Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Co-worker / Friend crush – we hooked up, now what?
- This topic has 8 replies and was last updated 4 years ago by
CrushingQueen.
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CrushingQueen
Hi all – first time poster. Thanks I’m advance for reading!
We’ve been working together for 2+yrs. Not in the same department, or group, opposite ends of a huge building, and only met because he was looking for someone else, and I helped him, and we kind of hit it off right away. He started making reasons to “pop down” and I did with him as well. I eventually asked him to help me with something at my house, I made him dinner as a thank you, and we hugged (twice) goodbye, closely and long. Since then he started asking me to lunch, frequently. It became almost every day, and he kept buying me lunch, even after I would insist I buy it for him, he’d still pay (grabbing my lunch of the counter and paying for it lol). We started more obviously flirting, and I could tell he was definitely into me, too. 2 weeks ago, I invited him over for dinner, we ate, then hooked up a bit, and he slept over. We had lunch a few times again at work, and last weekend I invited him for dinner, again. While cooking, we chatted like normal, I kissed him a few times. We had dinner, and after we finished he said he started telling me that I’m a wonderful woman, but he came that night to tell me he’s been struggling with the idea of getting in a relationship with someone at work and he wanted to tell me in person. That he’s interested in me, but doesn’t want to lose our friendship. I was of course disappointed, but respected his opinion. He said he was going to head home, I went and kissed him again, we kept kissing, and he ended up staying the night again…
My question is, now what do I do? Should I just go back to being friends (no hooking up) and just hanging at work like we used to? We’re both on vacation right now for holidays, and don’t return until after the new year. I’m bummed at the thought of not seeing / speaking to him til then, but I don’t want to come on too strong, and not respect his wishes. But I ALSO don’t want him to think I’m ghosting him, by not talking at all… should I let seeping dogs lie? Send him a Merry Xmas text?! Do you think he’s in fact NOT actually interested?! UGH
Thanks in advance!
– CrushingQueenNewbie
This guy has been cristal clear to you. He doesnt want a relationship with you. Whether that is really about work or just the fact he doesnt want to get in too deep anyway you will never know. So its over. So what do you do. Nothing. You clearly interested in him so take care of yourself. No more hanging out. No more popping down. Suppose this guy starts to flirt with a new girl. You want to be hanging with him to witness this?
Diana
Did you two ever meet each other’s family or friends? If not then he has had a change of heart and is not at all interested in a relationship.
It’s possible he wasn’t looking for one to start and was coasting along because you were available.
Sounds like you gave it up too soon by inviting him over, cooking, getting physical, letting him sleep over and all. Girlfriend treatment was just dropped in his lap with no challenge whatsoever. What else does he have to do to win your heart or court you? Nothing.
He’s mentioning the friendship because he wants to remain on good terms so you don’t cause a problem for him at work. I’ve been there. He may invite you out for coffee or, if he’s super frisky, suggest dropping by your place for sex. All under the guise of friendship.
If you don’t mind being used from now on, stick with it. Guys don’t want big drama when rejecting you. So this friendship thing is dangled around in case he’s horny.
Sorry of this sounds harsh but this is exactly what is happening.
CrushingQueen
Thanks all. I appreciate you telling me what I didn’t want to admit to myself. We had been friends so long, hung out numerous times (with no intimacy). It sucks, I still like him as a person, but I guess I just have to drop the idea of it ever being anything more, that’s life I guess. Thank you for the honesty.
Liz Lemon
I agree with the others. He’s told you he doesn’t want a relationship. You clearly have feelings for him. So don’t continue giving him girlfriend benefits like cooking for him and sleeping with him. And if you keep hanging out with him hoping he’ll change his mind, one day you’re going to see him flirting with someone else, or he’s going to start telling you about girls he’s dating, etc.
I’d advise you to take some distance. If you work on opposite sides of a big building, stop popping down to see him and eating lunch together. It’s not ghosting him, it’s respecting your boundaries. If there is any possibility at all that he’s got a spark of romantic interest, your absence might motivate him to step up. But if you’re in his face everyday giving him girlfriend treatment without making him earn it, he’ll have no motivation to take that step with you.
CrushingQueen
Thanks Liz. Wise advice.
The one thing I struggle with is that he was doing “boyfriend” things for me too, often. He came to mount something on my house, came to the mend a huge hole in my wall, twice, offered to do something on my roof; when I was running for election at our job and he (everyone) got an email from the opposition, which seemed verging on disrespectful, he brought up how he was pissed of at it and went on about how he’d like to teach the guy a lesson, blah blah blah. And then kept buying me lunch – over a dozen times, even though I tried to buy it for him in return, he always refused.
I feel like he was courting me in some way, that I’m not imagining he was trying to show his interest. But, I digress… I will make my presence spars / non existent. And when we both get back on site, if he invites me for lunch, I guess I’ll make up an excuse why I can’t come… :/Newbie
I totally understand how you would come to that conclusion. Sometimes its really hard to see the difference. But i would say the fact he never was dating you like he wanted you as his gf and the fact that in the end you started to chase him are at least a few signs he wasnt in. Plus he said it. I think he was honest in that he likes you but doesnt want a relationship. Thats something you have to respect. You might want to read why men love b*tches. Its just a fine reminder to keep living your life and not be a gf to a guy that isnt a bf. Let guys do the work. Take care:-)
Liz Lemon
I understand you really want for this guy to have a romantic interest in you. So you’re looking at all the little things he’s done through a “boyfriend” lens. But the main thing you should be paying attention to is what he’s telling you. He told you point blank he was not interested in a romantic relationship.
I don’t blame you for being confused. But like Newbie said, he has been honest with you, & you have to respect that.
You said you won’t be back at work until after new year, right? That’s two weeks without seeing each other. A guy with a romantic interest in you would be talking to you & trying to see you over these two weeks. But I assume he is not? When you get back to work you can just tell him you appreciate his honesty but need to take some distance. You don’t have to make up an excuse,I think it’s ok to be honest with him as he was with you.
CrushingQueen
Very true Liz. I’ve been putting too much weight on his actions, and nonverbal cues, than his words. And I do respect him and his choice, I told him so the last night we were together.
I guess it still burns, and I’ve had trouble not thinking about the little things. But, as everyone said, big picture, he’s not comfortable dating me. So I guess I will continue to be available for other prospects, and be humble and happy for what I do have.
Thank you all for your kind advice. Sometimes it takes an outside opinion to help look within.
Happy Holidays all. -
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