Confused

My immediate thought is he has severe intimacy issues. But maybe I should hold that judgment until I know more, especially as this is inexperienced first love and not adult dating

Not to mention I myself used to be the shyest out of all my friends, esp with my first gf. Physical touch was fine but initiating that first kiss might be the hardest thing I’ve ever done with any girl. Even over a decade later

Have you two been alone together? eg. each other’s room? Ever casually asked him his reasons to take things slow?

I don’t think you can call him shy. He is extremely outgoing and popular. When he is with guys he has no problem with contact but I have never seen him touch or have any kind of physical contact with any girl. He talks a lot, jokes around and has his fun but I think he has a problem with touching the opposite gender. But what do I do? Should I just outright ask him why he never holds hands? I don’t want to scare him or rush him because I really like him and I think he really likes me too.

I forgot to add– yes, you should talk to him. Communicate with him. He’s your boyfriend and it’s been 8 months. It’s perfectly okay to say that you would like to have physical intimacy. Hand holding, cuddling, kissing, making out, sex– whatever you want. That’s normal and healthy in a romantic relationship. If he is unable to give that to you, then maybe you should just be friends.

And– when we did have sex, which wasn’t often at all, it was very quick/impersonal. There was practically no foreplay. No kissing or cuddling. He preferred positions where we weren’t face to face (doggy style, reverse cowgirl, etc). Sorry to be so graphic. But yeah, it was a very unsatisfying relationship for me. So I think you should address this issue because if this guy is not able to satisfy you physically, you deserve to move on to someone who can.

Liz, i thought about being gay too. But thats something he will probably wont be ready to tell

I agree Newbie, it’s likely he won’t want to go there (the question of whether he’s gay). My ex never admitted it when we were together, it came out later.

So I wouldn’t recommend asking this guy if he’s gay. But an open, non judgmental conversation (as has already been said) is definitely in order. If you’re a couple then it’s reasonable to want some level of physical intimacy. So letting him know your needs and asking him what he’d be comfortable doing physically seems like the first step here.

Libby, no secure relationship has communication issues like this. When one is in a safe and secure relationship you are not concerned with asking questions or discussing any topic with your SO.

It doesn’t sound like you know where you really stand with this guy and why you don’t feel secure with him. For a man to go eight months without ANY physical contact (touch, hand holding, kiss, hug, closeness etc.) is so far outside of the ordinary, I too thought he was gay based on what you wrote lol. I don’t care how orthodox or religious a man is, they couldn’t stop themselves from having physical touch with a lady they adore, cherish, love or in love with—a man who does not would definitely act like this.

I would definitely get clarity now as being in an insecure or unloving relationship takes a major toll on your self-esteem—no man is ever worth losing that over.

If he is gay and in hiding you will not find any signs of him liking men. But my main question is for you: why do you call this a relationship (i suppose you mean romantic) and are inclined to hang on to it when the dynamic between you two is as romantic as doing homework for school. I dont see it. If youre in university so outthere in stead of clinging onto iceking Joe.

The first thing I thought of, which has already been mentioned, is that he’s gay. I’ve had two gay male friends that I knew before they came out. They were very popular with women and very flirty but not physical. One of them dated a girl who would cry to me because he never wanted to be physically intimate. The second thing I thought was that, if he comes from a super religious family, he may have been taught that intimacy is saved for marriage or that sex is bad. Finally, he could be extremely shy.

Bottom line, you will never know until you ask him. 8 months is a long time to be in a relationship with no physical contact. Are you sure he wants to be more than friends? Does he call you his girlfriend? Because he is not showing that he wants a romantic relationship.

I spoke to him. I don’t know what to feel though. First, he apologized for pulling his hand away when I grabbed it and said that he had been surprised by the action. He also said that he meant no harm by that. Then he continued by saying that he was a little uncomfortable about touching girls since he had never done it before. He said that he wanted to do it but couldn’t do it without breaking into a sweat. He also told me that he was raised by his grandmother (he had mentioned that previously) and that he was taught that all physical stuff were after marriage, so he felt shy doing it otherwise. Then I asked him if there was a reason why he was uncomfortable with girls and he said that he didn’t exactly know why. He told me that he was also worried that I would feel uncomfortable if he touched me because this was my first time too. He told me that he liked me a lot and that he was sorry for making me feel this way. When I asked him about his sexuality, he didn’t seem very fazed. He told me that he was straight (with a straight face) And he also held my hands throughout the talk!