Confused and not sure what has happened

Hi Jilly!

So sorry for what you’re going through.

That said, I’d advise you to get hold of your emotions at this juncture – because it is obvious they’re running away from you. Your last two posts says it all.

This man is done and is keeping it cordial because both of you work in the same office – saying you’re gorgeous and all those superficial compliments does not equate to interests.

The best way to get at someone especially in this situation is to ignore them, act like they don’t exist – deal with them with a professional composure and comportment. Don’t start acting up in the sense to make him feel jealous or notice how good you look etc. – just cancel him out and live your life. I guarantee you he’ll feel less of himself and possibly would want to get in your good grace again.

I wouldn’t give credence to anything he does or says from here on as he has shown you who he is and what character traits you’re/you’ll be dealing with.

We’ve all been there – where our emotions gets the best of us and we began to analyze events with a man when in fact we know the answer. I’m going to say it again – HE’S DONE!

Use his poor behavior as a yardstick to heal and get away from him – treating you so poorly is never acceptable just remember that.

Also, to be fair to him and most men and people in general – we can’t fault anyone from exercising their human right by changing their mind if they determine that a relationship or situation does not fit well with them – which is what I think is going on here. Sometimes people/men do not want to deal with the emotion(s) that ensues when they tell the other person/woman that they’re not feeling it anymore – so they distance themselves and leave it for you to read between the lines.

For dignity sake – disengage from this man and the false sense of love he has given you. I understand it’s hard given that you’ll see him everyday at the office – but, trust – by ignoring him in the sense that anything that does not relate to work/professional interaction you just shotdown mentally and emotionally from him period.

Additionally, stop asking what you can do to fix “what you did or didn’t do” that’s not healthy at all.

Stop feeding off of that false sense of love and other stuff you’ve rationalize all along. Be compassionate to yourself, cry, mourn and move on. If he drops dead tomorrow will you not still live??

YOu need to work on your inner bitch. Dont blame yourself, know what behaviour you accept etc. I miss phillygirl now lol.
Read the book why men love btiches. I hate the title btw
Just think, his loss and ignore him

Aw this sucks. If I was you I would break up officially with him as its unacceptable behaviour. Call him up and tell him hes a cowardly mindgamer. Dont let him off the hook so easy. If you cant do that then go no contact and stick to it. Also please stop blaming yourself or thinking you have done wrong or not been enough. Its not about that and its not the way this man sees it either. Some things just arent meant to be. Some people just cant be in a relationship, they self sabotage or have too many issues. There is a million reasons that could apply here but none of them actually matter. All that matters now is that you accept this as over, work on yourself to heal and feel better and empower yourself a bit and get angry with this cowardly loser. To change your mind isnt great but it happens in life, but to fade out and lead people on is not. This isnt a big loss to you this guy is of poor character and you deserve better. Work on your confidence and self esteem and be kind to yourself, indulge a little in what makes you feel better. Avoid him as much as you can. Best of luck with it all. Onwards and upwards. x

I absolutely would send a breakup text. He is gas-lighting you and thinks he can get away with just fading out of your life like your relationship never existed. He seriously thinks he can just be friendly at work, never contact you, and then you will each go on with your life as if you were never together. Don’t let him get away with this. Send a text about how his behavior has made you decide to end the relationship. Make him get dumped. It is over anyway you slice it hun. I’m sorry you’ve been with such a jerk but have this be a lesson to discuss your relationship expectations are next time.

And if he acts like he doesn’t understand why you’re upset, DO NOT engage. That is gaslighting, he is pretending like he doesn’t get it and trying to make you think you’re crazy. Trust me he knows why you’re upset and you do not need to explain it to him.

You need to understand he’s being abusive. Just don’t engage. Tell him he knows why you’re breaking up and you’re not going to explain more than you already have.

You need to be strong.If you keep accepting this behavior and don’t take a stand now, your self-esteem will get even worse.

Here is one mind trick that might help you.

Imagine that he has split into two people, the man he was before and the man he is now. I’m talking science fiction stuff. He’s literally split into two different men. The man he was before that you were in love with has gone away–literally moved away to another country, or he’s died. That wonderful man who loved you has died.

This new man is just that, he’s a totally new man that you don’t know. He isn’t the man you loved at all. That is actually quite obvious.

Let yourself be sad for the man you loved who died. It’s awful.

But this new guy? You don’t know him from jack. How do you treat a stranger who treats you the way this new guy does? You don’t let him into your life.

Mind tricks can help. Really imagine this and see if it does. When you’re sad and crying and hurt, make it about the guy who went away and died. It has nothing to do with this new guy.

This new guy in the office? He’s a real jerk.

Hi Jilly,
I’m not sure if I really have any great advice for you, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone in feeling this way! My situation is similar to yours, but with a few twists.
And I really REALLY am sorry you have to go through this.

My colleague and I were friends and co worker for over 10 years. We both had long and difficult marriages. He always told me he never wanted another relationship and he knew I do want another relationship (but not necessarily marriage).

Anyway, after 7 or 8 years of chit chat at work, coffee breaks together, lots of sexual tension and flirting I approached him for FWB. He had always been clear he didnt want more, and I thought I could handle it and move on after.
I was going back to school for about 16 months and wouldn’t have time to date, I had already been single for a couple of years and was lonely. I knew he cared for me and would treat me with respect.

Our ‘relationship’ went on for a year and a half and he treated me well – gifts, help around the house, supported me through a family member’s illness and death, offered to lend me money when I was in school, called me love and dear and babe, even called me his GF once and I fell for him HARD… until he told me out of the blue he wanted to date.
But he didnt say he wanted to date me.

To make a very long story short, he blew hot and cold, would reach out then disappear, ask to get together and flake on me, tell me I was amazing and he was happy to know me, still call me pet names, kiss me hello when he could for almost TWO YEARS after we ‘broke up’.

My situation is a bit easier than yours because we work in different departments and it can be months or weeks in between when we see each other. Every few months we have to spend the day together and he will be sweet and charming and flirty and it has been VERY hard on me because I start to feel he has missed me.
And nothing more happens.

I heard in April he was dating another coworker (I don’t know her but I hear she is nice) and they are the talk of the town now. We kept our relationship private from work.
Naturally, I was devastated.

I beat myself up over and over again and wondered what I did wrong, why her and not me, how can I ask him etc etc.
Then to counteract those thoughts I would try to convince myself he was never really my friend, he never really cared about me, it was all a lie and an act.

For the past two years I have been reading self help books, therapy for my self esteem, doing yoga, reading this site and stories to help me move on and get over him, trying to date other men…
None of those things have helped much yet, but I am still working on it.

To make it worse, he was still flirting, talking about our past with fondness, touching me in small ways, patting my back or my leg, telling me I looked great… but not asking me out.
Everytime he would make what I thought was a positive step toward me or seemed like he missed me I would hope that he was reconsidering.

But then I heard he had a GF!!
I finally realized I had to put my foot down once and for all and see that he is all talk and no action.

I finally had that moment when we spend the day together at work in July.
He said something about ‘us’ and I said ‘you can’t flirt with me like that anymore now that you have a GF’
He was shocked but didn’t deny it.
I told him ‘I am hurt you told me I was perfect, but you didn’t ask me to date’
He never really explained himself.
I told him I missed him and he was shocked.
We actually had a nice little talk, but I told him it hurts me and is too hard for me when he flirts and says the nice things but has a GF.
I told him he has to stop.
I spoke softly but firmly with no anger in my voice.

I asked him if he was happy and he made a ‘meh’ face and said ‘I’m happy… you know’ but it sure sounded lame and UNhappy with NO emotion.
So I asked him ‘no really, are you happy?’
and the made the same face.
I thought ‘wow… THAT is how you feel about a new GF?’
But maybe he was just saying that to me to keep me on a string??

I didn’t really see him much until November where we again spent the day together at work.
Someone else offered him her congratulations on his new GF (he tried very hard to ignore her and not answer) and later when he and I were alone I said congratulations too.
I asked him again if he was happy as now it had been at least 8 months (probably more) that he had been dating her and I said ‘it must be serious’.
He again made that lame face and said he was happy.

I *KNOW* he is still VERY attracted to me as later that same day when we were joking around and there was some innuendos thrown around, I could see the ‘evidence of his attraction’. He tried to hide it and be subtle… but it was there.

Sorry Jilly this has turned into too long of a story…
but I just really want you to see that :
IT IS NOT YOU!!
IT IS THEM!!

There are just some men that are a mess and can’t deal with their feelings or emotions.
It sucks that they were our friends first, then our BF or lover and that they can move on this way and leave wonderful women like you and I behind without any real explanation.

I felt better when I put my foot down and my boundaries up.
I felt better when I told him I was hurt.
I felt better when I told him he has to stop flirting.

I don’t know if he will EVER explain why he didn’t want to date me but he continues to say, seems to think and feel that I am amazing.

I probably will never know the truth. He could tell me anything but it doesnt mean its the truth.

You probably will never get the answers you want. but you CAN get your own power back and help YOURSELF feel better and heal.
This HAS to be about YOU now… not him.

Jilly,you seem to just be waiting for him to “claim” you.. NO and No. He has no respect for you IMO. If he was going to be busy over the holidays and only have time for sporadic or no contact-he should/could have said so in advance. Could have reassured you hw would be happy/excited to see you again after the holidays. * months dating and not even a “merry Christmas”? wow. A guy who loves you,would not leave you hanging,confused,begging,etc.
I would stop all contact,response to him-just cut him cold like he did to you. I would not give him another chance,unless he suddenly proposed and said he wa a fool and could not live without you..however as it stands you would be a fool to keep seeing him. He will certainly repeat this behavior and then what. I know it hurts,but you deserve better-get out and stay out!

Hi everyone, so after more of the same – had a text yesterday about my instagram post and then nothing when i responded I thought I have nothing to lose so we had the following conversation:

Me
Is the distance between us at the moment your way of saying you are done? I thought everything was really good with us before your birthday and then it seemed to change, did something happen in particular to change your mind about things?
Him
I’m not being distant
Me
It feels to me that we aren’t talking at all, we arent spending time together at all, that feels like a lot of distance and lack of interest and very different to how things were before. If that’s the case and you are done then I would like to know so I can deal with it and move on.
Him
Friday we had lunch together, and was away the weekend.
And it’s you that’s not been replying to me. I’ve been perfectly fine.
You always seem to think the worst about for no reason at all and it’s still so insulting and hurtful…
Me
I am not attacking you. I have only ever wanted you to be happy, and I used to be confident that spending time with me made you happy. I feel like I am always reaching out at the moment but you aren’t always receptive. I don’t think I have ever been demanding but it’s hurtful to go days and weeks without hearing from you as it feels like you are not interested or you would reach out. If you were in my shoes would you not be a little confused? I dont think its unfair to ask if you are trying to tell me something. I can’t think of a time I have ignored you or not replied as I miss talking to you and knowing what’s going on with you.
Me
I am sorry if I have hurt you or insulted you but I also need to look after my own feelings too, and from my perspective there is distance that wasn’t there before and I don’t know why
Him
I wouldn’t because I’ve spoken to you and then had no reply from you. I don’t understand where you’re getting this from at all tbh
Him
This conversation happens way much more than it should

I hope everyone agrees but I think I said my feelings in an honest and open way and wasn’t aggressive or confrontational.

I am torn because he made out like I am being irrational but even if I was ( which I don’t think I am), I feel he has literally just fobbed me off, gone on the defensive that I am the one with the problem. Even if i was being crazy if i loved someone i would acknowledge what they have to say and that they feel a certain way.

His comments about this conversation happening before is nonsense, way back at the start months ago I questioned his feelings for me and he said it hurt so I never did again. Also I have only not replied if there was no reason to, like a flat statement.

I haven’t replied to the last message as I don’t really know what to say or even if it deserves a response. I actually feel less upset, I feel I have done everything I could, his reaction smacks of immaturity to me (he is a few years younger) so I think I can leave with my dignity intact and move on.

I guess I am hoping for some validation that I did the right thing?

You dated for 8 months, he pursued you, he said I love you first, he spent every day texting you and making plans. Things are going great except he never has that conversation making you officially his girlfriend. Then BAM! He ignores you for 2 weeks and wants to act like he’s not being distant, you’re the one who hasn’t been replying and he’s been “perfectly fine”. Then he gaslights you with “you always seems to think the worst about me for no reason at all and it’s still so insulting and hurtful.” Your reply should have been. No, what’s insulting and hurtful is to be dating someone for 8 months who says they love you, that they’re so happy and that I was perfect only to have them ignore me for 2 weeks and then try to act like everything is fine and it’s MY problem! That’s insulting!!

Men aren’t this clueless. He pursued you in the beginning and spent every day texting you and wanting to see you. Now he’s not. Something has changed and he won’t tell you what. My guess would be that an ex may have come back into the picture over the holidays and the 2 weeks he was MIA. Or there is something going on with the girl you were jealous of. Either way this isn’t how you want to be treated. This is where you put your foot down and tell him you two need to talk. Texting isn’t the way to go here. If he doesn’t want to meet and see you then you will have to end it. If he does want to meet explain to him that you’re not an idiot, something has changed between you and he can either address it or it is over. That you won’t be ignored for weeks at a time by someone you are dating and have them act like this is normal behavior.

I agree with Amanda and the D’sA.
He’s gaslighting you.

He is clearly not willing (or able) to tell you how he feels or what he wants.
All he is doing is turning it back on you and telling you that you are the one with the problem.
THIS alone should be enough for you to walk away.

This kind of man will never be a good partner because he cannot understand and see your side.
He is not willing or able to take responsibility for his actions.

This kind of man will never be able to discuss REAL issues in a relationship – division of household labour, mortgages, child rearing, caring for elderly parents etc. And these are the mundane, unexciting parts of a real relationship.
These are the kind of qualities you need to look for in a man from the start… and he has shown you he is immature and unable.
AND then he blames YOU for misunderstanding!!
No, no and NO…!!

I agree that you need to settle this once and for all.
If you are not willing to end it yourself and text him it is over and go NC, then talk to him IN PERSON.
Just tell him you are confused and then sit and listen…
Let HIM explain to you what is going on.

I think you told him how you feel, but he didn’t HEAR you.
He was too busy trying to think of how to talk his way out of it.
Plus it was over text, which makes it impossible to see body language, facial expressions etc.
ALWAYS have important conversations in person, no matter how uncomfortable it is for you.
It will be harder for him to gaslight or lie you in person.

I will bet he will try to smooth talk you into believing that YOU were the one who overreacted.
Personally, I would walk away and never give him another chance in my life.
He has said everything is fine, but has he PROVED that to you??

And please DON’T apologize to him any more!!
You have nothing to apologize for, and if anything HE should be the one apologizing to you!!

Jilly, I know how hard this is for you, because I lived it too.
I miss my friend and I miss him in my life.
Yes, I love him, but I love myself MORE and I have to keep reminding myself everyday that for WHATEVER REASON he is choosing not to be with me, and now he has chosen to be with someone else.

He knows how I feel, he knows I miss him and I *know* he thinks I am a great woman.
There is nothing more for me to do but keep my dignity.

Whatever you decide to do from here Jilly… keep your dignity!

Jilly – this is OVER. He is a CREEP. Please seek therapy to understand why you would drag this out. I say this with love. I attend therapy every week. It is a sacred hour. You should not be questioning anything about him or about yourself. He is DONE seeing you on a consistent basis and OF COURSE he doesn’t want to tell you hes done because this type of dude wants to keep you on his CHAIN.

You have NOT listened to the advice on this thread. No one told you to ask him to be upfront with you – because he WONT.

PLEASE read Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov. You need the education/advice desperately. Its one of the best dating books I’ve ever read.

T from NY –
Thanks for recommending Ask Polly.
EXACTLY what I need to be reading right now!