Celebrity Story – Totally Crazy


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  • #519373 Reply
    Newbie

    And i agree with may, you called it a celebrity story. You could have also called it a man gone broke story.

    #519374 Reply
    M

    Hi Antonia,

    I know you don’t want any more comments but I think some of us have tried to give you advice outside of the details surrounding his celebrity. No need to reply if it bothers you this much, I’m sorry if you feel you did not receive the help you were looking for but my advice would be to look at this objectively–without his celebrity involved.

    Do you really want a long distance relationship? Do you think that it would be best to start something with someone who is going through a bit of a rough time to begin with? The long distance and his troubles with finances and his career do not sound like the making of anything healthy and stable.

    You may travel to see him again if you have the time and the funds to do so, but just know given those two facts (the distance, his financial/career troubles), it probably won’t start or end on very good footing. Men usually need to feel secure in their career and finances before they can really begin focusing on a relationship with a woman. He already did the ghosting thing on you before and he will probably continue to do it until his career/finances improves…and who knows how long that will take or if he’ll end up meeting another woman.

    My advice–given your new information about him not having the means to fly you out or fly to you–consider what you really want, assess if he can give it to you, and determine if he can or cannot deliver on the things you want. Don’t compromise.

    It may be a good idea to just tell him send him warm wishes that all works out for him and to contact you in the future when he is more settled. This would let him know that you are interested, but you won’t be strung along and that if he wants you, he needs to come correct with you.

    #519378 Reply
    Eric Charles
    Keymaster

    Hey there,

    Just a quick general comment about wanting a guy who’s super busy and in-demand.

    The reality is that no matter how much he likes you and how much you’d be good together, he:

    1) Probably gets a lot of attention from lots of different women.
    2) Is probably very busy.
    3) Probably gets “swallowed up” by his projects from time to time.

    None of those things are a problem, per se. They’re just the nature of his life and lifestyle and people are always a “whole package” – we don’t get to choose the qualities we like in someone a al carte… they either work for you as a whole package or they don’t.

    When you have a guy who’s busy and in demand, it’s not a problem unless you choose to fill the time gaps with fear of loss.

    By that I mean… you want something to happen with him… and because you want it, it turns into a daydream… then you get sucked into the fantasy and now would be upset if that fantasy doesn’t come true. That “upsetness” is the fear of loss, your thwarted wanting – you lose your opportunity to get what you fantasized would come true.

    When humans think they have something that they could lose, they go into a fearful state.

    When humans think they don’t feel like they have something that could be lost, they don’t go into that fearful state and instead have access to taking things as they come and letting the vibe of their presence by enjoyable and fun, not fearful and heavy.

    It’s all a matter of perspective – thinking you “have something you could lose” in the realm of relationships is an illusion… and a very destructive one.

    On the level of thinking you “have something” – let it go. You have nothing and that is liberating.

    On the level of play, play with life and have fun. If he appears play with him. If he doesn’t, you’ll barely notice because life is your play, and you’re playing somewhere else.

    Humans are attracted to another person’s vibe. And what determines your vibe? Your emotional state – your mood.

    Make your mood your priority and let FUN, enjoyment and peace fill your life… worry, fear, anger, etc. all come out of a feeling that things *should* be different or that you’re afraid of losing something and that if you lose it, life wouldn’t be as good.

    When you make your VIBE your priority (by making your mood your priority), you attract the world. Let this be your life’s way of teaching you this important lesson.

    Hope it helps.

    #519382 Reply
    Hannah

    I’m not sure whether to reply or answer the points you posted to me, so I’ll answer.

    I’m not seeing celebrity. I’m sorry but I’m seeing a man who has put in very little effort. He may have been caught up with other things. When you meet, it might kick-start things between you. I sincerely hope that happens. I just think you should be realistic and careful about who you give your heart to. This interaction is making you feel hurt and bringing up issues for you already.

    I said he totally ignored you for three months. I got that from you saying “I sent him a message to ask him about the project. He didn’t reply. I waited some more, about 3 months in total…”. For me liking things on social media doesn’t count as interaction between 2 people. I’m sure all of us read the posts very carefully. The thing with a forum is you will get a range of opinions. You don’t have to agree with them all or take the advice on board.

    #519385 Reply
    Eric Charles
    Keymaster

    Also, since I’m in the forum at the moment and reading this stuff, I COMPLETELY see why Antonia was upset by some (not all) of the comments. And I don’t blame her.

    I’m giving examples but these are NOT directed towards anyone, seriously… there are some great longtime members that may have said things like what I’m about to list, but in context they were fine — so please understand this isn’t an implied attack on you, you’re fine, don’t worry.

    Here’s the formula about how things go off the rails in this forum:

    Someone responds with sweeping personal judgments about the person
    – “you sound very needy and desperate!”
    – “how old are you?”

    Then follow it up with smack-in-the-face “advice” that is so off the mark that it infuriates the OP:

    – “don’t contact him” (not because it’s good advice, but because that poster got triggered by the OP’s post somehow and wants to take their anger out)
    – “he SHOULD bend over backwards to please you, I mean, you’ve been on one date already!”

    And then finally, other people jump in and say, “How could you be offended? Why are you mad? You asked for this?”

    —-

    Listen everyone – you are BETTER than this… I see this pattern play out over and over to varying degrees and people feed into it every time!

    Instead of labeling the OP (“how old are you?” and “you sound needy”), give your comment space to not come off as a personal attack or judgment (such as, “you may have come across needy to him, though I might be missing details)

    Putting people on the defensive derails posts.

    It’s clear-as-day the difference between people who want to help and people who want to “smack the OP in the face” for their own sick entertainment. OPs don’t deserve that and that’s not what this forum is here for.

    Finally, in nearly every case I’ve seen, when I see forum members saying, “I don’t understand why OPs get offended when they ask for advice”, the OP is almost always 100% justified in their shocked reaction to how some people respond to them.

    Yes, this is an open forum. Yes, people are going to get a mix of opinions. That doesn’t mean that we can’t do better as a community. Moreover, if that smack-in-the-face style of advice were to disappear from the forum forever, I wouldn’t shed a tear.

    (Again, I saw people responding here who are regulars and I’m not targeting you in this post… Mae and Hannah come to mind but there might be others — you guys are fine, I want you to know I’m not talking about you here).

    Just please reflect on what I’m saying here. The trolls are the trolls and they’re easy enough to weed out and delete, but for the “good guys” I want to make sure we make this forum as positive an experience as it can be. Thanks everyone.

    #519395 Reply
    Antonia

    Alright, I had to come back I guess :)

    Eric,

    Brilliant as usual. I’ve studied a lot about vibes and that is definitely true. The hardest part is to cope with the fears and insecurities. I know that, if I don’t get rid of those now, I will face the same lessons with the next man.

    You’re always extremely helpful, always. That is exactly how I’ve been seeing this story. I’m more bothered by my own reactions than by his absence. I have a deep understanding of his situation. I can forgive him for certain things – things other women wouldn’t forgive. And that’s OK. We are all different.
    “it’s not a problem unless you choose to fill the time gaps with fear of loss” – guilty as charged…!

    Hannah,

    I understand. Actually my close friends have very different opinions on this story. Some say he’s not putting effort, other say he’s doing great, given the situation. What upset me was that some people only retained part of the information, yet drew very rough conclusions — not about him or the story, but about me, my intellect, my age etc. There is no actual conclusion for the story itself, even if I’ve been searching for one myself.
    This is a budding thing and it will be what it will be.
    You’re right, I wrote the main post in a hurry and messed up a few things. People give different meanings to social media signals. I observed his patterns and I believe I know what he means by them. Yesterday I discussed this with my best friend. She ‘likes’ posts randomly and is very forgetful or careless about it. I’m her opposite, I remember stuff and I’m like “Oh, you never like my posts, I won’t like yours either!”. Different attitudes…

    What I want now?
    To meet him again.
    We’re working on that.
    That’s all.
    Once we meet, there will be another story to talk about, good or bad.

    M,

    I appreciate you taking time to write this. I’ve been in many LDRs already and they went fine, until we discovered certain incompatibilities we couldn’t get past (I never had the inspiration to reveal those early on). I’m ok with LDRs. My longest one was of 6 years.
    I am no longer looking for perfect people, who have it all together. Adult life is hard, many of us are messed up for one reason or another. I do not believe we need to be perfect to start a relationship. I am ready to take “the whole package”, as Eric says. Certainly there are women out there who would run away from him. I wouldn’t. I don’t see myself as a princess in need to be pampered by a perfect prince.
    He did the ghosting on pretty much everyone. Shame on me, I’m a stalker. That was in that time Eric talks about…
    As for the rest of your message, that’s pretty much what I’m planning to give off as a vibe… but it’s essential to meet him again first.

    I realise I worded my main message pretty badly. I thought that mentioning ‘celebrity’ would point out his special status and the incredible thing that happened to me. My intention was not to brag. I am genuinely surprised and happy that this man I could only admire for afar has actually paid attention to me. That’s all.

    #519396 Reply
    Newbie

    Hi Eric,
    Thanks, i understand your point. I didn’t read all the posts, but i have seen threats gone off track so many times now.
    But honestly i also see a lot of posters who post the same thing and just don’t accept the answers they are given. They don’t have to off course, but usually the advice is very solid. That doesn’t make me mad, it makes me sad. Amd sometimes i respond to that. I think we all know what it is if you chose to ignore the most logical and hope for something else. I have done it, we all have. Its never my intention to be rude and i think that goes for most of us, but sometimes you get frustrated. I choose to ignore them mostly, but in the end you want the advice seekers to walk out wiser and more balanced, because that is what it did for me.

    #519398 Reply
    M

    Antonia,

    Don’t feel bad about how you described your situation, typing out our “situations” on forums like these is hard because you want to make sure you don’t forget any important detail and you’re so focused on making sure everyone understands every component involved…it can be hard. I’m sure others felt like you were bragging but I think most of us are just skeptical about celebrities contacting fans…there are A LOT of posers on the internet. I hope you found the advice you were searching for and good luck, I really wish you the best. Do you like you plan, see him, have that fun and exciting adventure, but let things flow naturally. If he wants to be with you it will be…of course at that point you may decide you don’t want him haha.

    #519400 Reply
    Hannah

    Antonia, I’m with Eric. The way to get the vibes good is to try not to care! It actually can help to be a bit negative about the situation. Remember you have only met him once, you don’t really know him. Keep your feet on the ground. No more use of the love word until you have got to know him very, very well. You can’t love the real, true him at the moment.

    Take meeting him as a fun experience. Nothing else. Don’t look to the future or think it means anything. Just enjoy your time together. Sometimes I think things don’t have to turn into a relationship or lead anywhere still to be a good experience. But you have to be in the right mindset for that. Otherwise you will get hurt. Like you say, meet again and see how it goes. Good luck!

    #519410 Reply
    Antonia

    Dear M,

    You are right, I see why some people would be skeptical. In the end, though, no one knows my identity, nor his. To tell the truth, I am very excited that all this has happened, even with all the fear and pain involved. Those are my own, inner demons I must fight. I agree with what you say… I hope to reach that state where I’m only enjoying it and letting it flow.

    If I’m to think of my real question at the time of opening this thread, it would be: how often should I contact him? When is it too much? because I’m soooo afraid of seeming desperate. Also, in the past I used to be that cold b*tch who wouldn’t even bother to reciprocate.

    Hi Hannah,

    Yes, that’s very true… and this is my biggest challenge, to get the good vibe and keep it. I hate being needy and that only makes it worse, as I start to beat myself up because of it. As we can see, Eric didn’t bother with the man in this story, but asked me to work on myself. Thank you for the wishes, I also wish you the best of luck!

    #519431 Reply
    M

    Antonia,

    It doesn’t seem like you have been coming across as needy to him, but it does seem like you are becoming too invested emotionally in private. I think you have already set it in motion that you are interested and open to meeting with him in person. He knows this and he should be reaching out to you accordingly to make sure these plans follow through. I think at this point you have done enough to show your interest, and I would advise that you let him do the initiating from this point forward. His job is to initiate and your job is to respond, however after a few times of contact, if he doesn’t seem to taking things forward to plan to meet you then just back off completely.

    #519435 Reply
    Mae

    Eric,

    Thank you for jumping in. It’s always a delicate balance with these things, isn’t it? Can you clarify something, though?

    How is saying something along the lines of, “Don’t contact him” indicative that, as you say, “… that [the] poster got triggered by the OP’s post somehow and wants to take their anger out?” Oftentimes, people people ask, “What should I do?” or, “What do you think?” they want some kind of instruction or next step. In many instances, I feel as though, “Don’t contact him” as a standalone can be logical. It would be different, however, if it were followed by something scathing like, “Don’t contact him. You’re needy. You’ve embarrassed yourself enough already.” Thoughts?

    #519436 Reply
    Mae

    Often times, *when people ask.

    #519458 Reply
    Xandi

    Geeze, people earlier in this post were very insensitive and rude…there’s a difference between CONSTRUCTIVE criticism and DESTRUCTIVE criticism…you don’t have to make someone feel bad to get your point across…but I’m glad Eric intervened…The main reason I stopped asking for advice on here was because people would jump down my throat and make me feel worse when all I was asking for help. Good luck with everything Antonia and I hope it all works out for you!

    #519463 Reply
    Eric Charles
    Keymaster

    @Mae – Take a look at the context it was said within. Nothing wrong with instruction, but if you look at the comments she was getting from a few people, it didn’t read like advice, it read like a flap to the face after a few implied put downs. Read it over yourself and I think you’ll see where I was coming from on this.

    And again, you’re all good – none of what I said was directed towards you, just want to make sure that’s clear.

    @Xandi – Yeah, exactly.

    @Newbie – I appreciate that. There’s a sentiment some of the forum regulars have that is something like: We see the same questions over and over again… and we tell them the advice and the people refuse to listen!

    — General comments (not specifically directed at you, Newbie) —

    The issue is that to forum regulars, they’ve seen the question 100 times. To the OP, it’s very fresh, raw and real… to them, it’s not a stale repeat of a common question – it’s their life.

    If you think you’ve seen the same question and answer happen over and over again, imagine what it’s like for me and Sabrina! We’ve seen just about everything you can think of thousands and thousands of times…

    But… even after seeing the question asked over and over, Sabrina and I don’t lose sight of why we’re responding: To help. To help get the person out of pain. To help get the person into clarity. To help the person feel better.

    There is no one in this forum who has seen anywhere near the amount of repeat questions that Sabs and I have seen… but it has not diminished our patience or compassion when answering, because we always answer from that same place every time.

    It’s not about being “right” in an argument… it’s about being helpful and effective in helping them get them out of pain.

    If your approach is driving the OP further into pain, you probably need to check what your motivating emotion is while posting…

    #519468 Reply
    Mae

    @Eric- yes, I see what you mean. Thanks.

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