Complicated Situation — Let Go Completely?


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  • #787959 Reply
    K

    So I was dating this guy for around 4 months. At the start, everything was really great, easygoing, and fun. Things between us were only semi-serious. We were only seeing/talking to each other, but we weren’t officially boyfriend/girlfriend. I also must note he has dealt with depression for a really long time and was very open about it from the beginning. He has received help in the past, but no longer sees a therapist as he lacks the money.

    Things started to get kind of complicated in his life. A series of events lead to him losing his job, having no car, and having to move in with his best friend and his best friend’s girlfriend (who is my best friend).

    About a week ago, we discussed where things between us were heading. He admitted to me that he just doesn’t feel like he can be in a relationship with me right now because of everything going on in his life. He also admitted he has felt very depressed for the past month or so which is why he had been kind of distant lately. He said he still has strong feelings for me, but until he gets his life together he doesn’t feel like he has anything to offer me. He said he can’t give me what I deserve right now and he feels bad. And he also knows I want a relationship right now, and it isn’t fair to keep me there when he’s not mentally ready because of his depression and stress with everything that has recently happened as well as what it all means for his future. But that he would really like to try again when he feels he’s gotten his life more together. He seemed really genuine during the entire discussion. And given his situation, I do believe his reasons were legitimate and that in an odd way he was being thoughtful in ending things.

    I didn’t want to fight him on the matter or make him feel guilty about his decision. I just kind of let it happen. Which is honestly the best choice for the both of us because things between us were starting to become a little too complicated. I told him I was sorry about his depression and that I wished things could’ve worked differently between us but I agreed that if things are ever going to work with us, it can’t be right now because he was right I wanted more. We both expressed some disappointment about how things played out but left things on good terms.

    Since we are now in the same group of friends and he now lives with my best friend, I have had to see/talk to him since all of this has happened. Both times we’ve both been friendly and casual. But deep down it kind of hurts to see him. He seems just fine though. We’ve stopped contacting each other. I have unfollowed (not blocked or unfriended) him on all social media for now just because it’s easier for myself because he’s very active on social media.

    I know there’s nothing I can do but see how things play out. It just hurts because I really wanted things to work out. It honestly kind of hurts more than I thought it would. I do appreciate that he was so open and honest with me though. I do think there could be something in the future, but I’m trying not to focus on that because I don’t want to be waiting around or relying on that to get me through this. I’ve done really well at focusing on myself the past week or so, but at least once or twice a day I’ll catch my mind wandering and I’m thinking about the situation again. I feel like completely letting go is my best bet right now, but is that the right choice? This guy hasn’t really done me wrong in any way. But given the fact that we can’t be together right now, I feel like my only choice is to completely let go.

    Any other advice, tips, words of encouragement?

    #787960 Reply
    K

    I feel like I should also add, I thought about fighting to keep this guy in my life. I did let him know his depression and situation wasn’t a dealbreaker for me. But that knowing he can’t handle more with me right now, it would be selfish of me to hang on and keep wanting more when he’s got so many other things to worry about. And I know if we kept talking like we were, I would continue to want more because I liked him so much. I just wanted to be thoughtful toward him too and not make things any more difficult than they had to be. But part of me still questions my reactions and wonders if I should’ve tried to fight for things, be willing to be there without demanding a relationship, etc.

    #787968 Reply
    Tallspicy

    Where do you live? Is this seriously what you are thinking about? I hope it is because you have extra thinking time at home.

    The guy is homeless, jobless and depressed. Let him sort himself out…not about you.

    #787985 Reply
    Raven

    If you want something to fix, try furniture repair…

    #787991 Reply
    Newbie

    If its our original biology to pick the strongest, the most virile, the provider then you really strayed far from the pack lol.
    This guy is right, he is not good dating material. They say if you are having issues regarding home/house, health or money they all can cause severe stress. He has them all. He needs friends not a romantic relationship

    #787994 Reply
    Khadija

    He needs to get his life together plain and simple.
    Given what’s going on right now he’s probably in survival mode and surely not worried about dating.

    I chalk this one up as a loss and move on. Right now focus on yourself and find other things to do.

    Often times dating is about timing and this is not the right time. Please don’t wait around for him either.

    Things just didn’t work out, it happens.

    #787998 Reply
    K

    Hey K – I’ve been on this site posting as K for a while. Could you choose another designation so we don’t get confused with each other.

    This guy has a chronic depression problem. Not a good candidate for a relationship. Trust me, you don’t want this guy unless he gets better and it sounds like that’s going to take a lot of time, if ever. Some people never get better, sadly. Men need to feel like winners to feel like they have something to offer. You aren’t equals lifting each other up. That’s what you want. It’s human nature to want what you can’t have. Just keep moving on with your life and this guy will fade out.

    #788010 Reply
    redcurleysue

    Give him space to figure his life out.

    #788012 Reply
    Ss

    I’m in a similar situation although i don’t have to see or speak to the guy.

    The way i dealt with it was like you. I took what he said at face value. I left it friendly so if his situation changed he could feel like he could get in touch but also was clear that I’m not waiting around. Its hard because I’m a natural fixer – which is unhealthy, which is why i am pleased i recognised that with the guy i liked i was drifting into fixer mode and i stopped. You have to stop and just focus on you. Im not actively dating atm and haven’t been for a few months but that’s not because of him its because i want to break my pattern of getting with emotionally unavailable men.

    I think of him most days but i just switch off and do another task or i write him a message about my thoughts but never ever send it. Writing a message helps get things out my head and i can just park him for a bit and remind myself if he was for me then it will work out and i just need to carry on with my life as usual because I’m working on me and that is far more important than a man that is in no shape to give me the relationship i want and need.

    It gets easier honestly x

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