Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › Creating Distance?
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Ss.
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Carrie
I have this guy friend, we are super close. I sometimes have a tendency to want him to say or do things that he doesn’t. We had/have feelings for each other, but for personal reasons, we just cant be a couple. Long story short, I always initiate, but he always answers or calls back, we dont text because I am a neurotic texter so we agreed texting is off limits for us. Well, at one point, he said he wanted to be a better friend and then started initiating calls with me, then he stopped. When I asked about it, he basically says he knows if he wants to talk to me that I will eventually call him. I dont like this, I want to feel like I am important to him. Hes told me he values me and appreciates me, but I guess I feel like I keep putting effort into him and not really getting anything back, but when I ask if he wants an “out” and we just move on, he says no. I dont understand it and its super frustrating! Should I try the no-contact rule, at least the no initiating rule? Im afraid if I dont call him, he just wont call me and I dont know how to get over that.
Anon
Can you explain the history of your relationship and why you can’t be a couple?
Carrie
Also, let me add, when I call him, and hes in a meeting or something, I always say, stop answering when you’re busy lol, but he usually always does. Lately, he said, you told me to stop answering when im busy,. when ive called and hes not answering.. then I just dont seem to get a call back unless I’ve called a couple times. Hes so hard to read, I dont know if he’s checking out and I should just give up or what. I am always comfortable calling him out, but it usually starts an argument that is something like this ” its every week you tell me what im doing wrong” and then I defend myself, and he apologizes and says hes having a bad day.. anyway, it seems like hes checking out, but then says he isn’t. I dont get it!
Carrie
Anon,
It’s complicated because we both work for the same “employer” in different departments and we are both heads of those departments which could cause issues with our type of work. Our relationship is complicated. We started talking, he was sooo interested, knows everything about me, I know everything about him, then he had to “stop talking to me because he liked me too much” so he was a flake back and forth for about 5 months, now its more calm and we’ve stayed friends, just close, but I am bad about wanting to talk to my close friends all the time, and when he doesnt I freak out thinking something has changed.Carrie
and its been about a year
Anon
I am guessing you want to be more than friends? If so, you are going to be feeling like this. I don’t think he is interested in being more than friends as he would have pursued this as you are clearly interested in him. If you can’t be a couple and you want to be more than friends- what would you be? It’s not really fair to either of you not to pursue a complete relationship. And I don’t know how you can be only friends with someone you have feelings for. Does this make sense?
Carrie
absolutely makes sense, but I know it’s best for us both to just remain friends. I guess, it’s like, how to I get rid of the feelings I have of wanting more than friends, especially since it seems as if he’s kind of checked out yknow? I want to salvage what we have, but I also don’t want him to do a slow fade on me. He said he would absolutely tell me if that was the case, but since we both know so much about each other, and hes a super stressed out person with his job, that he’s afraid of making me neurotic if he just says, we’re done.. if that makes sense! Ive asked him that before, flat out and he said no, he trusts I wouldnt ever tell anyone anything about him, but I think I might just overthink everything. I don’t want to be more than friends, unfortunately, I do have more than friendly feelings, but I feel like I want to be important enough for him to make a more valid effort for me. I hope this is clarifying anything and making more sense?
Carrie
I just dont understand why I keep putting so much effort into him and wantnig so much more if I also don’t want a relationship. I want to be his best friend and I want to talk to him daily and I guess he just doesnt see the point in that? I don’t know, that is why I am here, haha. I need to know how to just back off before I do blow it. I guess I should assume if he wants to talk to me he will call me?
Anon
If you have a strong foundation of a friendship then it will sustain itself. Men only do a fade if the relationship is creating more problems than it’s worth. So, in order to not have feelings, you need to not contact him and spend so much time with him until you can get to the point of being completely OK if you were to see him with another woman. Keep that in mind when you’re thinking how you want to be or are just his friend.
Carrie
Sometimes with my impatience, insecurity of our relationship and neuroticness, I think sometimes he does think im not worth it, but he always comes back, and I dont know why
Anon
I think you are impatient on top of wanting this guy to be your boyfriend. Maybe you are young so I’ll give you the benefit of a doubt, but no one can give you different advice unless you explain more detailed reasons you can’t be a couple because you are looking for him to be attentive to you like a boyfriend without being a boyfriend? It doesn’t really make sense.
Ss
You say he always comes back but he doesn’t- you call him. You initiate. The reality here is that you don’t want to be his friend. You want more. You’ve convinced yourself you don’t but i don’t have a single friend that i feel the need to speak to daily. I don’t think what you want from him is reasonable. Daily contact – and we are talking calls not just texts so its more of a time drain – are not for friends that is something you do with your gf/bf.
I don’t get the whole does he want to “check out” thing as he isn’t dating you … there is nothing to check out from.
Also the fact you guys have agreed to not text bc it makes you neurotic is pretty concerning. You should a bit unstable, like you want more from him and you expect to be treated like a gf when you are not his gf.
You need to step out of this situation bc its not healthy at all. At some point he’ll get a gf and you will not cope bc i guarantee you at that point his responding to your daily calls will end as its not normal for a friendship.
Drop him, stay friendly if you wish but you need to end this farce and move on
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