Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Cut off with no explanation
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Paige.
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Luisa
Hi everyone! I’lll try to summarize as much as I can.
About 4 months ago I met this guy online, since our first date we became inseparable. This guy treated me so well, he would never let me pay for any of our dates, ( I’d convince him to let me pay here and there) he would buy me small gifts that I’d find so meaningful, he’d drive to see me after work no matter how tired he was (as I would too, I loved spending time with him and an hour and a half drive was nothing to us) He was there for me, supportive of my goals, always pushing me to do better. He would remind me he cared about me and wanted to see me happy. He was very attentive, I obviously caught feelings for him, not one day went by that we wouldn’t communicate. In the span of 4 months, I caught feelings for him. Man was I stupid for that and should have known better. Now I’m here crying over a man that couldn’t even give me an explanation haha.
About three weeks ago or so, things changed. He started giving me excuses as to why he wouldn’t text back or call. The common ones being “sorry I fell asleep” or “sorry left my phone at home” I really didn’t pay much attention to that. Like now that I think about it I’m like wow, you really weren’t thinking the worst then? I clearly was so into him I failed to look at the signs. So I’d be like oh don’t worry about it, stupid I know.
One day out of the blue, he stopped replying to me. I was worried thinking the worst. I was used to speaking to him everyday so it was really unexpected. I was thinking okay he ghosted me. (This is when I was finally thinking of the red flags) so I told myself I was not getting in contact with him and that I was going to wait till he got in contact with me. Well a week passed, & nothing from him still. I wanted to make sure he was alright, so I texted him asking how he was doing. He replied about 20 minutes later, letting me know he was okay. We texted for a bit after that, he was letting me know what he had been up to and vice versa. Then he stopped replying again. And that was my answer.
So now it’s been another 5 days with no contact from him.
I know I know. I should have never texted him. But trust me I’m not getting in contact with him anymore. I just feel so stupid. The day he stopped replying to me I had the urge to ask him, what’s going on? If you’re no longer interested why can’t you just let me know? But I didn’t do any of that, and thought to myself just let it go, he’s not worth it.
Now I’m just here questioning myself, like thinking over and over what I did wrong. It sucks. I’ve been single for almost three years and in those three years I haven’t opened my heart to anyone. I don’t know why I allowed myself to fall for him so quickly, it just felt right I guess. I have these random theories like, must have met someone better, or he’s talking to his ex again. I just really wish he could have given me a reason. It would have made this so much easier for me. I know it’ll get easier as time goes, it just feels like eternity right now! Do any of you have any similar experiences?T from NY
So many things I want to say!! First of all – I’m so sorry! Being disappointed in love is difficult enough let alone a guy being such a d-bag and not communicating with you about it!!
Mostly I just want to let you know — you have done NOTHING wrong. Texting him to check in was NOT wrong. You needed clarity. Him texting back, acting all normal, and then stopping relying again was of course what you had THOUGHT – but because he was not man enough, or decent enough, to let you know — now you KNOW.
4 months, as well as consistent contact routine is plenty of time for you to DESERVE a proper goodbye from him even if y’all had not defined the relationship. He was cowardly and disrespectful full stop.
Lastly I wanted to remind you and make sure you know – falling for him, opening your heart to someone who was being kind to you, and consistent and showing effort and investment is never wrong. Love is a risk we take and dating is about fun, feelings, hopes and wishes – all the while collecting information. Sometimes information is gradually given. Sometimes it’s very sudden to be given a burst of clarity that the person isn’t on the same page as you or that they have low character.
You’re going to be fine. You will get through this. It was be something you’ll have to work on so that you manage your trust issues with the next guy. But for now – tend to you and be good to you. STOP beating yourself up. He’s the ass who didn’t communicate. Thinking of you!
Amber
Hi Luisa,
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I have been there myself in the past and therefore I can feel and hear your pain through your words. This is unfortunately one of the suckiest thing about the early stages of a relationship. As absolutely exhilarating as it can be, it can also be terrifying. Because we know that men usually decide between the 3 to 6 month mark whether they see long term with the relationship. People say to be cautious, not fall for him too quickly, blah blah…. But easier said than done,right? Especially when they do all the right things. They are consistent, they make you exclusive, they treat you exactly the way a girl likes to be treated.
What happened to you is certainly the worse. I would absolutely not say why he has decided to cut you off so bluntly. We could only speculate. Is it another woman? Is it his ex? Did he still have feelings for his ex while he was with you? So many speculations! But it’s not going to help you.
One thing I can say for certain is, he chose the coward way out. You are right, he should have been straight up, especially after 4 months. As raw as it is right now, this reason alone should be a sign to you that this guy is probably not that amazing after all.
I can’t say that you have done anything wrong from what you’ve written. Except possibly that you started spending too much time with him from too early on. During those early days it pays to pace the dates a bit. You did not mention when you guys started having sex, but I assume from your early feelings and the amount of time you spent together that it started quite early? That’s something else to look out for. Not jumping in to quickly helps to protect our hearts from possible heartbreak during those early days. It is hard to see the red flags when you are infatuated, but the best thing about these awful situations is that we learn to spot the red flags better during our next relationships.
All I can say is, one day at a time. Keep busy, talk to friends. Cry, cry, cry. And in a couple of weeks, you put him on a shelf where he belongs. Honestly, this will pass!
Luisa
Thank you both for your advice! :) Yeah my heart is broken, he didn’t seem to be the type of person that would leave me hanging like that. I’m very disappointed but I know I need to go on with my life. I read our old conversations the other night, and that definitely made me feel worse. I just can’t get myself to delete them just yet. But as you said Amber, one day at a time! I know I’ll be fine, I just need to distract myself :)
Daisy
I’ve totally been where you are. As said before, you shouldn’t beat yourself up for opening yourself up. You were being your genuine self. And this shouldn’t deter you from being open in the future.
But 100%, delete those texts! If you keep picking at a wound, it will never heal!
Paige
I’m so sorry that happened to you. No one deserves to be left hanging like that.
I haven’t been on the receiving end, but I treated two guys that way – both of whom had never been anything but good to me.
What I did was inexcusable.
The only EXPLANATIONS I have for my behavior are:
I was young (21).
I had recently gotten out of a marriage and I didn’t want to get involved with anyone.
The guys were two of four that I was having to deal with and I didn’t have the maturity to handle the situation.
I had married at 18 and didn’t have the social skills to know how to end a relationship kindly, so I just cut off contact with both of them. I wouldn’t take their calls. I had my housemates tell the local guy that I had gone off somewhere with my best friend whenever he came by.
I was a sh*t.
In 2008, my stepmother was dying. On one of my last visits to her, she told me that she had done a lot of people wrong in her life and that she was trying to make things right with as many of them as she could.
After she died, her words stuck with me.
I finally broke down and tracked down one guy and apologized to him. He was gracious enough to forgive me.
I know where the second one is. I’ve even written a letter apologizing, but he’s married now and I don’t want to cause any problems for him in that relationship – so I keep my guilty conscience and hope the universe will arrange an opportunity for me to tell him I’m sorry before we die.
This is a long way of telling you that he will eventually regret the way he has treated you. I don’t know if he will apologize to you, but his actions will become a burden that he will bear for the rest of his life.
I’m sure it doesn’t help you feel better right now, but whenever you feel stupid for trusting him and caring for him, remember that the fault is his – and time will catch up with him eventually.
Good luck. Heal and have a happy life.
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