Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Confused about dating during soical distancing period
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Jennifer.
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Rebecca
I have talked with this guy from a dating app since January We wanted to meet up in person but either him or me were travelling. When I offered a reschedulled date, he either replied “let’s see” or he was booked for other stuff, which I took as a hint that he only wanted to use me to kill time.
So we texted on and off for a while randomly during the social distancing time until one day when he asked me out to have a lunch and take a walk. We had a nice talk over the lunch for like 2.5 hours and walked an hour. He asked me to go to his friend’s home together afterwards but I declined cuz I had other things to do, and I didn’t know him too well to see his friends.
We had begun to text a lot everyday. The next weekend he invited me over to have lunch at his home.He had talked a lot about his cooking skills since we started talking. I was pretty hesitant. But since I had feelings for him, and didn’t want to go out eat any more because of the coronavirous,I made it clear to him that I would only stay for a lunch. As he paid the last time and cooked this time,I brought him a very good and expensive wine.
He did put efforts to prepare for the meal.We had a good talk over the lunch again for like 4 to 5 hours which was beyond my expectations. He told me a lot about his life experience, realtionship with his family and friends, and work. I also shared my travelling stories, work, friendship and stuff. We kept texting on and on even after I went back home that day.
We began to text back and forth almost every hour everyday since that weekend. He asked a couple of times after work if I wanted to go over to his home to have supper or just chill. I was very busy with work at that time, and had a food poinson one day. I dont like last minute dates either. So I didnt go. On Friday I asked him if I could see him on Sunday.
However at night he said he had arrangments on Sunday and asked if I could do Saturday. I said I had plans on Saturday. I also told him I dont like ppl not asking me out in advance, just the way he didnt like his coworkers asking for a meeting last minute. So we didnt see each other that week and stopped talking till the next Wednesday when he asked me out to go to a park on Saturday. I said yes but I needed to work on the Saturday morning.
When we confirmed the plan later, turned out he “thought” we went to the park during the daytime. He could only do morning, or a lunch cuz he had to go to a surprise birthday party on Saturday afternoon from 3pm.
My instinct was that people hardly throw a party during social distancing period; ppl hardly started a party from 3pm. Chances were that he had an appointment with someone else. I was very sad and hurtful.
I texted him like, obviously an impromotu bday party notification is more important than the appointment made on Wednesday. Not even sure if such a party exists. I’m looking for something meaningful and stable with someone who respects me and my time, and follows up our dates. I think we are looking for different things.
He just replied ok understood, and stopped contacting me since.
Should I call it an end from here? Rationally I think I should move on, while emotionally I feel hurtful someone who I have talked to for a couple of months is just gone like this.
Any thoughts please?
Laura
There’s nothing to end because you already ended it. The moment you told him you were looking for something different you decided it was over even if it was just a misunderstanding to him.
Just take some time for yourself decide exactly what you want and just make sure the person you’re pursuing next time is on the same page that way you don’t feel so hurt when things don’t work out.
Newbie
If there were two dates in 4 months and a lot of fuzz about trying other dates, then i think you were right in ending it. Your text sounds a bit weird, but that doesnt matter. He wasnt very consequent in seeing you anyway or very interested. So Yeah move on
Paige
“I texted him like, obviously an impromotu bday party notification is more important than the appointment made on Wednesday. Not even sure if such a party exists. I’m looking for something meaningful and stable with someone who respects me and my time, and follows up our dates. I think we are looking for different things.”
— This is you, ending the “relationship” (as it were).
“He just replied ok understood, and stopped contacting me since.”
— This is the guy, honoring your wishes and leaving you alone.
There’s nothing left to do.
Leave it alone – and learn a lesson from this experience: Don’t make a stand unless you mean it.
Now put on your big girl panties and find a guy who matches your relationship needs. Good luck.
Lane
You are taking dating way too seriously IMO. You need to lighten up and not be so stringent or rigid in the early phase (first month) when you hardly know each other. So what, something came up, its life, not something to get into a tizzy about. All you need to do is take mental notes because he doesn’t know you well enough to “get serious” which is not a fun or light word but a dark and dour word btw and should take that out of your vocabulary.
Dating is just a method to meet people of the opposite sex and see where it leads, or not, no differently than you do with other strangers you meet, male or female. It takes time to get there though so what’s the rush? Is there a fire or something because its like you want an “instant relationship” by surpassing all the steps o build a proper foundation first, and then build from there as you get to know or learn about each other better over a many months, not just a couple dates.
You need to chill. Stop trying to be so controlling or rigid. Learn how to lean back, go with the flow, and not take dating so darn seriously—serious = not fun or enjoyable. This is why you should also be need talking and meeting other guys too as he’s not the only man on the planet ya know. So what if he’s meeting other people, that’s what single people do until they meet the one they like the best. They may not know which one they like the best until they’ve had more time to spend them to know if you’re someone they MIGHT want to TRY a relationship with or not if the time they do spend with you is fun, light, easy and breezy. Try it.
K
“When I offered a reschedulled date, he either replied “let’s see” or he was booked for other stuff, which I took as a hint that he only wanted to use me to kill time.”
There was no reason to continue engaging with him after he blew you off for rescheduling and you realized he wasn’t interested in meeting you, much less having any kind of real relationship. I’m always amazed that women figure it out right up front but then continue talking to the guy and get upset when he doesn’t want to lock them down as GF.
Your spidey senses about him were 100% correct right up front. Trust your gut next time. This was never going anywhere and you knew it. The question for you to answer is why you kept frittering your time engaging with him.
Rebecca
Thank you guys for your helpful insights.
If it is a guy I have only dated like twice under normal circumstances, which usually happens in a month at most, I would be totally fine walking away if he doesn’t make efforts to date me. Relationship of any kind, even acquaintanceship, is a partnership requiring both parties to invest to make it work.
After two failed rescheduled dates, he still didn’t ask me out after travelling back in town. He said he was doing self-isolation. I told him maybe we could meet up after the virus risk was over and stopped texting since. Actually I said that out of courtesy. Nothing happend, or was likely to happen after almost 2 months. I already let it go.
But he texted and planned a date after the quarantine was over like two weeks later. It has made me wonder if I have had any misunderstandings about him.
I’m still upset because I don’t know if it may be another misunderstaning, and I have some conflict feelings.
Dude texts a lot everyday. We work in the same industry, and share some similar perspectives about work and life. It’s a lot of fun texting and dating.
But on the other hand, I feel confused and uncomfortable when someone who has shown intensive interest doesn’t make efforts to date, at least from my perspective. He asked me to go over to his place to chill after work in the evening, which I declined. When there’s a conflict between our date and other plans, he simply says sorry but doesnt reschedule or make it up.
I don’t regret speaking out how I felt about his way to handle this. It’s just part of me may still have the little hope that if there is any misunderstanding, he would at least come up to clarify. But the chances seem very slim.
I’m pretty cool at an early stage, but when it comes to 4 months, I find it a bit hard not getting emotionally involved. I dont know if it’s just me or human brains are programmed that way.
But definitely I need to learn to lower expectations from who isn’t committed, not to invest emotionally too soon. I’m seeing other people. I just feel I’m an awful multitasker
Ss
OP, don’t feel bad about it … we have all got over invested at some point and have either learnt its dumb and pointless to do so or have continued to feel disappointed. Dating is tough on our self esteem sometimes and it is really frustrating when a guy shows so much interest and then just disappears or fades.
The key here is to keep remembering these guys are strangers and you don’t need to invest anything in a stranger. Try and make yourself stop caring too much at the early stages in talking or dating. Its not easy and its something i have to keep working on. Even today i found myself feeling irritated that a man I’d been chatting to for a week has just gone poof! I had to remind myself that it doesn’t matter, he is a stranger and there are no obligations or expectations. Men say all sorts at an early stage and it means nothing until you match it with actions. Dating with this virus issue is a pain and I’ve come to the conclusion its pretty pointless as there is no opportunity to meet up. People’s priorities are all over the shop.
Your last message read like an ultimatum and it seems he took it as one. Accept this guy isn’t your guy, chill out and move on. The more you practice not giving a f$%k the easier it becomes and you can stop putting time and energy into a stranger and just be happier!
Shazel
Hi Rebecca
Not only is it difficult to date but in these times it is even harder when you are nervous what you may encounter meeting a stranger for a date. From your initial post it seems you both didn’t really have time for each other…you said he invited you over several times but you declined because you don’t like last minute dates. It is understandable you have your dating guidelines and he seems to be more of “lets get together when possible”. Unfortunately I do think you jumped the gun on telling him you didn’t feel things were going in the right direction. If your looking to date you shouldn’t put all your eggs in one basket and instead try to get to know 2-3 people at once…this is probably a good time to get to know someone by phone/Face Time versus going over to their place. If you have no choice to speak over the phone for 2 months then at least you can get to them know them with no pressure!
mell
He shouldn’t have switched things at the last minute, but it happens. Stuff comes up for all of us, sometimes. As long as somoene is apologetic, and generally treats you well, and doesn’t make a habit of it, then it may well just be that something came up that was important. Yeah if a guy flakes on you multiple times early on, that’s a red flag.
But you sound like you reacted angily because you assumed it couldn’t be a party, and must therefore be other women. but nowehre do you mention you were exclusive. If you’re not exclusive, you don’t have a right to be mad that he might meet another woman.
The real issue is that he kept blowing you off for rescheduling. Whether he genuinely is that busy or just not making you a priority – would you really be happy with either? Cos you probably shouldn’t.
I second Shazel’s recommendation. Dating more than one person at the beginning (before exclusivity) allows you to enjoy dates without obsessing that any one guy might be The One after like 2 dates. When you decide you like a guy enough you can stop seeing other guys.
Lane
You have to remind yourself this is a very difficult time to date. Let’s face it “social distancing” is the phrase that keeps being bored into us every day for the past three plus months so you have to be more flexible with guys, in general, while also not taking it personally which it seems to be what your doing.
I personally wouldn’t even try dating during this time due to all the restrictions in place and no place to really date. I personally wouldn’t be making any investments in men right now until the restrictions are removed. So what, you talked to a dude while you had nothing to do, your schedules didn’t pan which shouldn’t be a huge issue given the circumstances.
If you don’t want to meet him then don’t. You ultimately have the power and control to decide it, not him. If you want to drop him do so. If you want to meet him do so. Choice is yours, not his.
Rebecca
Thanks again for all your insightful analysis. Reflecting on what has happened helps clear my mind a lot.
I don’t mind him dating other women in the early stage. I’m seeing other people too, though unconsciously I considered him as the main guy, which is where I should work on myself. I need to learn to be laidback more. Anyway I understand we have no obligations to each other since no exclusivity exists here.
Yes the real issue is the rescheduling thing. It frustrates me that he seemingly doesnt have the “habbit” of rescheduling properly or making it up when he can’t make it. It’s a basic norm/manner to me that if I need to cancel on anyone, a friend, a colleague, or a date,I apologize and offer another plan they find acceptable. If I don’t get treated the way I do others, I read it as a sign of disrespect and lack of interest.Am I reading too much into it?
I don’t think it’s wrong to get upset when I felt I got treated too casually. But maybe I should have used a more communicative approach to express my disappointment and how I wish he could improve? If he doesn’t make efforts to change, I won’t have regrets to drop him as I have done everything I can to make it work.
Now I’m kinda blaming myself for being impulsive.
Do you think I should give it one more shot, like texting a bit to see if there’s any chance to talk it over through phone or facetime or over some coffee? I think texting is also one of the reasons why I get too emotional cuz I can’t get the tone and facial expressions.
mama
“But maybe I should have used a more communicative approach to express my disappointment and how I wish he could improve? If he doesn’t make efforts to change, I won’t have regrets to drop him as I have done everything I can to make it work.”
OMG no, no, no, no. People show you who they are by what they do/don’t do. Why would you want to try and change someone that you just met? Or at all? If a guy isn’t behaving in a manner that you need from a potential partner (e.g., taking plans seriously) then the guy is just not a good fit for you. Accept people as they are. Then let him go and move on.
Move on, this guy is showing you he’s not a good fit for you. You will find someone else who IS a good fit for you. Stop trying to turn this in to something you can control and change to fit your needs.
Jennifer
I have a similar “lockdown” situation. I’ve been in a “get to know you” exchange with a guy who works at same company. We met for drinks just before the lockdown and had a great time. Since then, he’s been texting me daily and we briefly met at a park a couple weeks ago. He’s divorced for a year, but still has a trial upcoming causing him a lot of angst. He still talks about his ex–she was the one who filed–and he didn’t want the divorce. Last weekend we talked for 2 hours about the future, making plans for when the lockdown is over, and decided to meet up the next day. Abruptly, he cancelled our date and then said he didn’t want to lie to me. That he needed a moment alone…had a lot going on…needed to sort things out…wanted to insulate him and I from how much he is facing…he’s a mess and doesn’t want to burden me or hurt me…that he’s not ready to let anyone in right now. He said he wants to give it time. I haven’t heard from him in a week. Is this a man not over his divorce, or is he over me? I care about him. This was so abrupt happening the day after a two-hour call making plans for the future. I won’t contact him, but what else should I do?
Liz Lemon
What mama said! One hundred percent. This is a guy you’ve been on 2 dates with, since January. I think all the texting you’ve been doing has made you feel more bonded to him than perhaps you should. That’s why you’re second guessing yourself now. He is essentially a stranger even though it might feel he’s not since you texted so much.
The fact is, he cancels dates and doesn’t reschedule, treats you casually, proposes last-minute hangouts which you turn down because you don’t like last minute dates (which is fine)– you two are not a good fit. You can’t change him or demand that he improve. He is who he is.
Look at it this way. If you’re this frustrated by him when you’ve barely started dating, it will only get worse. I understand the Covid-19 situation has complicated things, but if you’ve been talking since January and had only seen each other twice in the next few months, that shows low interest. Just let this one go and find someone who’s a better fit.
Liz Lemon
Jennifer: This man is not ready to date. He is barely divorced (1 year is not much time), still going through legal proceedings, has told you he did not want the divorce, and is full of angst and has told you he is a mess and doesn’t want to let anyone in. I repeat, he is not ready to date. You should be grateful he was honest with you. The fact that he had a 2 hour fantasy conversation about the future with you does not change the fact that he is nowhere near ready to date. Just let this guy go and move on.
Jennifer
Thanks, Liz. I’ve been naive thinking he was ready as he’s been so open with me. Felt he did let me in, and then pulled back. I expect to still see him at work and we have mutual friends. Even if I move on as to finding a romantic relationship, do I try to be friends with him? Let him make the first move?
Newbie
Jennifer, you can start your own threat if you like more opinions since this was started by someone else. I agree with what liz lemmon said. This is so rebound its almost a cliché. Problably at first he felt he was ready but that changes almost always into: im not ready.
In your case i would totally stop since you also work with him. Aknowledge he is not ready for anything but you are so wish him luck and take care. If you continu you will get hurt plus your work situation can get ugly . Assuming this guy didnt want the divorce it can take years before he is ready to fully move onjennifer
Newbie: thank you! Sorry, I didn’t mean to hijack this thread. I don’t know how to start my own thread! Where do I do that?
Newbie
Jennifer im not saying you should but that you can: you go to the section you want to post in, and then scroll all down and you see the boxes where you can type the topic
ANM StaffKeymasterHi Jennifer – you can start a new thread in this same forum here. Scroll down to the bottom of the page and you’ll see the form for a new post there. Best wishes!
Jennifer
ANM staff, thanks very much!
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