want it, you have to do the work, you have to be willing to change, you have to heal, and you have to choose wisely. I’m living proof of that … I’m now in a very happy relationship.

In the beginning he only wanted a casual relationship too but soon learned that I wouldn’t be up for that and he’d have to earn his way into my life. He realized that if he wanted to date me he’d have to do what it takes. The right man will do it, the wrong ones won’t. It’s that simple. But you have to have standards and boundaries and be willing to enforce them.

So we broke things off this past weekend. It was a weekend filled with too much alcohol consumption and I had finally had it and sent him a very lengthy text message. His response; “I have told you from the beginning I didn’t want a girlfriend. Only a friend. Repeatedly. And I’m not going to take someone seriously when they are on hookup sites. And lie about it and say I haven’t been on there in forever and it says you were on there two days ago. That’s why I quit calling you. I don’t think we are a good fit together. And just want to be nothing more than friends. That don’t have sex.”

Okay. So I get blamed. Again, I’m embarrassed by the whole thing but if this really fair or do you think he was just using it as an excuse to get out of the situation? Because he downloaded the app promptly after and also has been chasing after a friend of a mutual friend he met. She’s blonde, pretty, seems easy. So I’m at fault here? He literally turns things around on me like I was the one who caused this whole thing. We talked it out over the weekend and made amends. But still. I seriously don’t know how to deal with the jealousy and feelings of insecurity that come after a “break up” because I just know he will be trying to get laid by the next person he finds, especially since he was doing this even before the whole Tinder thing. Should I feel responsible?