Confused, sad and possibly violated?

the fact that you were there all the time and he ‘s not even once mentioned the cameras is a bit odd, if he was doing it for security reasons then it is even more strange that he didn’t tell you, so to me he knew exactly why he didn’t mention it to you,
this whole story is starting to sound like something from a book, where a woman has really good relationship and then finds out that her partner is not who she thought he is.

I think it’s very telling that you’re afraid to talk to close friends and family (any at all) about this because you’re afraid of what they’ll say. I can understand not broadcasting it to everyone, but if you feel you can’t tell anyone at all, I think deep down you know it’s pretty cut and dried. It’s a shocking betrayal of trust.

If you hadn’t sought out and found the camera, he never would have told you. So I question his apology– he’s sorry he was caught, sure. But I question whether he really thought he was doing anything wrong. He’s let you walk around naked and have sex with you (!) in front of this camera for a year and it never crossed his mind that he was doing something wrong?! He never intended to confess or take it down– he’s only doing it now because he was caught.

I think she is afraid to tell her family in case she decided to stay with him

Read these words from Liz again & again & again:

He never intended to confess or take it down– he’s only doing it now because he was caught.

My advice was to take 1-2 weeks just to deal with the shock and gather your thoughts before even attempting to start the process of decision making on this situation. It will for sure take longer than 1-2 weeks to unpack all of this and get clarity on what to do with the relationship, and then clear the bad feelings from this incident before moving on.

I find his email… troubling. And he dug himself an even deeper hole. He’s not even going to try to explain because there are no excuses?? Ummmmm that’s a MAJOR cop-out. If your relationship has even a whisper of a chance to continue, he needs to provide a full explanation of exactly what he was thinking when he willfully and deliberately 1) either put the camera up there or had it up there previous to the start of your relationship and didn’t tell you 2) lied to you about it when you asked and 3) lied to you again when he asked you what you were doing up there and lectured you about respecting privacy. If he won’t make the effort to do that, he will not make the efforts needed to repair the damage here.

Yes. You see this. HE IS A LIAR who is not sorry for what he did, only sorry that he got caught, based upon his response. And that’s why he’s not going to explain himself. He probably doesn’t really think he did anything wrong.

Dealing with liars is a slippery slope. Minor lies are one thing. But this is a huge ongoing lie. If he lied about something this big, then I can almost guarantee he lies about other things. And you know why liars can never trust anyone else? Because they are so untrustworthy themselves that they can’t conceive of someone else being honest.

You are most certainly not losing a good friend and a potential lifelong partner. Flip your lens. You’re only losing the illusions you had about him. You are finding out the truth: he was never really either of those things.

People can do crazy things and harbor deep secrets. My mom was friends with a woman who was engaged to marry a rock star who was big in the 70s. This guy was staying with the woman’s younger sister at the sister’s home. He regarded her as his own little sister, they had a good relationship. One day the sister accidentally discovered a battery powered hidden camera in either her bedroom or bathroom, I can’t remember which. She and her BF confronted him and he broke down and admitted he’d made a bad mistake and couldn’t explain why he’d done it. They told him he had a few days to go and tell his fiancee himself what he’d done or they were going to tell her. He asked them for one more day than the deadline they gave him and then he’d tell her. What he did on that day was go shopping for the supplies to commit suicide, which he then proceeded to do. Lead singer of a big name 70s band. Everyone who knew him was beyond shocked and no one has ever been able to understand why he would do such a thing or what his purpose was of taking the footage.

True story.

There is no telling what he planned to do with the footage. My first thought is, stuff like that ends up on the internet. My sense is his intent wasn’t good or he would have simply told you he had a camera in there for security reasons, and then if you were going to have sex there he could have shut it off first. What bothers me intensely is there was just no reason not to tell you it was there and no reason to lie when you asked what it was.

I can’t tell you what to do. All I’m going to say is… take your time to make a decision so when you make it you have absolute clarity that either you’re done or you’re going to take the risks of giving him another chance. And be clear on what those risks are. Then you won’t second guess yourself later. I know what I’d do… but it’s your life, not mine. And if it were me, I’d deal with this privately and then tell your friends and family later. They are going to be as shocked and outraged as we are, and they’re going to tell you to dump him immediately. But it’s your life and your choice. I would hate for you to decide to dump him and have second thoughts or regrets later, go and give him another chance and have it blow up on you. I’m sure if you did that your friends and family wouldn’t be supportive.

Take the time to think this through and look at all the possible outcomes. I will add… he is hardly the only man you will ever meet!! Many more who will treat you better and never even dream of pulling a stunt like this.

Again, I’m so sorry and as you can see, we all support you here.

I’m with AngieBaby on the non-apology. She articulated it well. I had an icky feeling about his “apology” too and couldn’t quite put a finger on it, but she said it well. He’s not going to bother to explain? Because he’s lazy, that’s why. If he really thought it was wrong I think he’d be more repentant.

Thanks girls. Let’s be crystal clear about what’s gone on here. In the United States, audio or video recording someone in a private home where they have “reasonable expectation of privacy”, which you certainly did, is a criminal state and federal offense. If you’re in another country, I’m sure there are similar laws. Plus, in 42 states plus Washington DC, there are laws specifically against revenge porn. You don’t have to escalate the situation by threatening legal action right now, just be aware that what he did is criminal. I’d be having all my conversations with him in writing to protect yourself. I really hope he hasn’t done anything with the footage.

As a side note: I have cameras in my business that everyone can see but what none of my customers or employees know is that I have “audio” too. That is something I have intentionally kept from them, not for any nefarious purposes such as listening in to hear what they are saying when I’m not there, although I could, I use it for those times when I have a customer complaint, or an issue that arises where I not only need to see it but “hear it” in order to determine the best course of action I need to take.

Just providing a different lens as to *why* people do the things they do that really aren’t intended to hurt anyone but to protect themselves. That audio has been very useful to me on many occasions, as no one knows it exists because it would defeat the whole purpose at getting to “the real truth” because I am told two different stories, whereas, the audio tells me the real story, so I know who is being truthful and who is not.

It sucks that I was compelled to do this when the first major issue arose between a customer and employee where I couldn’t discern what was actually being said just by looking at the camera. The camera and what my employee told me didn’t jive so adding the audio became necessary so I could have an accurate detail of what actually transpired. Unfortunately this is the world we live in today where some need to take these kind of steps/precautions to “protect” [key word] themselves, which is why I am able to see this situation logically v. emotionally.

Lane – your advice is usually spot on but you’re dead wrong on this one. You’re drawing parallels that are irrelevant. Having cameras in your public place of business is one thing and perfectly legal. Having a nanny cam to check on an employee minding your kids is perfectly legal. It is ILLEGAL to record someone in private without their permission. End of the story. He had a camera rolling while they were having sex and when she walked around without any clothes on. And he deliberately lied repeatedly about the camera being there.

I don’t give a hoot what “trust issues” this guy has – then it’s on him to get to counseling and handle it BEFORE he dates another woman and lets her into his home. He was “violated” so it’s OK for him to violate her and she should stand in his shoes and try to understand? No. Absolutely not. He could be criminally prosecuted for this, that’s how serious it is.

There is a lot of info here and I rarely disagree with Lane but I want to mention that audio and video surveillance in businesses can be tricky from state to state. Pennsylvania requires businesses to post that there is audio and video surveillance happening. Employees have a right to know they are being recorded within the walls of the business. I believe that is a state by state thing. My office does have both. We have it posted with a sticker on one of our outer windows. If we didn’t, we would be illegally recording.

I agree that there is a massive difference between recording people in a public place (an office, business, workplace) where there is no expectation of privacy, versus recording someone in a private space– your home, a bathroom, a dressing room– where they have a reasonable expectation of privacy.

What’s particularly disturbing about this particular situation is that the guy let it go on for so long. When the OP brought up security cameras in a conversation, he didn’t take the opportunity to fess up. And then tried to gaslight her when confronted. And, didn’t even offer an explanation or excuse as to why he did it– as Tammy said, on what basis can you forgive someone and move on, when they refuse to explain why they did something so violating?

So in this case it wasn’t JUST that he recorded her, it’s the way he did it, and the way he handled the aftermath.

The lady was betrayed by her own bf! I dont know but i smhow feel this is worst thn hving a fling or sm tawdry affair behind her back. He has clippings of them hving sex and she in the nude without her knowledge. How can that be justified? Lives hv been wrecked due to revenge porn! This is not just one mistake. This thing that he did is betryal of the biggest kind! He violated her, betrayed her trust. Yuck. Wht a low lying creep. Gives me the creep! Not sure wht to feel. Anger, disgust, dread or betrayed! Guess all 4. I really really feel for this woman.
And the worst part? He didnt even try to explain why!!! If she didnt undrstnd the mindset how the hell can she even begin to think of forgiving?

Am sorry if i sound very vehement here. But wht he did was truly horrendous. Agree with angie n liz. And totally get why they so angry! I feel the same. Biggest form of betrayal!