Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Coping with a stressed partner
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Abbey
Hey…
My partner and I have been dating for 7 months now. Unfortunately due to covid and travel restrictions I’ve not seen him in 6 months, and I’m still not sure when I’ll see him again. So technically, we were only together for one
He’s been super stressed for the last several weeks because of work. He’s company is shutting down and he’s afraid he’ll not get another job anyyime soon. The places he’s been applying are taking too long to respond.
My bf is a successfull 37 year old who loves a flashy lifestyle, buys luxurious cars on a whim etc. So he’s afraid if he loses his job he’ll get a lower paying job that won’t finance his lifestyle. Additionally, he feels like he’ll be a loser amongst his friends because they’ve all been going up their career ladders.
In the past, he’d confide in me and he’d rant, and I’d be there for him. But for the last three weeks, he’s withdrawn completely. He doesn’t respond to texts, phonecalls, nothing. It’s been three weeks since we spoke. He’s only texted me once to say he’s stressed and things are getting worse for him.
I’ve tried my best to be supportive. I’ve asked him how he’d like me to support me him but he never says anything.
I’m not sure how long this will go on. But it’s really affecting our relationship especially with the long distance.
I’d appreciate support and advice on how to cope.
Raven
Why have you not seen him in 6 months?!
Abbey
@Raven international borders were closed because of COVID. He went for a work assignment in March and borders have been closed since.
Abbey
@Raven international borders were closed because of COVID. He went for a work assignment in March and borders have been closed since.
Newbie
I dont think he is your partner. You saw each other for a month and since then just online stuff. I know thats not your fault but it sure gets in the way of really getting to know each other. You sound nice, too nice. He sounds like a shallow dud who is not really letting you in. I would stop investing time and support in him
Lane
I wouldn’t call him your partner as you haven’t merged your lives together to the point you would be in the same realm of a wife/husband. You’ve barely spent any time together in order to create a strong solid bond (aka “partnership”) which is why he’s not leaning on you and pushing you away.
I don’t think this relationship is going to survive this unless he’s able to find a job of similar wages and standing soon.
Men are very different from women in this department so you won’t ever understand how much a man’s identity is tied to his career and/or status. Men who fall hard and crash financially often shut people out because they don’t want others to see them as a failure. You may think its stupid or ridiculous for a man to think that way but to many men its a major hit to their ego—along the lines of a woman being told she can’t have children at the age of 20 to put it in perspective for you. Its that kind of hit.
A relationship is the easiest thing for a man to shed (let go of) when in facing a crisis. They don’t view relationships like woman do, as they are much lower on their ‘list of needs’ and have a compelling need to go into their mancave (head) and be alone when they feel like their life is spinning out of control.
All you can do at this point is to step waaaaay back, give him a lot of space, be there IF and when he’s ready to talk but DO NOT give him any advice…just listen! That’s really the best way to support a man who’s going through a crisis like this. Its highly possible he’ll completely check out (end it) so I would start preparing yourself for that event if a similar job and income doesn’t materialize soon.
Abbey
Lane, thank you. Everything you said made so much sense, especially how men handle a crisis compared to women.
I’ll stop reaching out completely. And give him the space he needs.
I really do feel I have zero priority in his life. And as much as I want to be understanding, I feel completely abandoned. A text here and a short phone call there would have sufficed, which makes me think that this won’t survive. :-(
I’m personally losing patience as I don’t know how long this will go on. I’ve been tempted to ask if he’s still interested in this. And sometimes I’ve wanted to break up with him. But at the same time I understand he’s going through a difficult time, and he’s depressed so I don’t want to be incosiderate.
Newbie
You have a bf that hasnt talked to you in 3 weeks, total silence on his part and yet you dont want to be inconsiderate. Yes maybe men process work differently, it doesnt mean they get a pass when TOTALLY ignore you.
I would send him a text saying, i understand youre busy and worried about your future. So i think this is not the best time for us to see if we can work out as a couple. Bla bla bye bye take careAbbey
He texted me today.
He is admitted in hospital. He tested positive for Covid 19 a few days ago.
Newbie
And this is the first thing he said in over a month? Do you still consider him as your partner?
I really hate to say this but i dont even believe he is in hospital. The changes of that happening are truelly very slim. 98% people his age have light symptoms.
But anyway he isnt acting as your bf. Have you still not considered saying this isnt working for you?Abbey
Whether we’re still dating or not is of little concern now. I’m more invested in his recovery and wellbeing as a person.
Newbie
You sound nice and normally im not very suspicious but i feel youre getting played even up to the point where i wonder if he is really single (not committed to someone else). How many times you two saw each other the first month? And have the borders been closed all 6 months? I understand you care about him but this whole situation is kind of crazy. I hope you chose whats right for you
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