Could he become violent or am I overreacting?

No you are not overreacting. I’m sure there will be loads of advice about narcissism and gaslighting in this case. All I’m going to say is get out now.

Thanks Amber, I didn’t see your reply when I wrote to Newbie. It’s so helpful with some outside perspective.

He sounds narcissistic and abusive. He also seems to be testing your boundaries. I have a horrible feeling this will get even worse, and it’s unacceptable now.

This is emotional and verbal abuse. It’s not going to improve. This guy has a sadistic streak and has to be right and has to dominate you. Not healthy. This is NOT LOVE, do you hear me??

You are going to be beaten down until you don’t recognize yourself if you stay. GET OUT. I’ve seen this in women around me. It doesn’t end well and they lose time they can never get back.

First of all, if your gut is making you wonder if he might be violent, to the point where you have to come to an internet message board to ask– you should listen to your gut.

You’ve said a lot of unsettling things about him. Not just his use of the word “mincing”. He got angry at you during an argument and said other men would have hit you or thrown you out– that’s completely outrageous! He puts his hand over your mouth when he thinks you talk too much- what?! There are so many red flags about this guy’s behavior. What you’re describing is emotional abuse.

You ask in the subject line if he could become violent. The answer is YES. In fact physical abuse begins with emotional/mental abuse. I was in an abusive relationship in my 20s and it started with verbal abuse, comments, put-downs. It escalated to physical abuse after awhile. Your boyfriend is telling you you’re manipulative and selfish- he wants to make you question your own self-worth so that when he starts hitting you, you’ll think you deserve it (for being manipulative, for being selfish, for talking too much, etc). So the answer to your question is absolutely yes, he could become violent.

Olivia you absolutely need to get out. I agree all that’s been said and I speak to women about domestic violence every week as part of my occupation. Your intuition is spot on! The physical part of domestic violence can begin after YEARS of being with someone – especially if you became pregnant or have the baby because men know they have you right where they need to keep you close. They will sometimes beg you to have a child (because you’ll be chained to them for life basically and more vulnerable and malleable during the pregnancy) while also becoming jealous and punish you for it later.

The parts that are the most disturbing to me are his speaking of why other men would have hit you already. He’s signaling to you so he can refer back to it someday and blame you. Additionally, that’s he’s also already physically signaling to you by placing his hand over your mouth. There are no words to describe how wrong this is. It’s actually already escalated to abuse.

Please do not feel ashamed or that ANY OF THIS is your fault. Your gut is trying to save you now. Please know how smart you are – how worthy of love. Kind, gentle, totally SAFE love. Also if you worry he might harass you or stalk you if you decide to break it off – call your local domestic violence hotline to request an advocate or a sit down with someone knowledgeable about making an exit plan. We are all wishing you well.

I was in an abusive relationship — before it became abusive, there were little red flags like this that I schose to ignore or talk myself out of because of my fears. I understand Lane’s point when she says he’s not here to give his side of the story, but nonetheless….

You sound scared of him. It doesn’t matter at this point if you “don’t really think he would hit” you. (your words) It matters that you are scared of him.

I’m sorry dear but step back and read what you posted with a bit of distance.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts! It’s been really helpful. We’ve been together for 6 months, but things has been kind of rushed. He early on declared that I’m the one. It’s right he’s not here to defend himself, I just haven’t had anyone say the stuff he says to me before. Placing his hand over my mouth never happens when we have a disagreement, rather it’s when everything is good. Like when I’m excited or just telling him something, he will interrupt me with the hand. He talks a lot himself, but I would never do it to him. I tried to bring up the fact that we have quite different communication styles in conflict, but he just dismissed it saying I’m too theoretical and problem focused. If it was up to him we would have been married at this point trying for babies. It’s like all of you wrote, this is not a healthy relationship and I need to leave him. Now I’m just really nervous about his reaction.