Confused, sad and possibly violated?

If there is a hiddn cam there, thn he shld hv told you. Especially since u guys hv gotn close in his office. And you walk arnd there naked. Keeping that a secret is just not acceptable…
Take a couple of days till u have yourself under control. Thn ask him about it. And if there is a hiddn cam, pls stick around long enuff to get the same deleted!!

Once thats done, pls be done with him..what he did is unacceptable and inexcusable. Noone has the right to film you naked widout ur permission. Period.

This could actually hv serious ramifications in case he dsnt delete your nude footage. If he isnt willing thn you may hv to file criminal charges agnst him..

But before any of that just ask him calmly. Maybe you were mistaken..

Thank you for your advices but mostly for your validation. I was mentally battling with this issue because I felt partially guilty for snooping- but in my heart I knew it wasn’t a random snoop. I genuinely felt something off with those goggles. When I think about it, I do feel violated. I also feel betrayed. Normally I wouldn’t think twice about what I need to do but it’s hard because I feel I know this person outside of a romantic relationship. He’s generally a sweet person. Another thing that makes figuring out what to do challenging is that there was a time where the ex would send her brothers to harass him, both at work and his house. This was a period where he genuinely felt unsafe and I totally get why that would make him get surveillance in the house. It’s the part where he failed to disclose to me that I’m battling with- especially given that a conversation on the topic was once had. This man has ticked all my boxes in terms of what I seek in a partner, infact he has gone beyond them. I just don’t know if a couple can recover from something such as this? He texted to apologize and to say he understands why I’m upset. He said Im welcome to go over and clear out all the footage he has (that way I’m certain it’s gone) but I don’t know if that’s enough. Im just so confused.

He texted because I haven’t been taking his calls. I haven’t spoken to him. I guess he figured text was the only way to reach me.
@Raven, please don’t be under the impression that I do not know what I *logically* need to do. I do know. But I think we can all admit that there are instances in life that one simply can’t apply logic. That being said, I’d like to know from the community here if they feel me contemplating anything other than what I logically should be doing is realistic? Like can a couple/ I get past this- realistically. Would it be sensible to ask for some time off to gather myself and figure out what would be best for me. Those are the kind of insights I seek.
I appreciate you being outraged on my behalf, it makes me feel like this is as serious as I think it is but I also need constructive feedback. Hope this doesn’t offend you.

I think asking for some time to think is perfectly reasonable. This is a huge violation and a huge shock, so it’s understandable that you’re stunned. And it’s hard to break up with someone when things have otherwise seemed to have been going well, when something major like this happens out of the blue.

Maybe counseling for yourself would help? Do you have friends and/or family you could talk to about this? Does he REALLY understand why what he did is wrong? It’s easy to say he does over text, but how can he prove to you and reassure you that he won’t violate your trust again? Those are things to consider while you’re taking some time to yourself, to think.

Why are you worried about fairness? This guy broke your trust by video tapping you without your consent or knowledge for who knows what purpose and you are worried about what is fair to him?

Trust once broken is almost never repaired. You may need time to process that part. Do you think you’d ever feel comfortable again in any of “his” areas? Do you want to constantly be questioning if that knick knack, picture frame, set of goggles has a camera in it?

Are you absolutely sure has hasn’t put your images/videos on the explicit websites? It’s not like he just forgot to tell you the camera was set up and recording. That’s not something you forget to tell your partner of almost a year.

You should talk to him to find out why he did this without telling you and what he “understands” about why you are now upset. In addition to the issues this creates in regards to questions around can you trust him and if he hid this what else might he hide, you should consider if it’s worth having a partner who can’t properly communicate with you about serious topics and one who sounds like he doesn’t trust anyone else, including you, if he’d set up a secret camera. Dating someone who can’t trust others is a huge problem, as they will often sabotage relationships out of what they sincerely believe are reasonable defense mechanisms for self protection. Talk to him and then take time to think about whatever he says plus these concerns as well. Sometimes it does take a minute for emotion and feelings to catch up to logic, but they get there eventually.

Only possible answer to staying together:

A. Get rid of it and any others (very possible) and fess up
B. Guarantee all is erased
C. Joint therapy to understand why he did it and what will do to make sure it never happens again
D. One strike and you are out

..on a more sober mind note, I’ve screenshot and will continue to screenshot everything from him with regards to this and have it sent to my lawyer. Just so I have a stronger case should it ever come to getting law enforcement involved.

So glad go see you are weighing in all your options. What am concerned about most right now are those intimate footage clips.

All posters have given their views. Think over carefully, take your time and do meet and talk to him should you feel ready. Thats probably going to help you figure just what you should do going ahead.

I just dont get how he could not hv told that there is a cam on and recording your most provate moments!! Just cant get over that! Makes me think what a creep!! How disgusting and how low can one stoop to? I mean these are the things that immediately come to mind. Yuck! What a creep!

You sound quite sensible so am not sure if you can put this kind of violation aside and move on. That seems possible only if you guys go for joint counselling where you can really understand why he did what he did..

I have to disagree with Ewa, just because his ex trashed his place doesn’t mean he did something extreme that drove her to it. There are plenty of unstable people out there, both men and women. If a guy trashes a woman’s place, we don’t assume she “deserved” it. So I don’t think we should assume this guy “deserved” to have his ex trash his place, or that he made her crazy. He could have legitimately been a victim– we don’t know the background. And people avoid pressing charges all the time (domestic violence victims, for example) just because they don’t want to deal with the legal hassle.

But that doesn’t excuse him from what he’s done now. It’s a huge violation of trust. The more I think about it, the more disturbing it is. He KNEW there was a camera (maybe there’s more than one?), and yet he let you walk around naked, he had sex with you in the room!– knowing that the camera was recording you. That’s just so awful.

A – if I were you, I’d be deeply shocked and angry. I’d text him and say you need to time to process the fact that he’s had that camera there for a while and hasn’t told you on the many occasions that he could have and SHOULD HAVE, plus has straight up LIED about it when asked directly what it it was. And that he needs to leave you alone until you contact him. And then take at least a week or two to gather yourself. I wouldn’t be trying to make a decision about what to do about him in this state. I’d just be taking care of me.

I think you’ve received enough advice to know you are right to be outraged so I’m going to let what the others rightly said stand.

I would not be talking with friends and family about this – I’d get to a counselor to process it.

And there is no way to know what happened between him and his ex so I wouldn’t even speculate about that, it’s irrelevant here. The bottom line is if anyone has a hidden security camera in their home where it might catch someone in a private moment – without their clothes on, using the bathroom, having sex, etc. – they owe it to any person who spends time there regularly to disclose the fact that the camera is there.

You have choices what to do about him. Either you can decide this is heinous enough that you need to terminate the relationship with no further input from him or you can ask him to explain himself. You can believe or disbelieve what he says. If you don’t believe him, it’s over. If you believe him and decide to continue, it’s going to take a long time to rebuild the trust that’s been broken here and it’s definitely one more strike and he’s out forever.

Whatever your decision, I would be putting in writing into an email or registered letter a brief explanation of what happened and that you want proof that all footage of you has been destroyed.

My favorite aunt says that if you don’t have trust in a relationship, you have nothing… and what are you doing in it if that’s the case??

Please let us know how you are doing as this situation unfolds. So sorry you have to experience this.

Again, thank you to everyone who has taken time to try help me navigate this situation. It really means a lot because I haven’t spoken to anyone close to me about it- except for one friend who recently moved overseas. I think I told her because I’m honestly scared of sharing this with anyone who’s in close proximity in fear of what they might do or say to him.
I received a rather lengthy email from him. First to apologize and I guess also to explain himself. He says he recognises that there’s no excuse for his behaviour and that he won’t try to justify it with reasons. Just that he’s willing to do whatever it’ll take to mend things. He says he overlooked telling me about the surveillance because he knew he wouldn’t do anything shady with the footage. He says he ideally wouldn’t like for us to split but that he’ll understand if that’s the path I take. He says he would prefer me being there when the surveillance gets taken down so I’m sure it’s gone and that I’m welcome to get an expert to do a thorough check for any others.
I believe his intentions with the surveillance weren’t foul, as in he wasn’t recording me for sinister purposes. That’s my honest truth with regards to that. It’s the gaslighting approach, the blatant lie and the deception that I have a big issue with. It’s the nonchalant regard to the kind of damage this can do to a woman’s life. Which makes me wonder, can a person who’s capable of this actually evolve? Can they do better?
I don’t think I’m in a position to make a decision with regards to the future of our relationship. I think the only sensible thing I can do right now is get psychological and emotional help. I just want to not have all these emotions to deal with at once. One moment I’m enraged, the next I’m sad and then just full on despair. It sucks. I want to have it all together so I can make a sound decision.