Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Compatibility vs. Chemistry
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 2 years, 2 months ago by
Maddie.
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JESS
Hi all…
I’ve been seeing this guy online and went on 4 dates. At first we hit it off on the first date. He’s an archaeologist and he’s quite intelligent…he doesn’t want any time wasters on line and wants a relationship…good start. I’m interested in archaeology and history too which we talked about on the 2nd dates but the chemistry isn’t there. He opens doors for me and paid for the 2 dates we had together. He seems like a gentlemen.
He’s such a nice guy but he doesn’t make me laugh…I have a great sense of humour and quite bubbly myself but he’s not quite like me and I’d like him to be bubbly and funny…this is important for me…at the moment I see him as a friend and brother…shall I give him another date and give him a chance maybe my feelings will change for him?
I think we’d get on as friends which is fine as I like to get to know a guy as a friend first…that’s how I met my ex…we were friends first for 6 months and we started making out but don’t know if I should treat him the same way.
The compatibility is there but I’m not comfortable with PDA yet…he hasn’t shown me any yet after 4 dates it’s cos I think he thinks I don’t know how I feel about him yet…it’s nice for him to wait for me though rather than going for PDA straight away like other guys online…
Should I give him another chance and see if this plans out…of course I’m dating other guys too
And no I don’t date douchebags like some women…I want a nice confident man and can make me laugh. And he just doesn’t make me laugh, even though he’s nice and confident and knows what he wants.
Thank you
Ewa
if this is the most important thing for you then no he isn’t for you.
You also need to realise that not everyone is funny and bubbly , but if this is a big deal for you then thank him for his time.
Another thing , some people are not comfortable around new people, he might open up to you and shows you his funny side but it might take some time.JESS
Hi yes,
I haven’t decided whether to give him a chance.
Liz Lemon
My opinion is that, by 4 dates in, you generally have a good sense of whether you’re attracted to the guy. Yes, I know there are instances where you’re friends with a guy for 6 months and then hook up; but most of the time, you know whether you have a romantic/sexual attraction to someone (beyond friendship) fairly soon. I don’t mean you have to jump into bed with the guy, but you should at least be attracted, want to kiss him, etc. So I think if you don’t feel attraction for him now, it’s unlikely to kick in later.
And anyway you said he’s missing an important component of attraction for you, which is making you laugh and being funny. His personality is not going to change. So if that’s a dealbreaker for you, you should just accept it and move on.
He sounds like a nice, interesting guy. The fair thing to do is let him date (and spend his time/money on) women who DO find him attractive.
Liz Lemon
Wait I’m confused. First you said you went on 4 dates, then you said he “paid for the 2 dates we went on together”. How many times have you seen this guy?
JESS
@liz lemon,
he paid for the first 2 dates and we paid half half on the last 2 dates.
Liz Lemon
Ah, got it! So you have been on 4 in-person dates. I stand by what I said earlier in that case. I suspect you two just aren’t a match, if you don’t feel even a hint of romantic attraction to him after 4 dates.
Tammy
I think u shld let him know. That you would like to continue to meet him but as frnds only.
AngieBaby
If you have to ask… the answer is no, he’s not for you and the best thing to do is be honest with him about it and let him go so you can both find people who are a better match.
Maddie
While compatibility is so important, having no romantic attraction or chemistry doesn’t work. Otherwise it is just a friendship. You’ve identified a very specific thing missing and didn’t just say, I’m not feeling it and I don’t know why. So, you do know what you’re looking for in a relationship and unfortunately it’s just not there this time. Agree with the other posters that you can’t expect him to change his personality. Sure, he may be nervous still, but if there’s no hint yet that his sense of humor is compatible with yours after 4 dates, I wouldn’t expect that to improve much. If there’s a bit of chemistry I think it can grow, but expecting it to grow from actually none isn’t fair to either of you.
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