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- This topic has 2 replies and was last updated 3 years, 8 months ago by
Maddie.
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Lucy
Long story short, I fell for my guy friend but he’s always giving me mixed signals. The recent one is where he called me yesterday morning, I was busy, couldnt pick up. a couple hours later he sends me an email saying ” I tried calling you, assume your busy today”, I replied back that I was and told him Id be around this afternoon. He said well im about to go run around.. I took that as ok, so you’ll be busy this afternoon, and said alright, have a good day! and then he called me again. He just sat there on the phone, not saying anything. Im confused because I called him out on it and hes like, I’m just thinking, my head is elsewhere.. I asked if there was something I could help with and he said no.. so I’m confused by why he would even bother reaching out to me if he was totally disengaged? We do have a history of going back and forth romantically, so a part of me thinks he wanted to say something or was thinking about me, etc, but then I wonder if I am just being hopeful..
Erin
Hi Lucy
He called you because he’s playing games with you,the one where he blows hot and cold and becomes all ‘enigmatic’ and you’re left wondering what the hell makes him do these things. You’re left trying to play detective in a bid to figure this man out.
Just when you think you have, he hits you with another wrench and you gotta play the FBI again. A lot of your interactions are usually you in detective mode, you don’t really get to enjoy anything, you’re always busy being Sherlock Holmes on this guy all the time.
The romantic back and forth and the no name relationships you’ve had in the past just show that he’s playing games. There would be no back and forth if he wanted a real relationship with you.
Guys who are interested in you will let you know or they will make non confusing moves to consolidate that fact, you don’t have to play guessing games.
Stop engaging him and taper him off, blow him off when he tries to call,so you don’t have to listen to him creepily breathing on the line or saying nothing meaningful.Just say you’re in the middle of something, you gotta go after a few exchanges. Keep the texts short and brief, when he says hey, just say hey. If no follow up conversation happens,that’s it, if he asks how you are just say you’re good and busy and wish him a good day politely.
When he tries to make romantic declarations, shut it down immediately, tell him yes you might have liked him in the past but it’s not that way anymore because you don’t do games and confusion and you’re trying to be with people who say what they mean and mean what they say!
Guess what, he’ll more likely vanish after this, if a player realizes you’re onto him, he gets the hell out of dodge.
This is not to manipulate him or get him to suddenly love you but it’s about getting your sense of agency back. It’s you establishing healthy boundaries which protect you from such people. It’s you refusing to spend your time energy and attention on someone who’s not that into you and plays game.
Also, start seeing other people and be open to dating other guys and forget this one. He had plenty of chances, didn’t use them well.
As the saying goes
“A man has two options in a relationship: Either Stand up and be the man she needs or Sit down, so she can see the man behind you”He ain’t the man you need, so he’s out.
Maddie
“he’s always giving me mixed signals”
Nope nope nope, one of the biggest red flags there are. Drop him if you’re looking for a real relationship with someone. Mixed signal men and women create toxic situationships. Cut it off unless you’re actually into non-committal FWB and game-playing.
I’ve done what you’re doing, wanting to see hope in the inconsistency if I was just a little more patient or communicated a little better myself, and it was a big fat waste of time every time. I wish someone had told me back then this is common and shows red flags about the other person, it’s not a reflection on me not being able to “win them over” or me doing anything wrong *except for sitting around waiting and tolerating/accepting inconsistent crappy behavior because I didn’t believe I deserved better.* But I eventually learned that lesson.
Cut tepid men out of your dating life!
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