Home › Forums › How To Get My Ex Back › Confused about my ex… what do I do?
- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 3 years, 6 months ago by
Lane.
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Carola
So I ended things with my ex because I felt he was drifting away. He’d expressed his life was busy, he wasn’t sure who he was, etc, so I said to him it might be best if we took a bit of a break from each other. He said he wanted to talk every day, then promptly never said another word to me until two days ago (three weeks’ silence). Ordinarily, I’d not be surprised, but prior to us dating we’d been friends for ten years, so that sort of distance seemed weird. I was upset, but figured he needed space.
In the message two days ago, he said he was sorry for not reaching out, he’d hit a wall with mental health problems and had never experienced it before so hadn’t known what to do until it was too late. He said he’d had a breakdown after I ended things, shut everyone out, and made some dramatic changes with work and looked to getting a bit more balance in his life. He also said he thought he was getting on the right path and wanted to figure out who he was. I said, initially, that I assumed he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, as I had never experienced that from him. He apologised — he said definitely not, he always wanted me in his life and felt horrible for shutting me out, and that I meant too much to him to lose.
I said that’s all fair, and that despite our distance, we had enough history as friends that he’s free to call me or text me if he’s struggling (I’ve been dealing with mental health issues for 15 odd years now, and they’re pretty well managed, so I understand kind of where he’s coming from). But that one thing I did want him to try, if he was able to, was actually telling people before vanishing from everything, because we worry.
We talked for a little while last night, and when I ended the conversation I said to him it was on him to reach out as I didn’t want to be in his face when his mental health wasn’t great, and I’d let him drive the relationship for now. He didn’t respond. Still nothing from him today, and I’m disappointed – I expected it, but I wish he would reach out.
I do want him back, but I’m wondering if it’s a lost cause? Added LDR to this — we had planned to end the distance within a year, but the distance is certainly complex.
Zoe
block him
Maddie
I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s tough! But it’s also a lost cause and waste of your time to hold on to the idea now that you can get back together. He’s got a lot to deal with and you don’t who he’ll be when he gets through it (neither does he) or if you’ll still be compatible if/when he does. Nor do you know how long he’ll be grappling with this, it could easily be a couple years or more before he’s truly available and ready to show up for a serious commitment. If he isn’t fully through this and you get back together, you’ll just end up breaking up again because nothing changed. Staying emotionally unavailable to new partners because you’re hoping something changes and staying attached to him for so long isn’t fair to you. You deserve a relationship with someone who can show up now, not potentially show up one day.
I’d recommend trying your best to internalize that it’s over, mourn, move forward, until you’re over it enough to be available to other men who are looking for and are capable of the same type of romantic relationship you want and are looking for. Maybe you can resume a closer friendship if you’re not still stuck on him with a romantic agenda, but you’ll cross that bridge when you come to it. Give yourself the space first, like he’s giving himself, and see if your perspective changes after you process the breakup.
tammy
i dont think he is in the right head space for a relationship right now. doubt its you. in the circumstance, you have to start accepting mentally that it is most probably over atleast for the present. you have to cut this out and move on for your mental health and sanity. or you would be wreck trying to hang on or trying to figure out. you need to pull away as if this is over and start leading your life. who knows? when he is better and has got help, he may reach out. you may then reconsider if your single. but if i was in your place, i would simply cut this out and walk away. its not fair on you.
Rox
Hi,
He said sorry, he acknowledged you. I know most of this forum says to let people deal with their own problems in their own time. But, if I was a friend and I had a friend for 10 years, I would help them. The boundary is not to let them totally depend on you, while they are going through this. But, what is life if everyone has to be perfect before they start interacting? Maybe going through hard moments is life, and the ones who only show up when it’s easy are the ones you should be most weary about.See if you can be friends again first, is how I would proceed. Good luck .
Lane
I don’t think it was right to ask him to ‘lead the relationship’ when he had just divulged to you he was going through a crisis. You essentially just piled more onto his plate, when he was struggling the most, and that’s not helpful to him, you, or the relationship.
I would have given him the room to step back in when he was ready to step back in. Letting him know you have his back, during a time of need, is how one show’s compassion for someone they love. We all go through hard times, or crisis’ during our lifetimes, and knowing you have a partner who stands by you, when you are at your worst, is how you strengthen a relationship because they trust you will be there through the good, and bad times.
I don’t know how far the distance is but when I went through a couple work crisis’ I, like your guy stopped communicating, and it only made my partner fret and worry. I was finally able to explain it, and asked him for some space so I could tackle it. He patiently waited for me to deal with it in the way I needed to without putting extra pressure on me. He let me know he loved me, let me know he supported me, but didn’t ask for more than I was able to give at the time. Four plus years later, majority of it LD, and we are still going strong :o)
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