Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Conversational Narcissist?
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sp.
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sp
I’m noticing in my text conversations with a guy I’ve been dating that the text conversations usually center on something related to myself and rarely on topics related to him. When we talk in person though, I’m fairly certain we have a good mix of back and forth, I tend to be chatty but it’s definitely much more balanced.
I AM interested in what he has to say though, and I don’t notice this happening with friends or anyone else. But I notice that through text when I ask him how he’s doing, he doesn’t say much about his day and asks me about myself. If I give any details, he’ll continue and ask more, or if I start a conversation with something from my day, he’ll also talk more about it. When he starts conversations, he usually asks me about how I’m doing. I am a bit hesitant also to ask him about himself when we text, since a little while ago I sensed a hint of maybe annoyance when I asked about his day since it’s same old over quarantine for him, as I guess it is for many people. I kind of figure that if he wanted to talk about himself, he could bring something up, but since he isn’t, he might not want to. I think my work and living situation also might have more day-to-day variation and events. Not saying that I think I’m a more interesting person or anything, but it might be easier for me to start conversations right now because of that. In person, he’s been very open and will share a lot, but even before quarantine I noticed he wouldn’t talk about himself too much over text, but now it’s even more so.
We’re still quarantining apart due to a situation with someone high-risk, so we mainly text and I don’t want to come across as self-centered if it doesn’t already. Am I being a conversational narcissist by not trying harder to ask him about himself? Does anyone have tips on how to start a conversation or steer the conversation away from me, but also avoid seeming intrusive or annoying to answer?
Lane
Hmmm, this is a tough one because of the circumstances because it could very well be has nothing to say other than, I played video games all day, and not something that would be a good daily topic of conversation.
I would use less texting as that really shouldn’t be your primary mode of communication as its the TOP TWO reasons so many dating and relationships fail today. Yup, it creates too many problems that wouldn’t be there if you carved out some time to TALK to each other, that way you have both the “verbal” and “non-verbal” cues to determine if he’s playing a video game, hence why he doesn’t want to text, and leaves all the typing to you lol
sp
That’s kind of what I figure too. We’re talking a bit less often now, so I really feel like it’s just all about me now. But I’m also not sure if he no longer wants to just talk about me all the time, or if it’s because if his day is just the same old at home, there’s not much to talk about. I’m a bit afraid that if I call or video, we might also not have a lot to talk about since that’s happening with some of my friends and coworkers.
Liz Lemon
How long were you dating before the quarantine?
Can’t you talk about current events, movies, music, books– in other words, things that aren’t affected by being quarantined? What about emailing him an interesting article (about a topic you’d both be interested in- my boyfriend and I share cool/interesting articles all the time). Those might be easier topics for him if he’s stuck at home because of the quarantine.
I totally understand not having much to say about your day if you don’t leave the house, but there are other ways to make conversation beyond telling someone what you did that day. It’s definitely tough, however. And my boyfriend is a private person too, and uncomfortable texting deeply personal stuff, so I understand this guy. That’s why giving him topics like books, movies, music, current events etc can make it easier for him– he can still talk to you, and you can get a feel for what he’s like as a person based on his opinions and tastes, but he’s not put on the spot with really personal questions. Hopefully the situation will end soon and you can get together in person.
sp
In terms of topics, we loved talking about sports, so now it’s hard because all we can say is how much we miss sports. We also used to talk about current or upcoming movies or shows, but those are also on hold and we’re pretty bored of streaming TV. We used to talk about current events more, but we’ve discussed the pandemic so much at this point as well, and we generally steer clear of politics. Sometimes I feel like it’s hard keeping conversations alive, and I would not want him getting annoyed at trying to keep up a dying conversation. And even if it is easier for me to have news from my daily life to talk about due to the nature of my work and situation, I also almost feel like I’m bragging when I keep mentioning funny or interesting stories or what I do, like “look at everything I still have going on.” Maybe should I cut down on frequency and go for more sporadic check ins (once a week or two weeks?), given we won’t be seeing each other for more time due to health reasons?
sp
I only mentioned weekly check ins or less frequent, because I just got off the phone with a very close friend of many years, and we were running out of things to talk about. My friend and I are normally both so talkative, but it seems like we’ve already discussed so many things, and it’s all “same as last time week” once we both tell a few stories. I generally don’t call this guy, since I don’t call much in general, but I’m also afraid that given how hard text conversations are to keep going, we might end up with awkward silences like what was kind of happening with my friend.
Liz Lemon
You didn’t say how long you were dating the guy before the pandemic, how long and how often did you see each other? I feel like it depends on how well you knew each other before this all started. I’m assuming you dated a short time and didn’t know each other that well, if you’re talking about checking on only once every 1-2 weeks. That’s not very often to sustain a connection, so I assume you were casually dating?
But yeah, I know what you mean, the quarantine/pandemic has definitely taken a toll on people. My state is reopening so it’s starting to get better, but it’s still hard when life is so disrupted.
Does he ever contact you, or are you the one always initiating? I hope he’s been initiating…that’s how you gauge his interest.
sp
It was since Halloween, but the holidays and a very busy work schedule in the early couple months meant that I wouldn’t call it 5 months of in person before quarantine. But we’re definitely not strangers by any means.
For initiation, recently it feels like me moreso than him. In the beginning of quarantine, it was pretty equal, but we still had things to talk about then with the virus just starting to be noticed and transitioning to lockdown. Around 6 weeks ago, so 2-3 months into being apart, I backed off just a bit and he initiated a lot, like every day for a bit, and we sustained some conversations sharing some minutiae of our daily lives. Then I started initiating more, and he sometimes initiates but not as frequently as I do now. I don’t know exactly what happened with the drop off from him, it might be partially explained by us once again running out of things to say.
It does seem like he has to put in more effort in a way or be more creative to think of something to say or share that’s not just “Hey how are you?” My coworkers and I constantly talk about how fortunate we are that we feel like there’s a lot of interest and variety, and even staying home doesn’t feel monotonous just due to the nature of our work, but that’s not the case for what I know from his work.
Liz Lemon
At this point, you’ve been separated longer than you were really dating (if you started around Halloween and the first couple months were sporadic due to the holidays, you basically dated seriously between January- mid-March– right?). And you have no idea when you will see each other again. So I think whatever you had is just dying out because of the separation. You can’t build a bond with someone you never see.
Do you have any idea when you can start seeing each other again? A month from now? Two months, three? From what you’ve written I really think this is just sputtering out like a car running out of gas. So I wouldn’t force it. You don’t want communicating with you to feel like work for him, and it sounds like it’s starting to. You want him to be happy and eager to talk to you, not struggling to find things to say. And I wouldn’t do the majority of the initiating. Let him initiate more. If it means communicating less for the next month or two or until you can see each other again, so be it.
kaye
First of all, if I’m dating someone for 5 months I would expect daily conversation. So going a week or two without talking to me would seem weird. When my husband and I were dating he never wanted to talk about himself or have deep conversations over text. He was always a phone call or in person kind of guy. I find it strange you are running out of things to talk about or the conversations are getting boring but that’s not happening with friends or anyone else in your life. My husband and I still never run out of things to talk about even though we see each other on a daily basis. I just find it strange. The only times I remember it being a struggle to have a conversation with a guy I was dating is when I realized we just weren’t a good fit and not compatible. I can’t stand being around someone where I have to carry the entire conversation or it’s like pulling teeth to get them to talk. That’s not someone I enjoy spending time with.
Also I don’t understand why the two of you can’t see each other and maintain social distancing. Like go to the park and have a picnic together where you eat bring your own food and stay 6 feet apart on your own blankets. Enjoy the beautiful weather, get out of the house and get to see each other and break up this monotony without risking spreading anything between you. Or sit in the back yard and watch a movie projected onto a sheet or wall. Each bring your own popcorn and drinks and sit 6 feet apart. There are so many options available I’m not sure why you can’t come up with one. That way you can see if there is still a connection between you and if he’s open and shares in person like he used to or if this whole thing has totally fizzled out. Why waste more months waiting on his quarantine to be over if this has run its course?
sp
I’d like to do a distanced date, I’m just hesitating a bit because I feel like the information keeps changing, like a few weeks ago people were saying 6 feet wasn’t enough, now it might be, it’s hard to tell. And I was thinking of it more before, but now with second waves popping up where we live, I think I’ll have to wait.
If this is fizzling out, is there a way to prevent it from dying out completely? Or keep open the option of seeing each other eventually and maybe trying to pick it back up? He’s pretty warm when he responds when I initiate. I know I should let him initiate more, but I just feel like if we stopped talking completely, even if things opened up, it would be weird to try to pick it back up. Even if things are fizzling out right now, I’d really hope he’d be willing to see what happens and if feelings come back when we get to see each other in person again. But otherwise it would feel like we ended because of unprecedented circumstances, and of course this is a minor problem compared to what many others are going through right now in the world, but I want to try to not let a difficult situation created by an external event be the reason we don’t get a chance to continue the relationship.
I wish he would just come forward and tell me like “Let’s put this on hold and revisit it when we can” or even ending it and letting me go.
Kaye, this might be a small point but I think you misread me above-the running out of things to say right now is happening to my conversations with a close friend too. It’s just that other people in my life seem to be more willing to talk about themselves over text, while this guy has always seemed to more often steer the conversation away from himself while texting but not at all in person.
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