Casual Relationship Woes

He was never yours. He is right in the sense that he told you upfront that he didn’t want a relationship and you continued anyway. That part is your fault because you did not listen and now you are hurt even though his stance has not changed this entire time.

It’s good things are over now; now you can start the process of moving on. Do not contact him at all, ever, and take this as a learning lesson. Do not repeat this mistake again. You’ve see now that it doesn’t serve you well.

Yes, I know. He was very clear about it and I was naive enough to think he might change his mind. I just feel very ashamed and embarrassed right now. I apologized for voicing my concerns via text. We talked it out and he seemed very nonchalant about it all. However, I feel like I apologized far more than I should have because if he can get mad at me over this Tinder thing and say that ” he can’t take me seriously”. then why is it okay for him to be seeking out other women? I know it doesn’t matter now but it’s like he took that one thing and just ran with it.

“NOT YOUR PROBLEM NOW! Let him be some other woman’s problem.”

This.

Elsa…you made a mistake. Welcome to the party.

Beating yourself up for it does *nothing* for you.

If you learned how to walk on broken glass, you would never stand on your own 2 feet…so do not wallow every time you screw up. It is telling you somethig you need to know.

Once the milk gets spilled the only question that matters is “What do I want now? What should my next step be? What will make me happy/responsible/accomplished?”

Omg Elsa,
I’m in the exact same situation you were… I feel like things have changed and I want to bring it up, but I guess I’m afraid of what will happen

I know this is an older post and Elsa I hope you are doing okay. I just had complications with a man I had casual relationship with too. Sucks but at least your guy was upfront with you from the beginning. I was dating an undercover serial dater….

Em – I have to steal this. Great one, this made my morning so far.

“If you learned how to walk on broken glass, you would never stand on your own 2 feet…so do not wallow every time you screw up. It is telling you something you need to know.
Once the milk gets spilled the only question that matters is “What do I want now? What should my next step be? What will make me happy/responsible/accomplished?””

Thank you everyone. I am just trying to much to not dwell on it and feel guilty. I keep telling myself that this is all my fault and I’m having a hard time realizing that he will have no problem moving on. It’s a mistake. I just wish I hadn’t wasted so much of my time. It’s not fair either because he texted me the other night. I responded yesterday morning and then he ignored me after that. Is he trying to play mind games? I just hate seeing people’s unkind side come out at the end of relationships when you know their good side.

Blocking him is the best thing. It was for me. I had a rollercoaster of a non relationship for two years and when I finally blocked him it gave me such piece of mind. Every time we broke up before I wouldn’t block him so about a month later he’d reach out and we’d start up all over again. The last time I blocked him and it was helpful for me in that every time I got a message or phone call I wasn’t hoping it was him because i knew it couldn’t be since I blocked him. Previously I was always checking my phone, getting annoyed when someone else would text me and it wasn’t him, and I was constantly feeling that wave of disappointment. Since blocking him it hasn’t been an issue and it gave me such a sense of power and control knowing that any attempts he might be making to reach me, I would be blissfully unaware of.

Thanks everyone! I was just in Vegas this past weekend and he made so many random attempts to talk to me. I should have just ignored him but they were simple/practical questions that only deserved one word answers. Then….as Vegas is famous for, I made a wrong decision and called him one night. Ugh! So now we are back to him ignoring me and the ball being in his court. I seriously have to almost laugh at this point. He is such a manipulative control freak and I feel that things could have turned out to be emotionally abusive in the future. He is telling people that the reason for our split is because “I showed up to his house drunk all the time.” Which literally happened twice. He projects all of his shortcomings on to me and I just want to call him out on it and stand up for myself for once. However, I think it’s a lost cause. I can’t believe how some people can believe their own lies…

He can only manipulate you if you ALLOW him to. Why are you still conversing with this man? I don’t care if told you his grandma died, you don’t need to respond. The more you engage in his lame attempts to reel you back in, the harder it will be for you to move on. At some point you need to take some responsibility for this because he could be texting you day and night but you are the one perpetuation it by replying. You aren’t taking the necessary steps to completely remove him from your life and you know that. It’s not that difficult to block someone on every possible avenue they could use to contact you.

Until you come to your senses you are going to keep perpetuating this cycle with him. Just know that at this point it is your choice to do so. If you want out then you know what you need to do.

Alright everyone,

Sorry for the delay in response. I needed a few weeks to process this whole non-relationship breakup and I am on the road to recovery! Slowly but surely, the sting to my ego is not as bad and I know that eventually I can look back on this and learn some very important lessons here. I will never make that same mistake again. I sold myself short and thought that I could keep him around by being intimate with him. Boy, was I wrong. So, again, lessons to be learned here. We are on good terms. He wanted to remain friends but I told him no. Not now at least. Each day seems to be getting easier.

However, and I know this seems petty, but what are the best ways to deal when you know that they will be moving on rather quickly? I know this is an inevitable thing and his business is his business. He is free to have sex with/date whomever he pleases. So far, I have just tried changing my perspective and accepting the fact that this WILL happen, regardless of my feelings. I tell myself that it has nothing to do with me. I exchange the negative thoughts and replace them with the positive. I’ve been doing yoga, meditating, going for walks with my dog, etc and just overall trying to keep myself busy. And it IS getting easier. However, I find myself experiencing quite a bit of anxiety, especially at night and in the morning, about the fact that he may very well be on the search for a hookup this very weekend. Again, it’s out of my control and there is no use worrying about someone else when all you can really do is control your feelings and responses to your own emotions. But it’s as if while I’m out and about with my friends or my family, and say its a Friday or Saturday night when he is likely out drinking, it’s like I’m living it in real time. For example, I could be just hanging out at home and just the notion of him being out drinking, I start to imagine where he is and who he’s with and what he’s doing with them. I know it’s not a reflection of me and I know my value. His rebound has nothing to do with me. But I need some advice here. I knew this would be the most difficult part and if I could just get over this last little slump as soon as possible, I would be able to shed these feelings so much quicker.

Anyone have advice or experience in this? (He’s been baiting me with texts because he didn’t want me seeing anyone else. I told him that wasn’t fair so right now, we are in NC.)

Hi Elsa, how you’re thinking we all do that. It will take time to process. Just know that internalizing and reflecting your life, past and current in the now will hurt but it shouldn’t cause you anxiety. The truth is you DON’T need answers. It truly is was it is. All of us process things/emotions differently than each other so it will take tons of dating and heartaches for one person to get it to appreciate what is truly in front of you and all your relationships. I admire those who can obtain that mindset and to keep themselves strong to avoid certain sorts of influences before things get too rocky. I know plenty of male/females who get rejected and they will be with their s/o for some time, yes they go through pain but guess what, they deal with it and strong enough to ignore (my weakness too). Some people know how to deal with their emotions but they have a strong mentality of “I”m not going to put up with that shit”, when an ex or past person shows up. Not everyone needs to be ignored, but being cordial and knowing your limits is the key. Listen to your heart and gut. If something is off, most likely it’s telling you something. If you are strong enough to be cordial with someone then continue to do so. I don’t believe ignoring is always the best answer. It’s what society tells us to do, you know your limits and what you can put up with. Don’t let things let you down. I’ve been heartbroken several times and each time I’ve become stronger and I appreciate those opportunities. Sort of a wake up call to what I’m striving for and what I consider myself as a person, an individual. My character. Don’t let this man change you, or make you weak because you aren’t. You are on a path of healing and stay that way.

when I have felt like that I just kept telling myself “he is not interested. it’s not worth pursuing” & when I just kept telling myself he’s not interested it sunk in & in a few days I just accepted it & felt over it. the “bottom line” always cures me

Just read this thread, how are you Elsa? Congrats to you and please never fall back into his traps. Grieving takes time and you will care for a while but this guy was a serious sociopath. Talk about double standards; it is ok for him to hook up with whoever and yet you cannot even have a dating profile? Control freak, sociopath, psycho, etc. You deserve better than that. You know how many times I have accidentally left a profile up BTW? No one has ever called me out on it. One time I had trouble deleting an app too and was freaking about it but if this guy was never committed to you then why did he even care? He never offered you anything yet he expected full committment from you, this is sick. You are a very lucky woman that you found out soon enough and it will be much easier for you to move on now than it would have been later. Please please remain in no contact.