Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › coworker likes me, but already has gf…
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Alexis.
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CFaith
I got a new job receburly and met a guy also working there that I liked right away- it was pretty obvious he liked me, too. He’d flirt with me and try to do anything to get me to smile or laugh. I’m kind of a shy girl, but have warmed up wi up with his efforts. One day I came in a bit depressed, and he noticed it… he worked extra hard cheer me up. And to get close. We work super great as a team and he takes these opportunities to get close, like super close. Yes he’s touched me and vise versa multiple times.
He smiles big and genuinely whenever he sees me.I know that if I need anything he will drop whatever he is doing to help me. He even goes out of his way to give me a hand. I often see him and his friend talking and gesturing towards me.
Now that all said, he has not asked for my number and seems to hold back. Now I know why. He is already in a relationship, but he has never mentioned a gf. He has asked my friend if I have a bf, which I don’t presently. Now I wonder what to do. If I back off, he puts forth more effojrt. But why? I don’t want to get tangled in the middle here.Khadija
You do nothing he has a girlfriend.
Be kind and cordial at work but, that’s it.CFaith
It is very easy to say “do nothing”!
I totally respect that he has a girlfriend but the problem here is I am already doing nothing. I actually went and avoided him 100% the other day, but I can’t do that everyday. It’s impossible. I don’t flirt with him, either.
I just wish I had known it before. Then I could’ve given a cold shoulder or something. But now he’d wonder what is wrong. He’ll already be wondering here…esp. since then I’ve been gone from work sick.
So, thanks Khadija, for your reply, but it wasn’t very helpful. :(Khadija
It’s not about avoiding the guy.
I suggested to be kind and cordial at work.
Keep it professional and if he flirts you can always change the subject.
He will get the hint that you are not interested and move along.Sam
Khadija, your advice was spot on so thank you for it.
CFaith, don’t egg him on. Keep your distance and he will either end his relationship to start something with you or he won’t. My guess is he won’t. Lots of men want constant attention and having a girl at work who flirts with him is an easy way to fill that void. Good luck!
CFaith
It is frustrating when people don’t read what I write or else choose to ignore it.
I will repeat I don’t flirt with him.
And I have been trying to maintain distance.
I feel avoiding him right now will be the best option. And, of course I will be kind and won’t just go and totally ignore him! I do have a heart as well as a head.
Thanks Khadija and Sam for trying to help.Sam
I think it was when you wrote he’s touched me and vise versa that led me to believe at least at some point you gave into the flirting. And that’s the reason he continues to flirt.
But if you have stopped that then he will likely stop in time as well.
Jenny
Who cares if he’ll “wonder” if you give him the cold shoulder. I actually don’t even recommend that. I think you should just treat him like any other person you work with. If he likes you and has a gf that’s his problem not yours… Bottom line, you’re not interested in someone in a relationship so don’t encourage it but don’t avoid him either. Just look at the situation as ‘it is what it is’… You can converse with guys that have girlfriends, yes? I think you’re just leaving out that you actually kinda like him too maybe…?
redcurleysue
I am a friendly person…it is just the way I am.
Some people take it as flirting – some take it as friendly – some take it however.
The point is being friendly will only help you at work…and perhaps this guy is also just being friendly. So I would continue to do what you have done…if he crosses the line and asks you for a date then you can tell him you do not date men with girlfriends.
CFaith
Sam- I think I understand what you’re trying to say- I need to ignore his flirting and maintain distance when he tries to be close. Is that it? :)
Jenny- I’d appreciate it if you would read my first post! I said in the first sentence that I liked him.I won’t deny that!
I have other guy friends at work and some have gf, some are married, and some aren’t. We get along fine. I am not trying to single out this guy. I think it is a natural response when a guy I found attractive is extra friendly towards me to like him back. It was only in the past few days that I learned he had a gf. I had observed that people who were in a relationship made it clear- the girls talk about their bf , and the guys about their gf. It was my mistake to assume he wasn’t.
My knowledge of his relationship didn’t come from him and what I had done (in liking him back) was in total ignorance of his current relationship.
Yes, maybe I do care what he will think.Redcurleysue-
Thanks so much for your kind response. I would have thought that could be the case, but he treats me differently than other girls at work. If it was just friendliness, there wouldn’t be a difference, would there?Lynda
This is really, really simple. You keep making it so hard dear girl.
The more you focus on what you don’t want and avoiding something, the more of it you get. In other words, what you resist persists.
Note it for what it is, which you’ve done. NOW: focus on something else you do want and use your energy for that rather than arguing with the girls here trying to advise you!! :)
Watch the MAD TV “Stop It” video with Bob Newhart and you’ll see my point, loud and clear.
Sam
Yes, i recommend you treat him as a simple coworker while maintaining some level of distance and resist the flirting even though you may be tempted.
CFaith
Thanks Lynda. You’re probably right.
I will not post any more on this topic, but turn my focus to other things.Lynda
Good girl, now you’re talking!
Missy
Hi:
There is a man at work that has a girlfriend and he is flirting with me. He goes out of his way to see me. He has also followed me around. He also has walked on my heels at work as well as reach over me to get something. His girlfriend has seen this and has given me to evil eye.Thank you
rommy
CFaith, read my recent post. been there done that. also tried to deny. didn t agree to meet and so on. till at some.point within about a year i got weak and we kissed.
nd though the gf is me now we went through loads of uneasy and really heavy situations. which i would not wish even to my worst enemies.
u already deny to yourself that u do not do nothing by defending yourself against post.
Laura
CFaith, I am in the same situation. I like a coworker who flirts with me since almost 2 years ago but has never mentioned a girlfriend. I knew about her on Instagram! I think I don’t deserve a guy who flirts with others while he has a girlfriend. I think I’ll treat him in the most professional way I can from now and on.
Anonymous
“Coworker likes me but already has gf…”
Unless you want to be his piece on the side, isn’t the answer to this obvious??? Play with fire, get burnt. Simples.
Alexis
Just came across this post and I know how you feel being in your exact same situation. I know it’s tough and I know it’s confusing but since you now know that he has a girlfriend I would stay friendly with him but keep yourself at a distance until you know he’s no longer in a relationship (should that happen). If you’ve already developed feelings for him it’s best to push those feelings aside. You don’t have to be mean to him and you don’t have to give him the cold shoulder but if you no longer reciprocate his flirting he’ll either get the hint and stop or he’ll end up breaking up with his girlfriend if he’s serious about wanting to potentially date you.
Being in this situation myself I’ve realized there’s no use in flirting, even if it’s fun, because ultimately he IS in a relationship and it’s best to just leave it alone until you know that he’s single. You should be with someone who gives you all of their attention anyways, not half of it.
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