Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Complicated parenting style
- This topic has 24 replies and was last updated 2 years, 1 month ago by
Liz Lemon.
-
AuthorPosts
-
Aaliyah
My fiancé and I’ve been engaged for a year now. I have a friendship with his daughter (10 years old) and have tried to leave the parenting between he and his ex-wife. I’m more of a respected adult figure and there to support my fiancé not actually parent. Just a few days ago, my soon to be step daughter asked me to come with her and a few friends to play. I walked with her in the direction she was going through the new development we live in. She and the two friends she was with were trying to get into the locked model home. I told them to stop when I turned around, she had climbed over the deck on the back of the model home and got into the house. I texted my fiancé to come stop her.
He said nothing I did was my fault she was wrong. Now a few days later I feel he’s been standoffish toward me. Any suggestions moving forward?
Raven
This is not about you…
It’s about him & his daughter.
Maybe he needs time to process ?Are you two living together?
Aaliyah
No, thank goodness for now. I really feel he breaks a lot of boundaries when it comes to his daughter. It’s a lot. He told me he put her on punishment for the rest of the week then Friday mentioned he let her play outside for a bit. I know it’s not really about me but III I’m put in a situation like this again it’s a problem. Am I wrong for feeling since this is his relationship with her it’s definitely best I don’t do anything with her unless my fiancé is in eyeshot to see everything happening. That would mean I don’t feel comfortable being left alone with my step daughter.
Ewa
She is not your step daughter? You’re not married yet …
Please don’t try and be a second mother for her . He is her dad so you just have to accept his parenting style.Aaliyah
Ewa: I myself made it clear early on in the relationship when my fiancé said, “I have just as much say in raising her as he and the ex-wife”. I told him I don’t agree. He also made the comment that it takes a village to raise children and said to him when it comes to kids, he feels he’s everyone’s dad. I’m not trying to be a second mother to her. I even stated that in my original post. I was just venting regarding the parenting style. However, it does cross over into a marriage when it comes to the rules in our home. For instance, there has to be respect and boundaries.
One: I was just saying I really just need to not be around her solo because I don’t know what situation I may be put in. I’m not trying to change his parenting style, I never comment on him as a parent. I just feel I need to remove myself out of certain situations.
Aaliyah
Or at least I thought the way I handled the situation made it clear I’m not trying to be a second mother. I think she tested me and took my kindness as a weakness because she knows I’m not trying to disciplinary figure. As a result, I have to conduct myself differently.
Liz Lemon
She’s only 10 and trying to break into homes? It sounds like there are a lot of issues here…how is she in school? Is she generally a well behaved child or are there problems? If this is a pattern, then it’s an issue with how her parents are raising her. It’ not your responsibility to clean up their mess if they’re too lax as parents.
I assume you don’t have kids? My bf has a 10 year old and I do babysit him. I am an authority figure. Being an authority figure doesn’t mean you’re her mother. Aunts, cousins can be authority figures too, right? Think of yourself more like an aunt. I don’t consider myself to be replacing my bf’s son’s mother, but I absolutely consider myself an authority figure and conduct myself as such. And my bf’s son respects that.
However I’m a mom so it comes easily to me. If you don’t have kids, or are uncomfortable with kids, I think it would be harder.
If you’re going to be this girl’s stepmother, you have to be an authority figure and be comfortable being alone with her. Kids are very good at playing adults off each other. You have to make ot clear to her that you and your bf are on the same page and that you won’t take any crap. My bf’s son who’s the same age would not try anything with me that he wouldn’t do with his dad because he knows I won’t put up with it.
So yes, you do have to conduct yourself differently. But your boyfriend and his ex have the responsibility of parenting her! He can’t expect you to have equal responsibility.
Aaliyah
She’s actually 9 still and won’t be 10 until next month.
Aaliyah
Also, from what I hear my fiancé says she’s good in school.
Aaliyah
I wouldn’t say there’s a pattern that I’m aware of with her breaking into homes. However, he and the ex-wife are extremely lax.
She talks back and hasn’t learned to stop. I do see that as a pattern. My fiancé has watched and listened while I was around to her talking to other little kids mean. He laughed at some of the stuff she was saying and it got to the point I had to pull him aside and say something. “You need to stop her from doing that, she’s going to be a real bully…if she doesn’t like so and so maybe she should stop playing with her. That’s not nice the way she is treating the little girl”. He agreed and stopped her that time.
Aaliyah
Her bullying I’m sure is a pattern and she can be sassy.
Amanda
As a mum of three daughters. Parenthood is difficult. Kids are difficult. Step kids are difficult. That being said I don’t think this is a big deal. The kid messed up and was disobedient and her dad isn’t blaming you. Thing is you sound like you only want to be a fairweather step mom
And want to step
Out so to speak when it gets
A
Bit
Much. To me
That isn’t going to work
It should be all in or all out imo. I think what you need to do is have a good long talk with your fiancé about the style in which he
Wishes to raise
His
Child and where you come in. The 3 of
You should sit down too. You all have to be on the same page. The daughter should know that you are a permanent fixture and should
Be treated accordingly. But also you have to support your fiancé and if you believe he’s not doing things right by his kid you should definitely be saying what you think. Good luck. Kids are great when they’re great. But it’s never easy.Liz Lemon
9/10 years old is young for talking back, being sassy, bullying, and behavioral issues, in my opinion. She’s not a teenager yet. What will he do when she is? She’ll only get worse. I’m not saying kids that age are never bratty, of course. But this sounds worse than normal.
Having said that, it sounds like this is being caused by the way she’s parented. Her dad laughed when she was bullying younger kids, and only intervened when you told him to? That speaks volumes.
How old was she when her parents split? Could her behavior be related to that? I’m wondering if it was recent.
Aaliyah
Amanda: Thanks for your advice. It’s sounds, reasonable. Also, like with any situation I guess it really depends who you talk to because I told my cousin whom her and her husband have four kids and they think it’s definitely a problem. I’ll play with her mainly because I do like her and also in the beginning my fiancé is concerned about me liking her. I do and want that to be obvious. I don’t want to do any of the parenting because he’s very sensitive to his daughter and close to her. Yes, when things get though I stay out of it. Am I this way with my niece, no. That a different story.
Amanda
Aw I wish you luck. It’s so hard but fun too and just to add. I think 9/10
Is a terrible age for girls
Because
They are getting the mad female period hormones all
Raging in and causing so much nonsense and then it
Can settle down once
They start their period
Again this is just my opinion from
My
Own experiences.Tallapicy
It is not parenting to have your own boundaries with her. Totally ok to tell her things are not ok on your watch, or around you. That is called being an adult. If I saw anyones child breaking in or being sassy, I would talk to them about it as one person to another.
Liz Lemon
Do you plan to have children with your fiance? You’ll need to be on the same page about parenting, if so. You can’t expect to be an authority figure to your own kids but not to her.
If you marry this man you will form a family and his daughter is part of that family. So you can’t just wash your hands of disciplining her.
Liz Lemon
100% agree with Tallspicy. Having boundaries and expectations of her does not mean you’re taking over as a parent. It means you’re a responsible adult.
Raven
Reading back through this thread…
Your marriage will not work unless you two are on the same page regarding his daughter…
Aaliyah
Raven: Thanks. What if my fiancé and I marry and never have children together. Would that make the outcome of your view different?
Aaliyah
He and the ex-wife seem to be on the same page regarding the daughter and their marriage did not work. I suppose a lot of variables, factors are involved in a marriage working of course.
Maddie
I think Raven is right if things continue this way. Same page means agreeing on the role you have in his daughter’s life, it doesn’t need to mean exactly how to parent her. It does mean you both are aligned and have consistent boundaries around how your relationship with his daughter will be. Currently, you both haven’t quite agreed on that yet. It also sounds like both he and his ex are too lax with her (likely leading to her sass and acting out, because she has not learned good boundaries), which also implies your fiance and ex may each have boundary struggles with other people in general? Two spouses without healthy boundaries is a good reason a marriage may fail, even if they approach parenting on the same page. I also agree that when you’re married and living together that you can’t always put her aside while waiting for him, because when she’s struggling there will simply be times that any responsible adult is going to speak up and try to offer help and support. Plus, if she doesn’t see you as an authority figure with at least a little ability to discipline and she’s already prone to acting out, she’s going to take advantage of that and may even pit you and her father against each other and cause problems that way.
You can figure out how to be a responsible adult, as others said, without trying to step into the role of actual mom. But it will be good to fully work through that before getting married, because this won’t get better without some important conversations with your fiance and follow through so you can find a family dynamic that works for you. That’s going to be true whether you and your fiance have more kids together or not.
Ewa
not sure if you mentioned it or not, does she live with him all the time or with her mum?
My neighbours are divorced and the daughter (13) was living with her dad and his new partner but even though this girl seemed nice , she was a nightmare to her step-mother, to the point where she started stealing from her and she didn’t feel like being with her in the same house , so her dad sent her back to live with her mum. It is not always easy and you might be prepared that if you do get married, she might , when you tell her off, tell you that you are not her mother and she won’t be listening to you.
And from what you are saying her father won’t do much about it because he is too relaxed.Aaliyah
He has the daughter every other week. He and the ex split time evenly.
Liz Lemon
I agree with the point that you’re setting things up for a contentious relationship when she’s a teenager. I said something similar earlier in the thread. If she doesn’t see you as an authority figure deserving of respect at age 9, how do you think she’ll be as a teenager? You’re setting the stage for a nightmare stepmother/stepdaughter situation. You’ll be marrying this guy and his daughter is party of the package. You will be a family. It’s imperative that you and her father are on the same page about how she is being raised, AND that she sees you as an adult she should listen to, someone worthy of respect.
-
AuthorPosts
