Confused about whether this "break up" is permanent

The one thing I will say is that if the man is putting in the effort to salvage a relationship, and openly discussing things with you, then its a good sign. However, the problem I have, is with you, in that, it seems you probably need to find other things to do, with other people, and not be so reliant on him. That’s the message I’m getting, whereas he’s feeling suffocated by too much of your presence.

People in relationships do need space and time apart. Being together too much can damage a relationship no differently than being apart too much. You need to find some ‘balance’ by doing things with people outside the relationship, as that brings positive energy into the relationship because you are not solely reliant on one person, such as an SO but others too such as friends, co-workers, family, taking up a hobby or two, etc. I would try to stop focusing so much on him, and try to venture out by doing other things, that he might be more excited to talk with you about than the daily mundane stuff.

Its sounds like you’ve fallen into a rut, and its time to get out of it, or you could lose him to someone who’s more interesting and/or exciting to be around—probably like you were in the beginning?

I think you are missing the point here. He is saying he needs to work on himself before being in a relationship. Do you know why? Did he give you any reasons? For example most men want to be financially secure and have a good job or career lined up before they feel they can move forward with a relationship, like living together or marriage. Or does he have a drug or drinking problem he’s trying to get under control. What is it he needs to work on?

It sounds to me like you’ve been demoted to FWB no and that’s NEVER a good place to be when you’re trying to get back together. Why? Because you’re still spending time with him based on when he wants it and you’re still flirting, spending the night. He gets all of the benefits of having you as a girlfriend but with none of the whining about not spending enough time together because you’re broken up!!

And I’m totally not getting what this “being present” means. Were you two constantly on your phones texting other people when you were together or something? Because I’ve absolutely never had to have a conversation about “being present” with any of my relationships. Essentially he’s getting everything he wants right now which is companionship and sex totally on his terms just by throwing out a few resources on working on your relationship. A want who wants to work on your relationship doesn’t start by BREAKING UP WITH YOU!!

I think the only way you will get his attention is by walking away and letting him miss you. What incentive does he have right now to get back together? He’s getting everything from you he was getting before only without the commitment and if you get upset he simply has to say, you know we’re not in a relationship and I told you I don’t want to be in one right now!!

I agree with Kaye. Especially when she says, a man who wants to work on your relationship doesn’t start by breaking up with you! That sums it up right there.

You’re giving him everything he had before without the responsibility of a commitment/relationship. So he has no motivation to get his $hit together. It’s not clear to me what he needs to work on, or what kind of work he’s doing to get himself to the point where he wants a relationship with you. It sounds to me like he’s having his cake and eating it too.

If I were in your shoes, I would give him all the space in the world to “work on himself.” That means no contact. No sleepovers. No hanging out at his convenience. No texting or calling. He needs to feel your absence and realize how much he needs you in his life. After 2 years you deserve better than this!

I agree with Kaye too. That is wjhat I would have said if I fully answered your question. Lane gives excellent and mneasured advice,but I think she missed the mark on this one. Of course if you are overkly clingy or “making him your world” that is something to be worked on with him or any other guy you may date.