Cheating Boyfriend Remedy

LnJ said it exactly right – you don’t. Enough is enough.

This is a yo-yo game between the two of you since you’ve broken up and returned 10 times. You’ve trained him you’ll tolerate whatever he dishes out. You want it to stop? You move out and you don’t look back. You only communicate about the child. You get counseling if you need help figuring out how to break this pattern forever and learn what a good relationship looks and feels like. You focus on your wellbeing and the child’s wellbeing only. He’s not mature enough to be a proper partner and father and doesn’t sound like that’s going to change anytime soon. I’m sorry. I know this is hard. But it’s your life and you have to take command and quit listening to his pretty words. Cheaters like this take a long, long time to change, if they ever do. This guy has shown you repeatedly he’s only interested in what he wants and to hell with the consequences. So you go do the same and look out for the best interests of yourself and your little one.

U move on. No other option. Only gud thing is that going ahead you know that u did give him sooo many chances n that u finally walkd out since there was no other option..

Thank you all.

These are the advice I would give to other people as well and I’m in conplete agreement, but sometimes when it’s on you living it, it’s hard to do. 😪

I had a conversation about this with him this morning. We spoke kindly to eachother and I feel calmer. He said he needed some space after the argument we had and swears he was not seeing someone during that time. We also spoke about some things we had talked about that we change about ourselves and when we had that argument it showed him that I wasn’t keeping my part of the change and that doesn’t encourage him want to be a better communicator.

Oh well, I hope that we can better our relationship.

“We also spoke about some things we had talked about that we change about ourselves and when we had that argument it showed him that I wasn’t keeping my part of the change and that doesn’t encourage him want to be a better communicator.”

So you just got gaslighted – he deflected taking responsibility for himself – he blamed you for his BS and you bought it.

“Oh well, I hope that we can better our relationship.”

Not likely. By your own admission you’ve split up and gotten back together 10 times.

Read that again: 10 times. 10 times. 10 times. That’s extremely unhealthy. You’re ignoring reality to stay in this relationship for some reason.

This guy is a cheater and a poor partner and father but you aren’t ready to wake up and smell the coffee and leave him – and the title of your post was a clue. You’re clinging to hope he’ll come around and act right. But there is no “remedy” for a cheating boyfriend other than to kick his butt to the curb and go live your best life.

It’s OK. Everyone does things on their own time. I really hope some day not too soon, for the sake of your child if nothing else, you will open your eyes and see you deserve a lot better than this.

Best of luck.

by your own admission, you have given him so many chances. but its still the same. he put this latest episode totally on your shoulders and you agreed just because you probably deep down are not ready to break up with him. so no matter what any of us say, you will keep trying and trying. unless you wake up to the thought that you had enough and you deserve a better partner, nothing either of us say will make an iota of difference.

Some people believe getting back together many times is a sign there’s a deep connection and true love, or you wouldn’t keep getting pulled back together. Unfortunately, I’ve learned over the years that this romantic way of looking at these situations where one person is toxic and disrespectful but keeps coming back and the other person stays and accepts it is anything but. It’s usually a sign that both people have had deep trauma and don’t know their way out of it. He keeps coming back because he can, and worse, he knows exactly when he’s in the wrong! Because he can turn on the charm and nice behavior when he wants to, so he knows exactly what he’s doing and how to act to keep someone on the hook just enough to allow him to get away with whatever he wants. This is someone who has no respect for you.

It is difficult and painful when you’re in the situation, but you’re also getting in your own way at this point because you don’t believe in yourself enough to break the cycle. You’ve given him all these chances, which means you have all the information: he doesn’t change. This is the best you get out of him no matter what YOU try to do or how you act, this is him over and over. Maybe he hid it until you had a child together so you didn’t know, and if so you can’t beat yourself up over that because it won’t help. You made the best decisions you could with the information you had at the time. But now that you have more information and know the truth, how do you do what’s best for you and your child? If your child sees him gaslighting you and manipulating you and that you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, it impacts the kid, too. Kids aren’t dumb, they observe and know even if they don’t know the details. They learn this is normal, they learn to accept this or treat people the same, and worse, they have a father who lies all the time and whom they themselves can’t trust, and then what happens… they think people can’t be trusted. They think maybe it’s their own fault their father treats them a certain way. They get stressed from their mother being stressed all the time. They learn that this is how a person should treat others and take it out on others in times of stress.

When it is hard and painful, think of the bigger picture. This doesn’t only impact you, it has a huge impact on your son, and how he’ll eventually feel and even how he’ll treat other people.

I’m not saying that to make you feel bad or worse that you’re still stuck in this situation, I’m saying it because sometimes realizing that you’re not the only person affected by a toxic environment can give people the strength and motivations to help themselves. It’s not necessarily obvious how these dynamics can impact whole families, I certainly wasn’t thinking this way for much of my life, but there’s a lot of research on it, and it starts to make sense if you look at things from that perspective.

I think it will help if you have someone to talk to in real life. A better support network or a therapist. You can’t change this guy, only yourself. And you deserve better, so I hope you can get to a point where you’re able to see that for yourself.

I agree with everyone here, good advice.

“But I have told him that if I leave again one more time it will truly be the last and nothing he’ll say or do will change that”

I doubt you will truly leave next time based on your track record. Cheating is a definite no. If that alone didn’t make you leave, you have already set a precedent and which is reflected because you continued for 10 times, well 11 times now.

I feel like you just don’t want to face reality and gone back to him for comfort and hope everything goes away… until next time. Good luck I suppose

He. Will. Not. Change.

Well said angie. The original poster knows that this will happen again yet she is unable to walk away permanently. Despite eveyone posting in favor of her making the break, she has decided to stay on. Goes to show that sometimes opinions posted here are not able to help the op. She definitely needs professional help to figure out why she keeps going back to a cheating partner and help her take the final step.

Beth, thanks for sharing all of that. I had a feeling it was very, very important for you to have a two parent household for your son. In your country, is it common not to get married?

I’ve known a few people who grew up in households where the parents stayed together “for the kids” and the kids saw right through the act. Those people expressed that they wished their parents had just split up, it would have been happier and healthier for all concerned. They felt guilt that their parents were so adamant that they were “putting the kids first.” One woman said she felt like her mother hid behind “we have to stay together for you” so she wouldn’t have to go into the workforce.

Your job as a parent is to launch your kids into the world. By about age 12, they’ve learned what they’re going to learn from you and start getting pretty independent and a lot of your job is done. At that point, it’s heading towards selfish to keeping up “I’m putting you ahead of me.” Just something to consider. Your kids want you to be happy. You actually aren’t helping by sacrificing all for them, forever and ever.

Unless your BF agrees to go to counseling and get honest and do the work to solve his issue and whatever issues are you between you, you really have no choice but to let him go do whatever and get on with your life. You’re right about “staying together while living apart” – that’s no good solution.

You will be pleasantly surprised at what starts falling into place once you make a decision that you’re done with him. New roads and new opportunities will magically appear, I promise.

Let us know how you are getting on as you take this journey!! We care about you here.