Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › confused and wondering what to do.
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 4 years, 7 months ago by
Sam.
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Curiosity2328
I was seeing the guy and he’s dealing with alot in his personal life. We both have kids, whom we share with their other parents. So we were talking everyday but only spending time together while the children were away and out work schedules permitted it. Anyways. He’s still dealing with court proceedings with his ex for custody and child support.
It seemed like it was going well with us, its been a long time since I’ve genuinely had feelings for someone and he made me feel like he felt the same for me I would catch him just smiling and he would say he didn’t even realize that he was or that I made him happy. He was always so sweet & he always picked me up and payed for most things. Until I told him that it would make me happy to pay for something. I don’t believe that the man has to pay for everything. Especially since I know he was struggling bcuz his ex was always asking for more money for their child. And his hours at work got cut.
He’s waaaaaayyy more laid back than I am, but he’s also kinda closed off. If that makes any sense ? He’s really bad and holding text conversations, but over the phone or in person he’s pretty amazing. He was just starting to open up about other stresses in his life, he said he didn’t like talking about it, but he felt like he just wanted to tell me.
Anyways. We had a little bit of an awkward moment which led to an awkward conversation about deciding if we wanted to continue or end things bcuz he didn’t want either of us to waste our time, we’re getting older and have kids so basically we both want to be seriously committed. Or so I thought. After that awkward night we didn’t speak for 24hrs and then he ended up telling me he thought it would be best for him to just focus on himself and his child. But that if I wanted to text him I could still message him as friends. We both still have each other on social medias. And I had ordered him something for his birthday that had shipping messed up, I got the original order and gave it to him in time but just received the “extra” if you will. And he doesn’t know that I bought something for his childs birthday too. They’re personalized for them specifically so I can’t very well give them to anyone else.
It hasn’t been that long since we spoke last. Maybe a week or so. I can’t stop thinking about him, I REALLY like him. But I’m also so stubborn that I probably won’t text him as a friend, what do I even say? Hey how are you ?!
Back to the matter of the gifts, he knew there was a shipping issue and there was a duplicate coming, but he doesn’t know about the gift I had personalized for his daughter. Should I message him or just suck up the shipping cost and mail it to his house? Do I even bother to message him as friends or just delete his number ?
Anon
Because you still have feelings for him, you really can’t just be friends. I would not message him. As for the gifts, I would send them to him and I would not expect anything in return for this, just a kind gesture on your part. In the future do not buy gifts for a guy/his child unless you are in a serious relationship where you are clearly bf-gf. He has clearly ended the relationship with you so take the mature way of handling this and move on from him. Best of luck
Raven
How long did you Two date?
kaye
I know I say this all the time but it’s really one of the best pieces of advice I can give you- STAY AWAY from men who are still in the process of divorce and dealing with child custody issues with the ex. As a matter of fact, it’s best not to date a guy until a year or two AFTER his divorce when he’s had time to process the loss, and deal with his feelings and what when wrong. Especially when a guy is kind of closed off and introverted. It can take them longer to deal with it than most. Even if it’s not divorce I tend to stay away from a guy who’s “dealing with alot in his personal life”. I had spent a lot of time healing from my divorce, unpacking the baggage as you will and I didn’t have time for a man who didn’t have his own act together in his life. It keeps you from dealing with those, awkward, “I think I need time to focus on myself and my child” breakup moments too. Add on financial issues in addition to the emotional and you have a man who doesn’t feel like he’s winning at life and isn’t ready for any kind of serious commitment.As far as his birthday gift, you’ve already given it to him, there is no need to give him the “extra” also. I would donate both his gift and the one for his child to charity or sell them on Ebay or a similar venue. Right now you are trying to come up with excuses, like the gifts, to contact him. I know because I’ve been there. It’s only been a week so give yourself time to grieve the relationship. And NEVER give a man who has dumped you a gift!! Have more respect for yourself.
Liz Lemon
I second everything Kaye said. Forget about the gifts. You’re using the gifts as a pretext to continue engaging with him. I totally understand the feeling. But don’t do it! If you can’t return them or sell them, just write them off. Personally my pride would not allow me to give a gift to a man who had just dumped me. Even if we were otherwise on good terms. It’s the principle of the thing.
And if you don’t have the personal pride, think of how he’ll feel receiving them– he’ll most likely feel very awkward, if he’s a decent guy. I know I’d feel very uncomfortable receiving gifts for myself and my child from a man I’d just dumped. What’s he supposed to tell his daughter, “so-and-so sent you this gift, but she won’t be coming over any more.” Awkward! So if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for him, since you obviously still care about him and his daughter (which is admirable).
I don’t know how long you dated, but of course you’re in pain. It’s natural to want to reach out. And it’s hard to imagine you won’t have this person in your life. About “staying friends”, for the moment you need time to heal, I would not try to stay friends. Just distance yourself. You can’t be expected to just switch to friend mode overnight with a man (and his children) that you were romantically involved with.
Newbie
I like to know if youre lynn and this is a follow up post after the talk you would have about the relationship. It thats true then most our guts this was a casual rebound for him turned out to be true, sorry to say.
Lynn or not, i think you need to walk away, dont be friends, youre still too attached up to the point you bought his daughter (who doesnt like you) a present and still wants to give it to her. But like liz said, you been dumped. Just because you wanted more. Walk awaySam
I also agree with the other posters. A conversation about you’re feelings should never feel awkward if you’re with the right guy and you’re both feeling the same feelings. It should feel relaxed and natural. I’m sorry you’re hurting, but please don’t use these gifts as an excuse to reach out. And please don’t be this guys friend, when you clearly want more. It will only lead to more hurt.
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