Could he still be hung up on his Ex?

Here’s the thing. You don’t know this guy. You’ve never met. So there’s no way to know if he’s over his ex or not.

This is a good example of why you shouldn’t talk to a guy too much before you actually meet. You’ve never met, you’ve only been talking 2 weeks, and you’re having deep conversations about his past relationship. That’s too soon. Too much contact before meeting creates a false sense of intimacy. You think you know the person but you don’t.

The only way you know a guy’s intentions is by meeting him, spending time with him in person, and talking to him in person.

Another bit of advice, “what if….” questions are never good! Especially with someone you don’t know. Asking him what he would have done about his ex, blah blah blah is pointless. He’s not with her now. Asking those kinds of questions just creates uncertainty and doubts in your head, as you can see now. When you’re first getting to know a guy, don’t press heavy conversations…that stuff will come out in time. The first weeks of getting to know a guy are about seeing if he’s a good fit for you and if you’re compatible. If it seems you are, you can get into the relationship conversations. But not before you’ve even met.

Give this guy a chance. Don’t make assumptions about his feelings for his ex, or what he would do. Just meet and see if you have chemistry and click. When I met my bf, his ex was pursuing him to reconcile, but he had no interest whatsoever in getting back with her. They have a child together so she was trying to convince him to get back together for the child’s sake. I didn’t worry about it or make an issue of it, I figured if he wanted to be with her he would; and he wound up falling for me, hard, and soon made it really clear to his ex (he put it in writing, he wrote her a formal email) that he was in love with me, there was no way he’d ever get back with her, and she needed to back off. And she did. That was 4 years ago and we’re still together and the ex has not been an issue.

My point is, for all you know, you and this guy might really click and fall for each other, and at that point it wouldn’t matter about the ex. You just don’t know. But if you go into the dating situation obsessing over his ex, you’ll kill your vibe and kill any chance of something blossoming between you two.

Everything that Liz Lemon said!

And I would bet money you will meet and not “click.”

When you spend so much time time talking before you meet, it’s almost invariably a let-down when you get face to face. I’ve experienced this and watched many friends experience this, time after time. What happens is you’ve developed an attachment to an idea and a voice already and reality rarely matches who you’ve decided they are. It’s just awkward.

Also, you’re already too invested because you’ve accepted his word that he wants something serious. You’re already vetting him as a life partner instead of just chilling out and meeting him to see if you feel any interest or attraction on the first date. The first 90 days of dating, you’re just going out to enjoy yourself in his company and evaluate if a man meets your standards and if you’re already halfway down the aisle at the church, you will ignore the truth about him when it comes up, and it will. People can be on their best behavior for only so long. Who someone really is will always shine through for better or for worse, if you’re paying attention.

I hope I”m wrong and you get along fine. But in the future, have a quick chat or two and that’s it before you meet.

He may not have answered your last question because he may have felt you’re making assumptions that he’s not over the ex with all your questions, and he may see your hesitancy and so many questions about an ex from a while ago as a red flag for him to move forward. Has he reached out again since that conversation?

I agree with Liz and Angiebaby. What Poppy said can happen sometimes, but generally will not happen with men who are emotionally mature and have their $hit together. They will be confident in their decisions and give themselves closure about why past situations were incompatible and move on, no need for rebounds. That’s exactly why what Liz and Angiebaby are saying is so important. If you’re really interested in someone, you need to take some time to figure out who they are (not just who you hope they are), of you even like them to begin with, if you’re both compatible, and if they are ready for a relationship and worth it for you to start investing in them (ie can you builda consistent foundation of trust over time). Trying to ask so many questions about an ex before even meeting may seem like it’s a way you can control the situation for yourself and feel like you’re protecting yourself, but the men you need to worry about not being ready aren’t the ones who will be emotionally mature enough to be honest with you from the start anyway because they’re probably not honest about their feelings with themselves. Those men are the ones who say everything is great and then go back to their exes! Giving them time to show you who they are in person and if they are consistent with you and the relationship is naturally escalating over time is how you reliably protect yourself from this. Taking the time to get to know them before completely jumping in with both feet.

You put the cart waaay ahead of the horse here. Those questions were too personal to be asked before even meeting in person, and especially via text. Not trying to make you feel bad, but learn from this because you may have spooked him.

Hi Angiebaby, I know you are right. We both do shift work and so it was hard for us to coordinate a day when we were both off and not asleep during the day. Nonetheless I shouldn’t have been asking those questions. We are meeting tomorrow for breakfast once we both get off from work and see what happens. We either click or we don’t, thank you for responding you my post.

Hello Maddie, I think you hit the nail on the head. Once the conversation steered that way I asked so that is could be prepared. When the answer was not what I expected I did panic.

We both do shift work and he had just worked double but he was home and I was working. He said good night to me via text when I was still typing so yeah maybe he wasn’t ready to get into that conversation at that time. It was past 1:00am. This morning he did answer me. I guess at some point she did try to come back but he told her he was big willing to revisit that relationship. He said he had nothing bad to say about her but he wasn’t going to go back just because it was convenient.

I just told him okay and we went on to talk about other things. I am meeting him tomorrow morning. I’ll see what the extent of the damage was and if we actually click. Thank you for your response Maddie.

What’s done is done- don’t overthink things now! Just go on the date and be relaxed and open minded, observe his behavior and personality, and see how you click. Good luck!