conditioned? – advice on dating someone with kids

How old are you? What are your goals regarding marriage and children for yourself?

From the story you told about the first guy, you hung around someone who you hardly saw and didn’t treat you well early on and that carried on for six months. That’s not really secure attachment style. Also, you say you required exclusivity from the start. As in not seeing anyone else and not having sex with anyone else while you decided if you wanted to become official BF/GF?

Now you’re on to someone who is only one year out of a 20 year marriage and has children (how many? ages? that’s relevant info). And you’re the first one he’s dating since the divorce was final. And you’ve already decided he’s high quality after only 6 weeks.

Looks to me as if you are going for unavailable men.

What are your standards exactly?? I think you’re looking at superficial things and wanting to get involved immediately without taking the time to get to know him and observe if he meets your standards or not.

As for how to date men with children – the very first thing you need to be clear on is if it’s something you want to take on or not and if you want children of your own. A man with children, especially if they are under 12, has to prioritize being a father and that means you are not always going to come first. Also, you should find out up front is everything settled and finalized in this divorce or are there still open issues or legal proceedings. At some point, if you keep seeing him, as it was a long marriage you’ll want to know what his financial obligations are to his ex and children and for how long, because that will impact your future with him. And you’ll want to find out how they are handling the divorce.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to be the first woman a man out of that long of a marriage dated. Honestly, your chances of it working out with him for the long term aren’t high. He’s used to being with a woman so he will enjoy having you around, but whether or not he’s going to commit to the first woman he gets involved with after being with another one for so long… not good odds. You’re at high risk of having fun with him for a while and as things start to naturally progress or get serious, you may suddenly hear “I like you but I need some time on my own” “I”m not ready to commit” “I need a chance to date other women” and that sort of thing and then he’ll pull way back or disappear. It’s great that he’s in therapy, but not a guarantee he’s over his marriage at all.

The kids thing is tricky. You should date him for a while, like I”d say at least 6 months, before you meet them. Once you meet them, they will either not like that their dad is dating again and cause problems or you will like them and they will like you and then you’ll start to get attached. If it doesn’t work out, it will be extra painful to lose them as well as him.

Bottom line: take your time with this guy. He may very well not be what you think he is. Everyone’s nice because they’re on their good behavior for the first 90 days.

Thanks for your answer.
Exclusivity to me means I only sleep with one man. I still keep going on dates and meeting guys until we both decide we want to be bf/gf. With the unavailable guy, I kept going on dates for as long as we were “seeing” each other. I didn’t want to leave him without giving him a chance to settle down and his new life as he has just moved in back into town and everything was new to him. He was a great caring friend for many years. I was just not aware that dating someone could change someone so much. I thought was temporary. He said those things the first couple months, then we barely talked, so I was essentially not being treated in any way.

Divorced guy has two kids 6 and 10. I do know the risks of being the first person he dates and I am being careful in opening up. I have not yet having any conversations about financials and stuff, because I am still unsure if he is what I want. I have never dated anyone with kids and I am still unsure how I feel about that, because it comes with a huge change in life if things progress. I am very sure I want to keep spending time with him and getting to know him. When the time to decide if we want to have a serious relationship comes, I’ll see how I feel.
I am 41 and I have no kids. It’s never being a priority for me, because i never felt i had the life situation adequate to have then. I became financially stable 5 years ago or so, at 36, and I had a long term relationship where he didn’t want kids and I was fine with that.
I like kids tho, someone else’s… I am not scared of him having kids and I don’t know if he wants more, again, it’s too soon and I am just enjoying getting to know him.

Also, my boyfriend of 7 years, who I broke with, had just being dumped by his 3 years gf when we met. I am not going to say no to see where things go just because he has been single only one year. I actually think it’s good he took a full year to work on himself.

On your question is about whether you should initiate, I think after 6 weeks of dating its OK to initiate at times since he’s consistently showing interest. You don’t have to overthink it just because he has kids. There may be times you ask him to get together and he’s not available because of his kids– that’s ok. It’s not pressuring him to ask. My bf and I both have kids (my child is a college student though, and my bf’s kid is in 3rd grade– having an older kid isn’t a barrier to dating early on, but a younger one is).

Aside from that, I think AngieBaby had really good points about dating a recently divorced man (1 year ago is still recent, especially after a 20 year marriage). I understand it’s not what you were asking, but it’s good to keep in mind, I think.

Since this guy’s kids are so young i personally wouldn’t suggest meeting them unless the relationship gets serious. I’d wait a year, personally. Young kids can get really attached and you want to be sure the relationship is stable and long term. So in the meantime just date around his parenting responsibilities and recognize that sometimes the kids will come first.

It’s fine to text him to say hi if he’s got his kids. Of course, he may not respond right away or text much, but it’s fine to check in. A text shouldn’t be overwhelming to a grown main, assuming you keep it light. This is just my perspective.

When I first started dating my bf, on weekends when he had his child, I was respectful of his time but we’d still text some. At times I would initiate, at times he would. Like I said earlier, you don’t have to overthink it. Sending a text shouldn’t be seen as intrusive or overwhelming after 6 weeks of dating.

This is tough because every family is different. I don’t see a secure attachment coming from you as you appear to want to jump into the frying pan, head first, instead of taking some time to carefully listen, watch, and observe the man to see if he’s really who he shows he is. This takes time, a good few months as anyone can be on “good behavior” the first two – three months, its the time after that you need to see in order to get a true realistic picture of a person.

I have employees who appear to be great, at the onset, and then their true sides start to reveal themselves and its not good.

Slow down, chill, let if flow the way its suppose to flow. There is no harm checking in here and there. a couple times a week, as it does let the man know your interested but keep it light, such as “hope your day isn’t too hectic :o)” so you aren’t seen as a nuisance.

Agree with others, in that dating a newly divorced man with young children to boot is not going to be easy, and this probably won’t last long, so I wouldn’t be asking for anything from him. Sure, there are those RARE instances when someone jumps from one relationship to another and it works out but after 20 year marriage, that’s a whole different ball of wax and it will most likely take him YEARS, four or more, before he’s even in the mindset of committing to someone again. They say for every 5 years it takes 1 year to recover—its true, at least it was for me!

Good luck because this guy is just dipping his toe into the dating pool and will most likely pull it out, put dating on the backburner for awhile, then try it again, and again for a good period of time (years) until he’s reach the “point of indifference” with the ex. This the point where the heart has mended/healed enough to at least allow another lady in the space the ex has held for over half his life—it IS NOT an easy process but a long journey.

Yeah, let’s not forget it’s way, way early here. Six weeks in is nothing! It’s the honeymoon period, sure, but honestly things don’t start to get serious/real until at least 3 months in. So see where things stand in a couple months.

This goes for every relationship, not just yours, but yours does have the added complications that we’ve all pointed out.

I honestly think erring on the side of caution & waiting a year to meet the kids is better, especially in this situation. You’ll just have to work it out and date during the week when he has his kids on weekends. My bf and I wanted a year to meet each others’ kids– my son had met guys I’d dated before (since he was older, late teens), but my bf’s son was young and had never met anyone he had dated before– my bf was really cautious & really clear he would not introduce a woman to his kid unless he was serious about her. I respected that. You can make it work– my bf would often make a point of taking me out Sunday nights after he’d dropped his child off with his mom– he’d come straight from the drop-off to pick me up & take me out.

That’s all the more reason you can’t be afraid to text him when he’s got his kids– if you’re going to date long term, you can’t just go dark for days when he’s got his children.

I had a friend who is in a relationship with a man who I am pretty sure when they started dating wasn’t even divorced yet. He was also married for 20 years and I think him and my friend bought a house together about 2 years ago, so it is possible to have a relationship with someone who is recently out of a long marriage. But I do agree that in most cases it is a rebound and even if it turns into something serious it most likely won’t last long.

Dating someone with kids isn’t for everyone, especially with someone who has 2. You can’t be spontaneous, he will always be in touch with his ex wife or at least until the kids are 18.
I don’t understand why he isn’t in touch with you when he is with his kids , I would think he would have even more to talk about as he is certainly doing some exciting things with the kids.

thing is, men don’t really text to have a chit chat with someone, ok they will do a lot of it at the beginning and I know a lot of men who can text all day about nothing with the person they like or even with male friends , but some guys are not like that at all.
He knows when he says hello he will have to carry on with the conversation somehow and from my experience I don’t think men understand that a little have a nice day goes a long way.
I was a bit like that with my bf , when he was busy studying he didn’t message me all day and it made me think surely he could’ve just wished me a nice day but I think men are not wired the same way. some aren’t anyway.

I feel like even though you say you are ok with not hearing from him, it does bother you a little bit. All I can say , because it happened to me too, it will get annoying after a while and you will either have to accept this is his communication style or move on to someone else.

I was in the same situation and I was still focusing on his texting and yes it still bothered me sometimes . With anxious attachment your brain will look for things that are not that perfect and ignore the things that are, like him making an effort to see you.

I have done multiple times the test about attachment style and I am secure. You make the test based on your relationships, not the guys you are just getting to know.
I was told by a therapist friend that what I have is anxiety with relationship uncertainty. Once I am in a relationship, I do not doubt, not I am jealous, I don’t overthink, I don’t need constant contact. I fact I tend to get overwhelmed if they do.
But anyway, I do agree I am a bit anxious now, which in the end means we are all right in this assumption

I don’t understand how can you be insecure / anxious at the beginning before it turns into a relationship? And then be secure ?
The moment before it turns into relationship, you should be feeling the most secure because you are single and you have nothing to lose really. If you are anxious before it means you’re not really confident and you don’t believe that someone could commit to you . You can’t go from anxious to secure just because someone decided to commit. It simply doesn’t work like that. Your partner can help you with having a secure Attachment but it takes time and it doesn’t happen overnight .

I used to be extremely secure however due to some really bad dating experiences I’ve had I am now anxious but I don’t show it to my partner and everyday I try to work on my Attachment style to get back to where I used to be .

No one is saying you having anxious Attachment is a bad thing but I think it is important to be realistic.

I think the best thing to do is sit back and enjoy instead of worrying if he likes you 🙂
Texting is not that important is the quality of time you spend together. Men bond while spending time with someone not through texting. If he wants to see you , takes you out on proper dates then you have nothing to worry about.
Give him another month or 2 and then make a decision if he is the man for you .