Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Confused by guys' behavior on fourth date
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M.
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CBHeart16
Hi everyone, just need some advice on someone I have gone out with a few times behavior that seemed a bit different last night to usual.
I met this guy towards the end of August on a dating app called The League. I haven’t had great dating app experiences in past in terms of ghosting/not a match but I wasn’t seeing anyone at the time so I figured why not go out with him, he seemed nice and funny.
Our first date was drinks on a Thursday and we had a really good time and great conversation about all sorts of things. Nothing too heavy but our interests and how we are both very curious people about the universe. He seemed to me like an interesting guy who has a great set of friends in my city and a fulfilled life, which is very important to me. We also discussed the topic of “ghosting”, and he told me he specifically would go out to coffee or call someone to tell them it’s over and doesn’t believe in doing that as it’s extremely hurtful. I thought this was refreshing since I’ve never had something end that wasn’t ghosting unless it was in a relationship. After the date he kissed me and texted me the next day to say he had fun and a bit throughout the weekend.
The Monday after that was a holiday and I was going into a very busy period at work, and he asked me to share a bottle of wine in the park that evening and I figured it’d be the best time to see him again because I wouldn’t be able to for a while. Again, we had great conversation and a really nice time for about two hours. He walked me home and kissed me while it was raining. It was quite the romcom date.
We chatted a bit throughout the week and became snapchat friends and he followed me on instagram.
The third date was the following Saturday, where we went to a wine bar and shared a bottle of wine. Again, great conversation. This time it became a bit heavy as the topic of marriage came up and our opinions on what it means to us. I was nervous I said too much but he seemed like he was very interested in what I had to say. It was also clear he had read a lot of articles about the industry I work in and was very engrossed in learning about it and listening to what I had to say, which is a nice change from a lot of the guys I’ve gone out with in the past. Overall he seems like a much nicer guy than what i’m used to. Afterwards, he kissed me outside of the wine bar and walked me to meet up with my friends, and stayed for a drink and chatted with them. He had to go home as he had to wake up early the next day to volunteer. I had a really nice time and all of my girlfriends thought he seemed very sweet and like he was making an effort. He kissed me again goodbye.
Anyways, the next week was crazed for the both of us at work, but he asked on Tuesday to hang out Sunday. We didn’t really chat the rest of the week, and Saturday night I figured I’d text him to see what he was up to.He wanted to meet up but I had been out during the day so I ended up going home fairly early so we did not meet up. The next day he called me to say he was volunteering but would be free to do something around 7 and would keep me posted. Then around that time, he texted me a screenshot of his old boss texting him that he was in town and inviting him to dinner and he said it would be rude if he didn’t go. I totally understood since work is very important to both of us so he said to take a raincheck but didn’t specify the day. He texted me again when he got home from the dinner to say he made the right move and to thank me for being understanding.
I texted him back the next morning on Monday and I guess he didn’t realize I asked a question because he didn’t text until Tuesday afternoon to say he didn’t see the question and answering it and asked how my week was going. He clearly was busy with work (based on social media) but said as soon as he knew his schedule he wanted to get on my calendar. He proposed Thursday night, maybe watching a movie. He texts me Wednesday night to say he’s open to a movie or maybe dinner since it will be nice out.
So anyways, last night was Thursday so we go to dinner at an open air restaurant sort of equidistant between where we live. The first thing he asks me upon his arrival is if I get flu shots, and I say I don’t because everytime I get them I feel really sick for a while after, with sore arm and flu symptoms. He’s like yes I got one today and just feel pretty awful. However, dinner went well, he asked me a ton of questions about my job again and we had nice, light-hearted conversation on a variety of topics. Nothing I said that could have been offensive, of course I’m now wondering if I talked too much but he kept asking questions and I was asking him some as well but I feel like I did more of the talking. Eye contact was great throughout meal and I realize I’m really starting to like this guy. After dinner, we go to a nearby park and continue talking for about 30 minutes on a bench. Then it’s getting sort of late so he gives me a HUG goodbye and doesn’t even try to kiss me and says “I’ll give you a shout this weekend”.
So now I’m totally confused. Is he completely over me? Maybe he hugged me because he wasn’t feeling well? It’s just super weird to me to go from kissing someone (peck and very light makeout) on first three dates to a hug goodbye on fourth. I walked home feeling sooo stupid and confused about what’s going on as everything seemed to be going well and I can’t understand how his feelings for me could have changed or maybe he was just having an off night due to not feeling well and tired from work.
I texted him about an hour ago a funny video in reference to something we were talking about (I know, I know, I probably should have waited for him to reach out but I figured it was on topic and ok to show a little interest by date four when he has always initiated) and I haven’t heard back yet, but he has put up a snapchat story. EVIL SOCIAL MEDIA!! So now I’m extra insecure and automatically assume ghosting, even though I think he would at least have the decency to tell me he wasn’t feeling it anymore.
I’m still obviously open to seeing others as this is not close to serious or exclusive but I just haven’t met anyone else lately so he is the only one I’m dating and the first refreshing guy I’ve met in some time who seems to have his life together and be relationship oriented. Based on social media, I can see he had a GF he broke up with in Feb and another girlfriend before that so I don’t think he’s a manwhore or serial dater kind of guy.
L
CB
I think you have some anxiety with the “ghosting” and it is taking over. I definetly agree that it is weird he was not as attentive the 4th date and the fact he mentioned the flu shot could very well be it.
At this point 4 dates is not a lot..still the getting to know phase. So you really don’t know him well enough to say I am crazy about this guy.
I would relax take a seat back and see what he does from here on. Positive thoughts!
Hannah
Quite honestly only time will tell!
But he did feel sick so he probably wasn’t at his best on the date. If I felt sick I wouldn’t kiss anyone either. Yes it could have been the flu shot or he may actually be becoming I’ll. I wouldn’t want to pass it on to anyone. So maybe it was just that?
Just see if he does give you a shout this weekend. There’s no point worrying about it.
Hannah
Ill not I’ll!
Jade
How much talking did he do during your dates? Did he talk about himself?
CBHeart16
He talks a good amount, but he is very interested in asking questions and learning about me and seems quite fascinated by my job. I’d say 60% me/40% him. He def did talk last night, and I asked questions about him as well, so it wasn’t one sided.
Jade
That’s good to hear bc it’s important for the guy to know you’re interested in learning all about him too, especially his job. Maybe just wait and see! Try not to worry to much, if possible.
Peggy
Testing
Amanda Rocks
Sorry you seem to be analysing and over thinking this so much. You already done the full social media, checked out the ex gf stuff too. I can really feel your intensity and after 4 dates its too much. He will sense this too dont doubt that for a second and there you have it boom he ghosts. Sorry to be harsh but its true. You need to chill and just be bright and breezy with your dating. Stop being hung up on their every word and move and just let things unfold. Be a bit cool and playful too but let the man lead. x
Lane
I agree with the others that you come off rather tense because your already anticipating the fade and getting ready for it!
You cannot date this way. You really need to stop over analyzing everything and just enjoy each date as they occur, if he plans another one, great, if not it just means the other person want feeling it.
Do not reach out after a date . It really is best to allow the man some time to process how he’s feeling about you, and if a guy is really interested he will keep planning dates…its just how they operate.
CBHeart16
Hey everyone,
Thank you so much for taking the time to give me advice.So he just texted me saying he’s enjoyed getting to know me but doesn’t feel the spark necessary to continue. I completely appreciate his honesty and not ghosting, of course it is still a bad sad as I was starting to like him. Also impossible not to try and pinpoint what I did wrong or when he changed his mind, but I guess that is a waste of time.
It’s just hard to not take it personally when I feel like this happens relentlessly – they either ghost or end it withuot really getting to know me. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing wrong that no one finds me worth it enough or feels a connection with me to stick around. OR if I should just chalk it up to not being meant to be and that I just haven’t met the right guy yet. I think it is a combination of the two, but I don’t know. I think I have a hard time showing vulnerability but I follow most of the advice here – let the man lead, don’t revolve your life around a guy, have your own life and interests, etc. etc. I just feel like I’m constantly let down and let go.
In many instances it has been that the guys are just immature and not really looking for anything, but I think this was a nice guy and I guess he just didn’t feel it. It’s just so hard not to let it get to you and to keep optimism that you will find what you want. I am only 25 but I would like to have marriage and children so it’s hard not to lose hope, especially in a city like NYC where people seem to be so selfish and all my friends struggle yet then I walk around and see so many couples and want that. UGh.
Kate
To the OP – I didn’t even read your post because it was SO long, just the first paragraph. I think you need to relax and go with the flow. Only the guy knows what he’s thinking, and if you obsess over small details that don’t matter (I know you do because of how long your post is), that attitude is going to drive you crazy over time. Don’t worry, just be happy.
Meemee
oP – I don’t think you did anything wrong… It really is just a matter of he is looking for something else that you might not be/have…
What could that something else be? God knows, and it could totally be something super stupid…so no need to beat yourself up over it..
I went on a date a few days ago with a guy, tall, good job, similar age… Everything on my checklist…. But I just don’t feel it… Guess why, because his head is unpropertionally big… I am sure people would say I am stupid to judge a person by that , but I can’t help it…so no need to try to figure out what went wrong, just tell yourself it is not a good match , and move on
Shannon
CBHeart16, I could have written that post where you got let down. I feel the exact same way. Again and again and again. So much so that I’ve taken a break from dating. I’m just sick of getting my hopes up only to be rejected. So you’re definitely not alone.
Amanda Rocks
Sorry this has happened but as I said you have the wrong attitude with dating, men are sensing your over analysing, thinking, fears and intensity and its turning them off. They can feel the pressure. You need to get yourself into a better place and stop putting pressure on yourself to meet the right guy and settle down. You will but you need to relax and enjoy the dating journey first. See yourself as the prize and that you choose them not them choose you. x
SthrnBelle
I think many times it is your vibe. I have to say that some people are simply born with more easy-going charm than others. That too can be affected by life events. I had periods in my life where I felt I completely lost it, I was not able to laugh the same way or enjoy life and that reflected on my dating life. Men can feel this. Sometimes it is a lack of experience especially positive experience in dating, so you should just go on and learn to enjoy yourself effortlessly and do not date just one guy at a time but date as many as you can an you may be interested in. I think you did nothing wrong except that towards the end he probably felt that you became tense. There is also the thing that you have about 1 minute to impress a guy. I do believe it is true. Men become instantly infatuated with certain women. They may give time to the others but usually those efforts fade out. Why a man becomes infatuated with you? Impossible to say. Some will and some will not, chemistry and again your charm have to do with it, the more positive you are the better chances you will have and you have to realize this has nothing to do with how much your worth is.
Shannon
I’m not so convinced that it’s anything you’re doing wrong. You only reached out to this forum and started overanalyzing things AFTER you sensed something was funny following the fourth date, the other three dates you were confident and thought things were on the right track. You only started getting anxious when you sensed his growing lack of interest. Your anxiety and over analyzing was IN RESPONSE to your feeling of growing distance and disinterest from him. It wasn’t there when he was showing interest.
Personally, I think the outcome would have been the same whether you got anxious or didn’t get anxious. He decided at some point he wasn’t feeling it and you picked this up from him which made you question everything because his words and actions and effort was not matching.
Men are not mind readers. They don’t KNOW that we’re sitting there discussing everything they do with our friends. We like to think that somehow they know this so we can blame ourselves for when they don’t like us back to give us the illusion of control. The truth is we have very limited control over how someone feels about us. All you can do is put your best foot forward and if that’s not enough for him, there’s nothing you can do.
Amanda Rocks
Shannon we got a running commentary of every move that was made from start to finish. Everything had been noted, analysed, dissected. Its not healthy behaviour of course men can sense it Eric writes a whole article on it. Its the main problem women have with men or vice versa lol. x
Jade
Yes. Men totally sense when a woman starts over analyzing everything (which, unfortunately, happens once they start liking a guy) and they get turned off bc they start to feel pressure (which is never fun). I understand it’s hard to say “stop worrying/caring so much” but I believe it IS the root of the problem in all of your posts, CB.
alia
The thing about analyzing without much data (don’t know the guy) is that it is mostly speculativeand comes across pressumptous and controlling. It inevitably creates expectations that may not be based on reality. It’s hard to deal with a new relationship, when there are expectations. It’s hard enough to get to know someone, let alone meet expectations that are not based on the person at hand, but what you think this person should be. It’s like a big misunderstanding. I suggest you ask lots and lots of questions, get to know the guy before you even consider “dating” him, I bet you will be turned off much quicker yourself and you will dump a lot more guys when you see the real them instead of clinging to the idea of them.
Omi G
I have to agree with Meemee, SthrnBelle, and alia – it’s a vibe they can feel it. Even though you think you are acting cool. Men gets this vibe/energy and it reeks desperation. How many other men are you talking to besides this one? I bet none, if you had more men talking to you, you wouldn’t be feeling down right now at all. You would know that you are wonderful and if this guy didn’t feel the spark who cares? Next.
I think you need some self esteem help, we all do once in awhile. We all pick ourselves up when we get like this. Do it with pride. Most healthy emotional women won’t really care about a man this early on, it takes time to start liking them. What reasons do you have for liking him? what has he done that has swept you off your feet? What is his character like when he’s happy, mad, sad? You probably don’t know, yet those are the qualities you should be liking.
Shannon
Oh bull. Because she sent him a link to a video, he somehow got a vibe that she’s desperate, is analyzing every single thing on here, has low self esteem, is too invested etc etc…
I think we all tend to give men more credit than they’re due. They are not emotional creatures. They do not pick up vibes the way we do. Stop expecting men to be like women that can sense things and have an intuition.
More likely in the middle of scratching his balls he suddenly decided, “I think I’m feeling Women A more than Women B because she has bigger boobs but I’ll go out with Woman B one more time to make sure.”
Meanwhile everyone on here is acting like he’s this Svengali with an IQ of 200. Men are a lot simpler than that. We’re the ones that are complicated and read into everything.
Omi G
Bottom line is, she got too invested before truly getting to know him. we all have experienced that. The signs she described aren’t telling me he’s interested in her at all. I think her vibe was too invested to early, 4 dates is nothing. We all get over eager when we think we like somoene this early on and depending on how much she has been dating she will eventually understand that, this has nothing to do with the video.
Omi G
@CBHeart16
I don’t think he’s ghosting, just relax…I agree with L – I would relax take a seat back and see what he does from here on. Positive thoughts!
Jade
Men CAN be emotionally driven. I think a lot of women on here are having such crappy luck with men because they’re convinced that they’re so much more different than women. That’s probably where all the over thinking and second guessing comes from.
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