Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Confused by this response from FWB
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Lane.
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Kate
I was in a relationship with this guy on and off for about a year. I broke things off a few weeks ago because I felt he was treating me poorly (ignoring my texts for hours, not wanting to spend time with me). He took it well and we agreed to remain friends. A few days ago a friend of mine passed away. He had been through something similar so I reached out to him for help/advice. This is the beginning of the reply he sent me. Note: he never mentioned any kind of mental health problems to me before. Is this a backhanded way of him saying to leave him alone? Could he have been seeing other people and gotten me confused with what he told someone else? I don’t want to confront him and look like a crazy person. Here’s part of what he sent:
Hi. I’m really sorry to hear about xxx. I’m not mad at you at all and I want to be a good, supportive friend. What therapy is helping me notice is that by maintaining certain relationships, I’m devoting too much emotional energy to places that are probably hurting my mental well being. I want to move towards radical acceptance of my situation, so my distance from you and anything else that threatens my health seems to be the best option right now. I’m making good progress on it and have effectively separated from everything. You’ve helped with that by being understanding and respecting my desire to be kinder with myself. Having said that, I really feel for your situation and I understand how sad it must be what you’re going through right now. I know that you recognize the effort I’m making to get to a healthy place, so to have you reach out and ask for help must mean that you’re really hurting.
All of this makes absolutely no sense. Is he trying to tell me to go away in some weird way?
Raven
@Kate, Sorry for the loss of your friend…
Your friend is asking for you not to contact him.
Maddie
Was this your first time really reaching out as a friend, with any actual depth to it?
I think you should take this as you made the right decision by ending things. Usually being on and off over longer periods of time, especially casually, means there’s something incompatible that you haven’t been able to overcome, not that you’re drawn back together each time for a reason and must be good together. (I’ve learned this from having on-off relationships too.) If you were just FWB, the transition to really be just friends can be difficult or even impossible for one or both parties, and it may take some time to realize that even if you both thought at first that it was doable. He’s clearly dealing with a lot of his own stuff and already was distancing from you before the end of your arrangement. Regardless of whether or not his actual reply is confusing, it is not confusing that he doesn’t have good capacity to be a good friend to you right now. And while it’s painful to hear, he doesn’t owe it to you either. “Confronting” isn’t about not looking crazy, it simply won’t change the current situation since you’re both going through things and have separated already. It’s better for you to thank him for his response and just leave it, and lean on other people you’re close to instead for support during this difficult time.
I’m sorry for your loss.
AngieBaby
FWB rarely ends well. I can’t think of anyone I know who’s done FWB and when it came to an end was still able to maintain a friendship with that person. It’s just too weird. Clearly this guy was going through stuff you had no idea was happening and he did NOT take your ending it as well as you thought he did.
This is a very convoluted, overly polite way of saying he doesn’t want to/isn’t available to be friends and to leave him alone. To his credit, he’s trying very hard not to hurt your feelings and cause you damage while you’re grieving a loss but this part is crystal clear:” my distance from you and anything else that threatens my health seems to be the best option right now.”
If I were you I would not respond, it sounds like he’s dealing with a lot. If you do respond, I’d keep it very short – “Thanks for clarifying, I understand and will not make further contact. Wishing you all the best.” Then I’d delete him from my phone and consider your relationship of any kind completely over.
Tammy
Hes telling you that he cant be a friend to you presently. You shld either take his response as no he cant help you and leave it at that or simply text him that you understand. And that you wont bother him again.
Lane
Like the others said, he is not capable of being your friend. He is telling you that he is trying to deal with his own issues/problems; and through therapy, is learning how to set healthier boundaries for himself by disconnecting with people who don’t add to his happiness.
You in essence backtracked by telling him you were moving on, which he was perfectly OK with, then reached back out and tried to pull him back in again. The fact you used the death of a friend most likely conjured up a lot of painful memories for him, and why he feels compelled to slam the door. Best to let this door to stay shut.
I have a good [platonic] friend who not only lost his best friend to a drunk driver but lost his only daughter in a tragic accident the next year, and trust me, he is the LAST PERSON I would reach out too for comfort because all it would do is conjure up all kinds of painful memories for him. In the future, when you end it with someone it needs to be over, and keep that door shut. The they want to re-open it at some point in the future, only then can you decide how wide you want to open it, or not re-open it at all. In this case, I would just keep it closed forever as he clearly has nothing good or positive to offer you, and should probably take this time to build some healthier boundaries for yourself :o)
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