Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Competetive Empowerment in my Relationship
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Eric Charles.
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Beth
Hello,
I’m currently in an exciting, growing relationship of mutually respected roles and communication but am having trouble with the competitive side of my guy. He’s very outfront, direct and extrememly skilled with comebacks, arguments, that sort of thing. With me, he tones down that side of him, but will continue to overpower me nearly every time that we pretend-argue/discuss about any type of subject big or small.Do you have any tips to offer that could help me defend myself and my beliefs against him while still allowing him his masculinity and feel of satisfaction. Also, I will note that I don’t expect to always have a comeback for everytime we tease one another.
Sensy
Let’s focus on you. How does the matter of which you are communicating about makes you feel?
Happy
I have been with a man like this. You can’t win.
I’m very bright and can hold my own, but when you are with someone who always has to be right? You have two choices. Back off and let it go or hold your own but realize he will likely have to have th last word and you will likely end up feeling unheard and as if your opinion doesn’t matter.
This is who he is. And I would consider it a red flag unless you can relax your points of view and not have the need to also be right.
I avoid these type of men. And women when possible. It shows lack of sophistication in communication and more importantly people skills. Being right or deflating other people’s beliefs works miserably in personal and business relationships.
Maria
This would be a red flag for me too. I appreciate strong men, even dominant in some ways, but there is gotta me intelligence to them, and an intelligent person will not want to ALWAYS have the last word and always be right, they would understand that there is gotta be a give and take in everything.
In the future the arguments will be about things that are less important and it will get on your nerves and you will begin to accumulate resentment..not a good thing at all.
If you are not too far in with him, I’d seriously consider ending it now. It is a BIG issue, relationship always require negotiations, pretty much on a daily basis, about various things, from chores to life values..how are you going to deal with a guy like that? would you want to deal with all this?
alia
In my experience this type of person is generally very insecure. Insecurity often has a way to present itself in very undesirable ways. It’s good he is trying to tone it down around you, so he has some awareness of this behavior. It can be very unpleasant to be around this type of people. I really don’t have any other advice than continue doing what you are already doing and speak up for yourself all the time. It will cause you anxiety to have to prove yourself all the time, so make sure if this really is a person you want to be around long term as it can be exhausting.
Lane
Hi Beth.
Sometimes its best to DIFFUSE IT by taking a time out like “oh, I forgot to put the clothes in the dryer” or re-directing it to something else, such as “how about them ______ (favorite sports team)” I suggest you learn the “art of negotiation” and how to properly debate someone—have an arsenal ready :-)
Hannah
I’m assuming you’re talking about debating, rather than dealing with issues in your relationship?
I have a very opinionated husband who loves to debate. But debate is about you both discussing and issue, listening to each other’s opinions and deciding individually where you stand. A lot of ours get heated and we do fall out! But it’s not about winning and someone being right and the other wrong. Everyone has an opinion. If this guy has to win, that’s not good. But if it’s you conceding, that’s different.
Forget about all this empowerment rubbish. Your opinion is your opinion and you’re entitled to it. If you know where you stand on an issue, you’ve listened to all the alternative arguments but that’s still how you feel., don’t back down. I say “well I stand by my opinion” or “I don’t think we’re going to agree on this”, etc. It’s not confrontational but draws a line under the conversation. And my husband REALLY respects me for having this attitude! He likes a challenge and to have met his mental match.
Happy
The problem I see, is that if you ended up engaged or married, is this what you want? A man who won’t talk out and negotiate where you live, what type of home, how many kids, etc?
This isn’t about walking away from an issue you agree to disagree on or deflect. It boils down to mutual respect and ability to make decisions together, and debate without conflict or hurt feelings.
Eric CharlesKeymasterArgument is a favorite activity of the ego…
When two egos show up to argue, they tear the relationship to shreds in the process.
This is because an ego is concerned about being “right” and the relationship becomes and obstacle that can stand in the way of showing them how “right” you are and how “wrong” they are.
Structurally and strategically, arguing is not a healthy thing to normalize in a relationship.
Yes, being able to get your points across is important in relationships, but as they say, “Choose your battles wisely.”
On A New Mode, I give my opinion and, at times, step in to defend it.
In my normal life and relationships, I do my best not to argue… there are better ways to relate to people AND to get what you want.
One of the most skilled business owners that I know has a habit of just saying, “Yes, yes”, smiling and nodding… at first I thought he might have been a bit of an idiot (no offence to him), but I later realized this was a brilliant strategy…
He would just nod and smile and say “Yes, yes” in a dreamy, disconnected voice and then just go on doing whatever he was going to do anyway. Instead of going to war, he would just drift inward into dreamland and give the other person nothing to fight against.
That’s not exactly a recommendation, but I wanted to share that story of someone who manages to be very effective without ever arguing or feeding into negativity.
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