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Anon.
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wectmall
I am going on my 3rd date with this guy. We are both in our 40s. I have a busy life and so does he. I told him from the beginning that I want to take things slow. I need to do this because it takes me a very LONG time to catch feelings for someone and to trust them. Of course, I did not tell him the REASON why I want to take it slow. As soon as our date is over, he always tries to set something up for a few days later. This is not slow to me. I would like to see him at max once a week but preferably twice a month. I am casually dating with the end goal of finding a long term partner. How do I tell him tonight, when he tries to set something up for the immediate future that I need to take things slow??? I am actually preparing to just tell him it’s not working for me bc I feel suffocated. But, he is a nice guy. I am trying to get to know him slowly. Please help. thanks
Newbie
Him asking you out again is really a good sign. But that doesnt mean you cant space out dates. For me taking the time to get to know a guy and seeing each other spaced out, are two different things. So im not sure what your goal is here. Usually this forum has the opposite of flaky guys
Liz Lemon
Taking it slow is good, but I think it will take a long time to catch feelings for a guy if you only see him twice a month. Just my opinion.
I think it’s fine to tell him you are only available once a week. That’s a reasonable pace for casual dating. If he tries to set up a date in the next few days, just tell him you’re not available until next week. You don’t have to justify why you’re not available.
If he pressures you, that’s not a good sign. You mention you feel suffocated, that’s also not a good sign.
You haven’t given a lot of details. Like Newbie said, I’m not quite sure what your goal is. You say your end goal is to find a long term partner, but in order to do that you will have to spend time dating. It’s healthy to want to pace things at the beginning but you have to be willing to invest time in getting to know someone if your goal is to find a partner. If you feel this guy is pushy or suffocating, he might not be a good match for you. It doesn’t mean he’s not a nice guy, you just might not want the same things.
Tallspicy
No healthy man that wants a real relationship will be ok with 2ce a month and be responsible for your trust issues.
It is reasonable to keep it once a week for the first month or so. You do that by only being available once a week. Are you free tmrw? No, I am free next tues or wed.
wectmall
thanks for the responses! I suppose to be more clear—-I think he is a nice guy. So far, no red flags. But I don’t feel fireworks or butterflies. I do enjoy having a few drinks with him and we laugh and talk easily for the time we have spent together. I think maybe it’s because of my age that I don’t feel the serious urge or pressure to jump into anything. I want the relationship to just flow. Maybe after a few more dates I will feel like I want to see him more, but at this point, I just don’t want to lead him on. Do I say something like, “I really enjoy spending time with you! You know that I have a very busy life and want to take things slow. If you are fine with that, I am too…..Otherwise, I totally understand if you want to part ways as friends”. What I would really like to say is please date other people as well. Don’t put all of your eggs in my basket, bc I need a slow pace…..But I can’t say that
Angel
Best thing is to respond re when you are available / unavailable as Tallspicy suggests, without giving more detail. This is how you pace it. I would not be hinting to him that he should date other people… chances are, he does it anyway and just wants to be nice with you.
I was ghosted more than once by these types of nice guys who are coming on strong at the beginning and seem very eager at first. So strong interest at such early days can be a total illusion and is not an indication of longevity or compatibility. It’s still very early days.
wectmall
thank you so much. I really hope so. I agree that he SHOULD be dating everyone he can. I just hate feeling pressured when we are out on a date and he says, “Hey let’s do this on monday!” And it’s Friday. I always get flustered and agree. Then I am mad at myself bc I like taking time for myself. I am always busy with work, my son, my dogs and my friends. Which he knows. So then a few times, after I agreed, a day or so later, I get back to him and tell him sorry, I cannot do Monday. I always tell him why. Thanks for helping bc I have to get ready soon! I want to handle this the right way. It’s not that I DON”T like him, it’s just that I don’t know. And when I feel pressured, by a guy or a girlfriend, I end up resenting them and ending the relationship
wectmall
I probably should give a little background. I am a flight attendant and fly quite a bit. I am away from home 3 sometimes 4 days a week. So my few days off are precious to me. There is always a lot to do—laundry, shopping, cooking for my next trip—since we have to bring almost all of our food with us due to covid. He knows all of this. But, in addition to having a lot to do on my few days off, I like me time! And I never get it
Liz Lemon
It sounds like you’re being too agreeable. Although it’s a bit obnoxious of him to push you to go out constantly if you’ve made it clear to him that you have a very busy schedule and need “me” time. You have made it clear to him, haven’t you?
I don’t know that you need to make a big speech at this point about taking it slow and parting ways if he doesn’t agree. You’ve had 2 dates at this point. You could just tell him, very clearly, that you enjoy his company but you only have time to see him once a week for now. Don’t agree to see him in 3 days and then get mad at yourself for not having boundaries, and call him up and cancel. That’s sending very mixed signals. Be firm about your availability.
If he has a problem with that or pressures you to see him more than once a week, then the problem is with him. But as I see now, the problem is with you for not having boundaries. You’ve had 2 dates with him and have agreed to see him when you didn’t have time. Don’t agree to a date in 3 days if you don’t have time to see him.
Ss
If you really liked him you would be keen to see him more than twice a month. Relationships are not all about butterflies and sparks but it sounds to me that you just are not feeling IT and are continuing seeing him because he is nice and there is nothing wrong … you just are not that keen.
Newbie
I agree with ss that youre not feeling it. Also you should think if you really want to look for a relationship. Dating takes time and if you lack time, that might work for casual but i doubt it will work for finding a long term partner. It will possible be frustrating for you like in this case, or for the other side who does want serious. I would look into that
Lane
I agree with others in that its impossible to get to know a potential partner without spending time with them to see if you gel in the way partners need to gel in order to make it over the long haul. Once or twice a week (a few days in-between is a normal standard for dating; weekends being prime dates) is a good pace in the beginning. Once or twice a month?
I think it will be very difficult to find a man, at least one who would consider a relationship with a woman, who would be OK with such a minimal time to bond.I don’t think you should continue to date this guy if you know nothing will materialize as its wasting his time and money that could be spent on someone who’s more inline with his dating needs and style. If you’re so strict, stringent and unmovable in your needs then you really should be direct and honest with men upfront so you can attract the proper hermit types (solitary individuals) who you would be better off dating.
Based on your criteria, I would assume the type of men you are seeking and who are capable of committing based on limited contact (bonding time) will represent a very small % of men you come in contact with or meet. On the flip side you are most likely going to meet a very high % of men looking for casual, if using a general dating website.
In a nutshell, you’re going to have to do a copious amount of hay chucking to find that needle. Maybe there’s a “Hermit/Solitary person dating site?” Gosh, there are a slew of dating sites that cater to specific needs/criteria of men and women that I would assume (don’t know if they do or don’t) would make it easier to find a specific type of mate v. dealing with general websites that is geared towards traditional dating which isn’t what you’re looking for. Something to ponder.
Anon
I think it’s pretty simple- you don’t like him that much. Guys do this to women too- not call or ask for another date- because they don’t like the woman that much. I’d move on to date someone you can’t wait to see- it’s not worth it to spend time with someone who you really don’t want to see and feel pressured to see.
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