Communication

Hello. I think I am mostly posting for my own benefit, to clear my mind and vent a little. I would like to hear different perspectives as well.

I dated a man for four months and we were official for two months. He abruptly ended it on Friday. He said it was because of irreconcilable incompatibilities, but then what he listed (and I have no reason to think he is not being honest) does not sound like anything insurmountable.

So listen. I disagree on a philosophical fundamental level about it. I know that sounds silly for a ‘break up’ – I agree – and so I certainly didn’t say it to him. People can break up for any reason and don’t need permission from the break up-ee.

He said that the way we talk to each other is the issue. Our communication. He thinks we should be more relaxed with each other by now, and be able to draw each other out (we are both introverts.)

He said it felt like we fell into a rut. I think it was mostly COVID related, but also he never said anything to me about wanting to do anything other than what we were doing (hanging out at his place on the weekend, mostly.) I thought I was meeting his needs (to stay in, which he actually specifically requested at the beginning of the relationship.)

I enjoyed myself and I enjoyed his company. We did do a few little date things (saw a play on Halloween, went for walks, travelled a couple of times out of town, etc.) but again, with COVID, we mostly stayed in, and it’s getting colder outside so a lot of outdoor things are out.

All of that is to say he blamed our introversion and said we were incompatible because we didn’t open each other up. I didn’t know he was even unhappy. And honestly I think all we needed to do was talk about it.

I know we could have practiced better communication, and I would have had I known it was bothering him. I know I get nervous and I’m not someone who so easily feels relaxed with someone I am getting to know and I don’t think we were at a point where we ‘should’ have been anything. Even with extroverts: they might get me outside and doing something, but I’m still going to be quiet until I really trust you. I think communication is a skill that can be improved upon with two people. Honestly, it just takes mindfully talking about it. I think there is little difference between finding someone with whom you can instantly open up but has other little things you have to work on vs working on communication with someone you are compatible with otherwise. He did note otherwise everything was fine between us. It just seems like a weird reason to me if we had no conflicts otherwise. I’m mostly hurt he didn’t talk about it with me first. He just…came over and ended things.

This is the first time being ‘dumped’ so that sucks, too. I’ve only had two other relationships (both more serious & longer) and the first was mutual, and the second was me ending a draaawn out toxic relationship. So this hurts a little more than it might for most people, being only a two month relationship. I really had hopes for this and really saw us being together for longer than two months. Last month he asked to meet my parents and brought my mom flowers!

What do you think? Were there more reasons he wasn’t telling me? He met someone else? Am I just dumb and boring? (Right now that’s where my mind keeps landing.)

After the break up we talked a bit more. I felt sick, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. So the next day we talked about it (I cried all over him, embarrassing, but it was a dignified ‘ugh this sucks, but I am a human with feelings’ crying, not a needy begging ‘why don’t you love me, take me back’ crying) and the day after that we spent a day/evening together. We had a great time, talked easily, had no problems, we’re flirty, laughing, joking, amazing sex, and of course I’m thinking “what is your deal? what are you on about?” because this isn’t new behavior for us. Anyway, I feel better after that day together. My stomach is fine and I can eat today. I am in an indefinite no contact period with him now, my idea.

Advice for feeling better? And I hate being dumped – the worst. I mean that’s what this is. Dumped. Like he came over and just was like “Pack your knives and leave.” I was tossed to the curb. Taken out like garbage. I was trash fish, the ones you throw back. Hooray for new experience!!