Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › Confused about my coworker…
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Scorpioo.
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Scorpioo
Hi there, I need some advice.
Since September 2022 I’m confused about my coworkers behaviour (but we know/work together since 2019). We work for the same company, him as a gardner and me as the manager of the company’s store. He comes to the store to help me move heavy furniture or install some stuff when I need an employee. We only see each other at work. And we never text, call or hang out outside work. (I just need to mention that we don’t have strict dating policy in the company, we do have some supervisor/employees couples)
Three months ago, I needed an employee to help me change the exhibition, he went to ask his subordinate if he could come work with me on that day. When he comes, he usually stays a little bit longer, says doesn’t matter extra hours, ask me if I need more help to change that or this and often stays one hour more.
Since September, he displays every signs of attraction, sometimes he looks nervous, have eyebrows shaking(really), he smiles A LOT and loughs with me, he makes jokes, teases me, stares at me, touches his beard or fixes his outfit when talking to me, he makes much eye contact when he tells me his stories, But, he never compliments me on my appearance and never touches me (except: when we install or move furniture, we accidentally touch arms, hand or shoulder and he doesn’t move back, on the contrary he tends to linger in..) He asks questions about my past relationship (I was still married when we knew each other), about my ex-husband he once saw a long time ago, he asked three times if we are still together, (he didn’t get the fact that I’m actually divorced and “single” for one year).
I feel some kind of chemistry, we laugh a lot together and always have something to talk about.
So, last October I decided to make a move. I told him to call me sometime to go have a drink. And 3 weeks later, he called me on a Sunday night 6 pm. I didn’t hear the call. So he texted me “Hi” 15 minutes later. One hour after his call, I replied, “Hi”, but he didn’t answer. The next day, on Monday, I called him for work-related stuff and when I asked him did you call me yesterday, he pretended that it was about next weeks planning but that he forgot it was Sunday… (On Sunday couldn’t know yet he would work with me again on that same week as employed only receive their plannings on Monday… )After that we have been working together many times and in December I decided to make a last move on him. One night, before he left, I asked him, don’t you want to go have a fondue (Swiss speciality) tonight with me? and he said, “No tonight I can’t, I have something”, with a annoyed tone, which was strange to me, like I bothered him by asking… I decided then to leave him alone and not make any more move on him.>> not interested, was clear to me…
BUT, then came the company’s Christmas party. I decided to go but leaving him alone. During the whole evening he stared at me a lot from across the room, and also at that moment when I was speaking and laughing with others male coworkers he didn’t look away for about 5 minutes… When me and my 5 (girls) coworkers were dancing, he approached and began dancing with us (no other guys around, just him) and after 10 minutes took my hands to dance with me. I have to mention that he is shy and introverted kind of personality, so it surprised me…
5 days later, In a random discussion, I mentioned a IKEA furniture I couldn’t manage to build for my kitchen. In the second, he proposed to come to my home to help me fix it without me having to ask him. That evening, once we finished, he said he might go. Still, I offered him a glass of wine and he accepted, but nothing happened, we just talked for 30-45 minutes or so and then he left. Just before leaving, standing at the door, he looked for a long moment at his phone with a blank stare… (after that evening I heard from a coworker that his colleagues were making fun of him in front of him about banging me that night…)
Two weeks later, on the first of January, he send me a Happy new year text… (first time he does in three years) We usually never call or text outside work stuff. I just replied, thank you, you too…. that’s the last time I heard from him.
Once he told me about his past relationships. For 10 years he is in Switzerland, he had no girlfriend. He is almost 40. He had 2 in his home country, but one of them didn’t want sex before marriage, he broke up with her after two months. He told me he tried dating apps and going out but that now he’s no longer searching. I’m more experimented in dating and relationships than he is and feel confident about myself, he is more socially awkward…
He also told me he wants kids, I’m already 39 and have a 7 years boy, but I didn’t tell him I don’t want more. He tends to brag a bit, like telling me he’s having a good situation in his country, a house, etc… That he now only is a gardener but he used to have better jobs… he also told me he booked a trip in February for XXX dollars, and asked me joking, do you come with me?….What do you think? What should I do? Is there something holding him back? or is he just not interested enough?
Why won’t he make a move? I like him too. I still date other guys, but can’t focus completely on them because of him… I want to spend time with him, learn more and try to understand him and see where it could go. I’m attracted to him and I enjoy his company but I already asked him out and don’t want to do it again. Neither want to wait until next time we work together as I don’t know when that will be, could be in 2 or 3 month..
Thanks for helping me (sorry was long, but details matter sometimes)
Hello form switzerland!
Ewa
now turn the situation around and think what would you do and think if a guy was asking you out and you weren’t really interested.
He might be interested he might be not , point is, you have tried many times and he did not ask you out. You might say he is introverted etc but even introverted guys know how to ask someone out if they like them… for all we know he might even have a wife back home.
There might also be a case of you two working together and he knows it would have been awkward after.Scorpioo
“now turn the situation around and think what would you do and think if a guy was asking you out and you weren’t really interested.”
>> to this my answer is: I would back off completely to avoid any confusion if I were not interested… and I would not invite the guy to dance and surely not propose my help for a furniture stuff.
If someone is interested in me and I’m not, I got completely cold until the person understands without me having to saying it…
Looks like since he declined the fondu thing(since 7th of december) he showed more attention… that’s were my confusion stands.
And from past experiences, do you know how many times guys confessed their attraction to me only after I confessed mine?? I couldn’t even tell if there was something, they sometimes were trying hard not to show it… and never asked me out, until I did… I had great relationships with these guys, and would never have happened if I didn’t take the lead.
Sure I asked him out for the fondue, but maybe he really couldn’t do it that evening, and now he no longer has the courage to ask because I started ignoring. and he thinking I’m no longer interested…
Am I overthinking again here?? haha
Ewa
there is only one way to find out I guess , just tell him how you feel , maybe he has got some confidence issues since you are the manager and he is clearly not proud of his job.
Liz Lemon
He may be attracted to you, but it doesn’t mean he wants to date you. Maybe he’s uncomfortable with the professional dynamic if he’s a gardener and you’re a manager. That kind of thing doesn’t matter to women, but it’s important to men, as Ewa pointed out.
If you read the advice on the website, you’ll learn that there’s no such thing as mixed signals. When a guy blows hot and cold, it means he’s not really interested in, or capable of, dating you. There could be a lot of reasons for this. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to flirt, or have your attention. Of course men like female attention, even if they don’t want to date the woman. This guy enjoys your attention but he’s not interested in taking things further.
If a man is interested in a woman, he acts on it. It’s really pretty simple. You asked him out for fondue (yum, lol) and he didn’t take you up on it. If he were interested he would have said yes, or asked for another night if he couldn’t do it that night.
It’s confusing when a man expresses interest or attraction but doesn’t act on it, I know. I’ve been there. But when you find yourself totally confused by a man or unsure of how he feels about you, that’s a sign that there’s no romantic potential there. When you meet a guy who is emotionally healthy and interested in a relationship, things happen pretty easily. You are not left confused and doubting.
Liz Lemon
Also, what is his culture? Maybe there are cultural differences here. You said you’re in Switzerland but he’s not from there?
Scorpioo
Yeah I know I should tell him, but I rather do it on a date… the problem is I can’t ask him out again and I don’t know when we will be working together again.. looks like I will be waiting for him to make his move for 6 month OMG, I will go crazy haha
Scorpioo
He is from Romania. I think they have a different culture, like no sex before marriage or asking parents first etc… he came here 10 years ago and goes back once a year, stays one or two weeks there to see family.
Liz Lemon
Romania is still Europe, though…I thought if maybe he was from an African, Middle Eastern, or Asian country, they might have different expectations around dating than Europe. All countries have some level of conservative people (I’m sure there are people in Switzerland who don’t believe in sex before marriage, just like there are some in the USA). I’m not so sure that his culture is a big barrier here. He’s lived in Switzerland 10 years now anyway so you think he would have adjusted.
I still think he’s not interested in anything real with you, sorry. At any rate, why drive yourself crazy trying to figure out a confusing guy (whether it’s cultural reasons or personal reasons or whatever)? Better to focus on guys who openly express interest and want to date.
Scorpioo
Let me explain why I try to figure out his interest level. Because I used to have relationships with guys who liked me but never had the guts to ask me out. Only when I said something they confessed. Once I remember have been waiting one year until the guy I liked decided to finally ask me out. And that one was even displaying less signs of interest.
And It’s just that at some point, when you feel a connection with someone, that you have feelings its normal to wish for more… Have you never been in love before? I mean really in love? I’ve been married with a guy for 10 years that I never really loved. So for me its something precious. Maybe I’m just to romantic or to passionate (Scorpio after all :-))
I don’t care culture, I didn’t point this out.
When he called me on a Sunday night, out of nowhere, I think he decided to make a move. But I didn’t hear that f** call, so afterwards he retreated maybe to save the face… Would I have taken the call… that’s what lingers in my mind…
Liz Lemon
Of course I’ve been in love. I’m in love right now, but I never had to wonder if my boyfriend was interested, or chase him, because he made it very clear from the beginning that he wanted me. I’m just giving you my opinion.
The fact remains that you asked this guy out, and he turned you down, and did not follow up and ask you to go out a different evening. It shouldn’t be this much work. And you have no idea why he called you that Sunday night- you’re imagining that he called to ask you out, but you don’t know. Again, sorry to be harsh, but I think you’re not facing reality.
You can do what you like, of course. I think it’s a waste of time to spend energy chasing this guy, is all.
Ewa
Darling , Romanian and no sex before marriage ?
You believed him ? I will tell you what he is looking for because I worked with Romanian men, I even dated one who still messages me but chose someone who is richer.
He wants rich woman, sorry to be blunt …Scorpioo
You know what Ewa, I think you may be right. He talks a lot about money, and the worth of things. Once he mentioned being invited to a birthday party. He told me it was for a lady, of 45/50 years old, but don’t remember. He said she was rich but was too fat for him. So I told him you should look for a rich lady and he blushed and said oh noo. But still I think he is very interested about money. When he comes to my store he always checks prices, and also told me once he was buying gold jewelry to resell and make money from it. I would be interested to know more about your relationship with that Romanian guy if you don’t mind. Maybe a way for me to get over him and take him down of his pedestal…
Ewa
I don’t know what your financial status is but he’s been to your place so he probably already made his judgement about your financial situation.
I know this sounds harsh because nationality has nothing to do with who you should be as a person but Romanian men tend to go where the money is.
The one I dated was very good looking and really into me even though he barely spoke English but then he met this Hungarian girl and quickly proposed to her and later I found out she was rich and now they have a nice house in Hungary even though he can’t speak the language and he doesn’t even have a proper job…
I know romanian men are very charming and I am guessing he is probably good looking too !
But again we can only guess I am just saying what I have noticed I know Romanian people like money , if they can marry rich they will.
Him saying about this woman being rich could be a joke but if is no longer interested after seeing your flat/house then you have your answer …Scorpioo
Well thank you for the quick answer. He saw my appartement, bigger than his and more expensive. He asked me how much rent i pay. I’m a single mom, totally indépendant but I remember once he told me about that girlfriend he had in Romania, she was a farmer, having properties. Just to mention, he’s not what you would consider a good looking guy, even if I like him. He’s limbing , and looks somewhat old fashioned(a friend of mine told me) he’s not a playboy kind of guy. But yeah, maybe he saw I was more average financially, or at least not rich. I think you hit a point there… I’m just trying to figure out why he acts like that… interested and cold
Maddie
From your long post, you’ve made a lot of assumptions to fill in his lack of communication, mostly based on small things like him staring at you. If, after all this time, he has made no real moves on you or asked you on an official date then either: he likes you as a person but is not interested romantically OR he has his own issues and is not capable of being a solid boyfriend to anyone, so any secret interest he may have in you absolutely does not matter. This happens all the time, and is why it’s not good to spend a lot of time waiting on a guy who either moves so slowly that you can’t tell if he’s interested or doesn’t move at all unless you push him along. Is he really the kind of partner you want, someone who doesn’t make his feelings clear, doesn’t prioritize you, doesn’t express affection, doesn’t incorporate you more into his life, etc etc?
The other, much bigger problem is, you can like him all you want and hope for more, but what are you really hoping for? You already said yourself that you two are very incompatible: he wants more kids and you don’t. That is a very big deal, and you choosing not to tell him that doesn’t make it any less of a problem even if you did hit it off romantically and grew feelings for each other. So at some point, you would need to break up, because you already know the situation has an expiration date as you have different life goals.
This isn’t about him being Romanian or about money or how nice your residence is. Unless you’re only looking for him to be a FWB to fool around with, then find another man who makes his interest clear, treats you great, wants what you want, and isn’t a fantasy. I’m not saying this to be mean, it is just there are very big red flags: he likely has commitment issues (or simply wants to be alone) if he didn’t have a girlfriend at all throughout his 30s, he has never directly stated his interest in you, and you two have big dealbreakers between you. This leads to fun fantasies and longing, but does not lead to a serious, stable, loving relationship. You sound like you deserve better.
Scorpioo
Hi Maddie, thank you so much for your post. Since Ewa talked about the money thing, that these guys tend to go to money, I have been thinking about him in a different way. Now it’s clear to me that he is not my man and I view him in a different way.
I have been through all these “supposed” signs of attraction which I think were more flirty and maybe he was just flattered I gave him so much attention. I like to learn about myself and my experiences and I will go on analyzing why I thought about him being interested and what were the signs he was not, to help me not reproduce this kind of fantasy about a man in the future.
I feel more in peace today. I am dating another man and we will go out together tonight. I feel more excited about him than the fist time we met and will give him a chance and forget about the Romanian case haha.
Also, it was the first time I shared on a forum and discovered this dynamic of deep exchanges and generosity and I enjoyed it a lot. This is definitely something positive this experience brought to me. I want to thank you all for your deep posts, they really helped me.
In case he reaches out someday and asks me out, I will let you know. haha
A happy 2023 to you all from Switzerland!
Peggy
I want to add that when you first started talking about how he would come to your work area and hang out longer,do extra things etc.,my thought was that he could have been avoiding doing less “enjoyable” tasks at the other area of his job. He liked hanging with you, but not as a romantic match.
Scorpioo
Hi Peggy, I guess you are right. I think I made his working days easier when he was coming…
He once said, you are lucky having that job at the store as at the company there is always much of noise and troubles. He enjoyed working at the store. And I always gave him coffee etc… silly me hahah -
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