Confused and not sure what has happened

His silence speaks volumes..I wouldn’t make a move..try and distance yourself from the situation, emotions aside. What you have is a guy, who profited of a situation that didn’t engage him to nothing, there you have your no label. He knows he got you cheap. And you never said anything, you were happy like that. Low value. That is something that men deeply hate. Sure, they take it, when offered for free (no hassle, cool girl👍🏻) but does that make them see you as high value woman and does that make them fall in love deeply? There you have your difference between a woman they take as temporary and a woman they know they shouldn’t lose. Now he treated you poorly..but his ignoring you and lack of reaction puts you in an emotional train and makes you question yourself, makes you feel like you should apologize for something you didn’t even do! Don’t fall for it! You ll deeply regret it..I mean you work with guy, your very work post and performance is at stake! Now it’s done, and you have to act professionally. At least in the workplace. Not nice and happy, but like you ve always did and treat him like you would any other college. You are desperate cause he didn’t react like you d expect he would..you ve made a scenario in your head of how he might react and prepared in your head how you d react to that, only, he didn’t react as expected, and so you didn’t do yourself a favor by expecting and thinking about it. So do yourself a favor and do better next time, i e, don’t expect anything, not positive, not negative. And like some said, enough of the nice girl that lets everyone step on her in hope of avoiding conflict! If anything, take this as a lesson of how not to do things. Happy new year

I’m really sorry, I would be devastated too.

You did nothing wrong. I understand you’re hurt, but you need to be angry. He misled you by telling you he loved you and he’s treated you horribly. Can you summon up some anger? Some indignation for being treated this way? Imagine how you would feel if a good friend were going through this…can you feel that way for yourself?

Even if it doesn’t come naturally, try, because that’s the healthy reaction.

As far as how to proceed, you need to know what your end goal is in order to know what to do next. What do you want to achieve?

First off, this is why you keep your professional and personal life separate! I have never a seen one go well when they work directly with each other. There have been about two successful married couples but they were in completely different departments (buildings or floors) that had nothing to do with each other so they were able keep their work and married life separate, other than carpooling or grabbing lunch occasionally. This is over the span of 35 years and WHY I implemented a strict ‘no work dating policy” and have held to it because this kind of scenario that eventually disrupts the workplace (chatter, sides are taken, etc).

Second, I think there was much more to what occurred with that other female that you think there is. When a man ‘calls you out’ it means you struck a deep nerve and he saw you in different light. I think it was definitely on his mind and he was no longer missing you enough to reach out. I’ve had these types of pull backs when I was reassessing my feelings about someone and if I don’t miss then enough or no longer have that ‘loving feeling’ I detach from them.

Lastly, I would write a note “can we talk over coffee after work?” and see if he’d be willing to discuss why he’s gone cold on you. You really have nothing to lose and it would be bet to clear the air because you still have to work together.

Thanks for the advice lane I appreciate it.

Do you think then that he developed feelings for the other girl?

No, I think it was the way you acted and talked about her in a negative tone that struck a nerve with him. Jealousy although a natural human emotion needs to be carefully monitored because if left unchecked it can be seen as a very negative trait. Its possible the drama between you and this other woman put a very bad taste in his mouth and his feelings changed.

I do not like jealous men at all. Its fine if one’s in ‘protective mode’ like a dude trying to hit on you in front of him, however if its based on insecurity, like yours was, then it has a totally different feeling to it, an eeewww kind of one that can definitely turn someone off.

It’s possible he withdrew because of the jealousy incident but it’s possible it was something else–there’s no way to know except by him telling you. It does you no good to try to guess or assume.

I think at this point you need to clear the air. I’d ask him if you can get together to talk. maybe after work like others suggested, and then just ask what happened between you. It’s best for you not to ask “Was it this? or this?” Just leave it a completely blank slate so he can speak from scratch, from his own perspective. Just say everything seemed great when you left, and now it’s not. Can you please tell me what happened?

I understand your shock completely. I still do not believe you did anything wrong. One small moment of neediness/jealousy that you immediately explained and apologized for could have possibly turned him off, but after 8 months of everything being great and with someone who loves you…well, you have to be able to be vulnerable with someone. And if that was seriously enough to make him treat you this way and walk, then good riddance.

The thing is, even when you do everything right, it doesn’t mean everything will turn out alright. People have their own stuff. They have their own issues, they have their own things going on in their lives. Even good people can be flaky or unreliable. Him behaving this way can be all about him.

So I understand your shock and devastation–I actually feel it for you–but you’ve got to understand you can do everything right sometimes, in relationships and in the world in general–and that’s no guarantee.

Men are so cruel sometimes and I’m sorry u are hurt. I think u realize too now why getting involved with co-workers is never a good idea. It sounds like he’s feeling guilty about something. I know what I’d do. I’d be sure to make clear eye contact with him and let him see the hurt in your eyes. If he is cruel enough to continue acting the same way after realizing how hurt u are, then u don’t need him in your life. Men sometimes say things ‘in the moment,’ they don’t always mean. Or it’s possible he loves u in the best way he can, which may not mean forever. Just chalk him up and move on.
I agree with the others that he owes u an explanation, but u shouldn’t have to drag it out of him. Ignore him.

I agree with peggy. He does owe you respect, basic decency is something that anyone you interact with owes you! Let alone him… And a silent treatment can feel like a pure torture. Anyone in your shoes would be shocked. Email or lunch, I don’t know, but I definitely wouldn’t pretend that we’re fine. I would want him to know that I am disappointed and then… bye! you can do it in a classy an elegant way. He sounds immature, cowardly, a bit of an idiot to be honest.

Just pick up the phone and ask him whats up. Hes not a random dude that texted you every now and then hes a boyfriend, colleague and the man that claims to love you. This is terrible behaviour so call him on it. Youre not being uncool you are commanding some respect from the loser. Its not looking good though i think you deserve better than this flake.

I’m curious about this “you never were GF/BF therefore he owes you nothing” stuff. In my mind, if a guy I’ve been seeing for several months says he loves me, then he is definitely my boyfriend whether it has been officially stated or not. Surely if he can say he loves you and treat you in this horrible way, then he could also just as easily have called you his girlfriend and done the same – I don’t understand how one is somehow more binding than the other. How did he refer to you when introducing you to family and friends while you were together?

I’m sorry I don’t mean to sound condescending about all advice you’ve already received or you asking for advice in the first place but sometimes I feel like screaming at these posts and asking — where the hell is all the common sense?? I mean listen, with love and relationships and men, there are no full proof absolutes. No wrong or rights when it comes to expressing needs! Sure there are guidelines to human communication and based on gender it is advantageous to learn a man’s ‘language’ to facilitate the most efficient understanding…

But dear lord the one thing a man does understand and does speak is the language of respect!! This dude knows EXACTLY what he’s doing which is ghosting you right in front of your face! It’s incredibly cruel and beyond disrespectful. And please!! Do not for a minute blame yourself for the disagreement or showing of jealousy involving that other girl! Come on! A man who loves you and wanted to be with you would go out of his way to reassure you that it’s nothing. This man CLEARLY was using you and I do not say that lightly. You did yourself no favors for allowing the relationship to be un-labeled so to speak but whoever posted that if a man is telling you he loves you, texting you all the time and spending his time with you is right — that you would of course assume you are his gf. (Though for the future — I do not ever recommend assuming anything)

Bottom line — I would figure out when the hell I could get this guy alone and confront him toot sweet. You acting all easy breezy is communicating to him loud and clear — “Hey you can do whatever you want to me, do a 180 on me and I’ll just act like everything is fine. Go ahead and treat me however you want — I won’t call you on it and you can act with impunity” I say F#*% that!! You know at this point you can never be with him again after how he has treated you. Who cares if you work together? If you are going to have continued interactions I would feel it was even more important for him to know who he is dealing with! You are a grown ass woman who is ALLOWED to have a voice and feelings and needs and a REACTION to his pitiful, cruel actions. This is not a time to worry about saving any dignity. I would argue staying quiet this long has already compromised that.

Call him out. Tell him how you feel. Don’t care how he acts if he acts cold or disdainful. Say your peace. Let your voice be heard. It is beautiful and loving and you did nothing wrong except let something flow along without questioning it — probably again trying to be the cool girl. Screw the cool girl. Get your needs met. And tell this bastard off. Learn from this and go forward. Wishing you luck.

I’m so sorry Jilly. If a man told me he loved me, there’s no way I’d expect this treatment from him. You weren’t FWBs. It was more than that.

I can’t tell you why but he’s definitely lost interest. He’s being a coward and not telling you to your face. He’ll keep being nice and friendly not to cause any issues at work, but he won’t make an effort to see you. He wants you to get fed up and start ignoring him too.

I hate to hurt you but you must know a man who loves you doesn’t treat you this way. They want to spend time with You, they want to know how you are.

My friend’s girlfriend was in a car accident yesterday. Although she’s fine, he’s cancelled all his plans to be with her. He feels terrible he let her drive home alone and feels like the worst boyfriend ever, even though it was no way his fault. Now think of your man and what would happen if you told him you were in an accident?

Maybe he did really like you for a while but he isn’t acting in a loving way at all now is he? You need to let go.

You also need to stop blaming yourself! You haven’t done anything wrong. He’s just not the right man for you. Do you blame yourself if it rains? (I hope not!) But in the same way, people’s feelings change and it’s not your fault. Or maybe he acted like he cared more than he did and is now showing his true colours.

Either way, it’s very painful for you. There’s no point contacting him again or asking to see him, asking questions etc. You made a move, he talked about you being gorgeous and missing you (no talk of love, just physical apprearance), and since he’s made no effort to contact you. That says it all doesn’t it? It isn’t your fault and I know it hurts but he’s lost interest.

I also know you love him but look at how he’s treated you. He is not a nice man. In fact he’s an a*s*hole. Nice men do not tell a woman they love her and then just ignore her when they’re done. You need to start seeing him for what he is. Time to get angry!

Jilly, this isn’t your fault. The man is an as*. Sometimes it can take time for someone to show their true colours. My ex started being abusive after 18 months for example. It wasn’t my fault. It turns out he did that to other women too.

I bet if you knew his exes he’s done this before.

He just doesn’t have the guts to end something.

You don’t have to have done anything wrong. He may have changed his mind, he may have led you on or he may be a psycho. I can’t tell you that. But please don’t blame yourself. He is not a nice man. No nice man would treat you like this would he?