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- This topic has 10 replies and was last updated 3 years, 5 months ago by
Maddie.
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Tara
I’ve been on here a few times. Reading people’s relationships issues and comparing them with mine. None exactly are completely the same. I don’t have a lot of friends to speak to hence, why I’m here.
I’ve been with a guy for 5 years. I’m those 5 years there has been a lot of headache. I learned after 3 years how our relationship works. I cannot voice my concerns or feeling or he will break up with me, These last two years I’ve held a lot of emotions inside fearing his mean behaviour. Having said that, things were good between us. I would sweep my concerns under the carpet and life was good,
Just recently, I felt I needed to address certain behaviour I was not too keen about, I believed we were in a good place so maybe things would be different,
Friday we had a wonderful night. The next day I went away for the night at my folks and returned the next morning. I spoke to him about things that were bothering me. Mystery text messages, adding a person to his FB page that he met for 20 mins. (Literally) I told him I felt a disconnect, He blamed it on his mental health and family issues. After 5 years I asked why he has not accepted my relationship status with him on FB. He said our friends know we are together, what’s the point. To make this long story short, He completely turned on me being mean and rude. He advised me he would not be attending my daughters graduation. I became very upset as to why that was relevant in our conversation. He said he didn’t care about her. A knife went through my heart. I left the conversation and went home. The next morning I messaged him, I told him I was leaving work early and I won’t stop in briefly. He blew me off and said he wasn’t feeling good and he was going to try to go to bed, This was at noon. I attended my daughters graduation alone. I had not heard from my BF all
day, So I sent he a text asking if he was still alive. He did not respond. I called twice with no answer, Because of his mental illness, I was worried he may harm himself, I drove to his home, all lights out, car in the yard, I messaged him again and said you don’t have to talk to me, just respond you’re ok, I received no answer. I drove home wondering what I should do. I finally received a text saying “I’m alive” I called him immediately to make sure he was. He answered so rude saying “what do you want” I said I was just making sure he was ok, He told me not to bother and hung up, I didn’t do anything wrong, but I predicted the outcome of expressing my feelings. I am drawn by this man when he is good mentally. When he is not, he just wants to break up with me. The inconsistency in this relationship over the 5 years have made me sick. He puts me self esteem on a high one day. Calling me beautiful, thst I look nice, holds my hand, and tells me he loves me. Literally less then 48 hrs, He treats me as his biggest enemy without warning, I don’t know how to let go, I really love his unconditional loving side, but his mean side, without warming appears. I get confused as to what to do, but I know I cannot continue to do this at my age, I’m
47.Maddie
What are his mental health issues? Does he have borderline personality disorder? What is he doing to manage his own issues and take responsibility for them? And why do you think it’s okay to accept a relationship in which you’re walking on eggshells, scared of your partner, stuffing down your own needs, instead of thinking you deserve to be treated respectfully all the time? Not a loaded question — a serious one to ask yourself.
Leslie
And to add to Maddies comment…he said he didn’t care about your daughter?
This is so toxic. He seems to be more disrespectful to you than respectful to you.
AngieBaby
This is called gaslighting. And also reminds me of the frog that jumps out of boiling water fast but barely avoids getting boiled to death by jumping out of the water at the last minute after the water was slowly heated up over time.
This guy is bad news. I think you know you need to leave. I also think you’re going to need help doing it or you would have done it already. At some level you are attached, possibly co-dependent, and confused by remembering the good times. Please, for your sake and your daughter’s, find a counselor who can help you extract yourself.
Erin
Sounds like a toxic relationship pattern with lots of gaslighting and codependency.
I know the word is being used loosely these days but this guy acts like a textbook narcissistic, the anger at criticism followed by the ‘punishing ‘, discard and show contempt phase and watch as partner drives self crazy about your safety and whereabouts as you give her the silent treatment.
Saying and doing hurtful things by striking your weak spot like him saying he doesn’t like your daughter and won’t attend her graduation. All meant to hurt you deliberately and make you feel worthless.
Please leave this guy, he is not being kind to you, he is being hurtful and he does it on purpose. Whatever mental issue he has, it’s not your cross to carry, if he isn’t taking steps to improve then you can’t be with him, it will cost you your mental health. Time to leave his as*
Zoe
You need to leave him alone, you call and call him even after he abuse you.
Gain self respect and break upTara
I’ve invested so much in this relationship that’s why it’s so confusing. I give him so much without asking anything in return. I’m very independent I never ask him for anything. Sometimes he feels not needed, but that is who I am.
His mental illness pertains to depression, PTSD, and from what I’m noticing and reading, BPD. On his good days he is a prince, everything you want in a man. On his bad days, pure rudeness, not empathy, and distances himself. It’s hard to wrap my head around when we are a happy couple and laughing to him hating me within minutes. I do shake my head, because it’s not normal and I recognize that,
He knew this week was an important week for me. Instead of being excited of the upcoming events, I lie in bed crying.
He is suppose to accompany me to a function this evening. Also, we had book a weekend away this week, on my dime, as usual. It’s just so frustrating and sad. He’s my best friend and had always had my back, but this emotional roller coaster is taking I over my entire health. I know I need to find the strength to let go, but it’s so painful.
I have told myself this morning that I will not reach out to him after that rude behaviour last evening and hanging up on me for saying I was worried about him. You’d think he would have been appreciative. I’m just so confused on this behaviour.
Elvira
Tara from what you described I would’ve guessed one of his issues was Bipolar. The high and low mood swings. I am not familiar with treatment for BPD it but I am sure he would need some kind of medication/treatment. His behavior is beyond your control and some things should not be taken personally against you. However, is this a relationship you want to continue if the person is not willing to get help?
Tara
Elvira, I though about that too. He just started therapy 2 weeks ago. Long overdue. His second meeting was the day he had his outburst. I just think coupled should be willing to communicate. It always seems to be me to fix things. I’m exhausted. I can guarantee that he will not contact me at anytime. I could see if I cheated on him or did something severe, but I just told him how I was feeling. Instead of an acknowledgment, he spins it around on other subjects and now I’m the cause.
I have always been loving and loyal and I give him everything that I have, I stand by him, when I should have walked because of the toxicity. I’m just drained, but miss him so much. I’ve never experienced this kind of hurt from anyone.
Liz Lemon
Tara, you would probably benefit from therapy yourself, to figure out why you keep giving and giving to someone who is toxic, unstable and emotionally abusive. There is nothing noble about sticking by a man for years who treats you this way. You will never be able to “fix” him, no matter how loving and loyal you are. You have to realize and understand that, and walk away without looking back. So the problem here is you as much as him, honestly. You have to examine why you are willing to completely drain yourself for someone who jerks you around and gives you nothing back.
Maddie
He needs to be professionally diagnosed, but it sounds like you agree based on your descriptions of him that he likely has BPD. Which is why you’re not finding situations like yours to help with advice, because personality disorders are actually uncommon… but not so uncommon that there aren’t a lot of resources. I can’t link to outside sources on this site, but do some more research looking up partners of BPD and looking up BPD relationship cycle.
There’s a few things to consider here: first, if you’re in your late 40s, I’m guessing he’s in his 40s or 50s. And he’s just going to therapy for the FIRST time, at that age? BPD cannot be resolved but it can possibly be managed with years of hard work. That’s years you need to continue to put up with his mistreatment of you which may, or may never, get better. If he wasn’t inclined to start treating his issues until this advanced age, it means it wasn’t a priority to him and he wasn’t ready, and that really doesn’t bode well for you.
Bringing me to my next point. People who date partners with untreated personality disorders are on the receiving end of constant emotional abuse that traumatizes THEM. You should really look into finding a therapist yourself to cope with everything you’ve been through with him, and anything that’s happened to you prior that’s made you tolerate emotional abuse and kept you in a place where it’s okay for him to take his issues out on you. It’s NEVER okay. At the very least, look up the experience of others with BPD partners online so you know what you’re in for.
Lastly, you seem to love when you puts you on a pedestal and idealizes you (BPD split either all good or bad and this can change in an instant). You endure abuse in hopes he’ll return to those fantasy moments. BPD can be very seductive because the person with it cannot regulate their emotions, so there’s a childlike immaturity which means (from what I’ve heard from other BPD partners) they seem to worship you with an all-encompassing innocence when they’re splitting you good. If this is what you’re drawn to, it’s important info for you to have about yourself and probably to bring to a therapist. The validation feels great, but relationships that operate in fantasy and intermittent reinforcement are toxic toxic toxic. You being drawn to that is your own red flag about work you should start doing for yourself so that you aren’t drawn to toxic dynamics in the future.
You should leave him because it won’t get better, and you should seek professional support in doing so because I’ve heard leaving this type of relationship is extremely painful due to what I’ve written about and you’ll want to go back again and again until you process more and heal from 5 years of this.
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