Dated during COVID but she didn't feel the same way, can I try again later?

This is going to be a long post so here goes. BTW, this was my longest time I dated someone. I’ve never been in a real relationship, even though at the time I considered this one.

We met on Tinder during the first wave. She was really worried about covid so we did a few online dates at first and then in person masked outdoors. It was fun. I thought we had a connection. I kept the online dates creative and we still could do stuff outdoors during the summer. That was when we would hang out the most and longest at a single time, maybe 3 hours. We eventually would try to meet once a week (only for an hour or so) or just hang out online. Winter made it hard. We couldn’t do anything else unfortunately as the second wave hit and everything closed down. I was really worried it would get stale and would be impersonal and difficult to connect beyond the initial attraction since all we could was walk around while holding hands or talk on video chat. I still wasn’t sure where she was at or how much she actually liked me. But she seemed excited to see me in some way and kept dating me exclusively for months (covid style – no sex) and texted everyday. Everything was stretched and we never had a chance to have a deep emotional or physical connection. We would be meet sporadically and never for long. I really hated dating this way. When masked, I could barely see her (glasses) or hear her. It difficult to really connect for me. I prefered online, but then I couldn’t hold her hand or see her in person. It was tough for me cuz I really liked her. I saw a future with her. I would constantly flirt with her and she seemed into me.

So 4 and half months in (which was a long time, but as I said before everything was stretched), I asked if she wanted to meet unmasked and invite her over since we didn’t know when covid would be over. I said I would isolate myself for her. I laid my feelings about her. I said the way we’ve been dating is weird and I wanna get intimate with you. She said “yeah, I know what you mean, its been…(didn’t complete the sentence), I wanna get closer with you too”. I saw that as a sign of interest and that maybe she thought covid dating was weird as well. It was a huge risk for her and she agreed to talk to her family about it, but said we could only do it for a few weeks since it would be christmas and she needed to be with more family.

The following week I asked if she wanted to watch a movie at my place. She came over finally but told me after she came over that she had to leave early. I kissed her then for the first time. We were watching a TV show when her eye had an infection so she had to leave. I wanted to hang out in person to have chance at a strong connection but she was at my place for a total of 45 min. It was not what I wanted. This wasn’t going to change anything. It was barely anything. But she was still fine and good when she left.

This was when things got a little wierd. I texted her again if she could come over. She said only during the afternoon before work. She had a long commute which was another reason why she had to leave early or could only come at noon. Anyway, this meant she could stay for around an hour. I was upset and I texted her that I assumed she wanted to intimate and so far we barely hung out unmasked. I asked her over text if she wanted to stay the night. She said that was a bit of a jump since we just met unmasked and that with covid, work, and winter, the next two months were going to be really hard and that it wasn’t fair to me. She said we needed to talk about it in person. She was going to come over anyway before I asked her to sleep over, but I was worried about what she was going to say. I said no worries, I don’t mind taking it slow. She comes over again and I immediately talk about my feelings more and tell her I was serious about her, wanted a relationship, and wanted to call her my girlfriend at some point. She was smiling and looking sweet throughout this. I then said that the last time we met was too short and asked if she could spare 3 hours at least for once unmasked, even during the day, since it would be a while again since we could do this. I was worried she would have an impression of this based on short time especially since there would be a break after. I basically pleaded with her and suggested all these options about what we could at my place. She told me she would try but she couldn’t unfortunately due to she issues with work timings and distance and that she need to see extended family soon as agreed. I kissed her before she left but I realized I never really got to hear what she had to say. She didn’t tell me anything but was still interested in my life. She was still in a good mood. She even seemed dissappointed that she had to leave. She was only here now for 1 hour. It seemed to go well but I wasn’t confident. I didn’t text her for 5 days after and but then SHE texts me like normal. I’m like ok thats good.

A week later I ask to see her again. She says she can’t cuz of covid and christmas family. But I say I need to give her christmas presents and that we can meet masked. She seemed so excited for that and then said she had something for me too. We met masked and exchanged presents. She was really excited about hers that she opened it at work and texted me about it. She never texts from work. When she gave me mine she said multiple times that she thought about me when she saw this. Seemed like she put some thought into it. When I asked her if we could meet again after the break, she yeah with a slight maybe. But when I said if she wanted to ice skating, she said yeah!

We text during christmas break like everything is normal. After new year, she starts texting less, but I thought maybe that was because she had a new more busy work schedule. A week later, I ask her for a virtual movie. She seemed excited for the movie based on texts. We meet online and she ends it. She said its been impersonal. I said if we could take a break or something cuz I assumed it was all logistics. She said didn’t wanna hang on to something that “may or may not happen”. I asked when she started thinking of this and she said new year, which was 2 weeks after I met her last and 4 weeks after I met her unmasked for the first time for 45 min. I got her hot sauces for christmas and asked her to rank them. I asked her on the break up call if she liked the sauces. She said she ordered them and took a picture. Anyway, I was really shocked by this. She saw how I upset I was and said maybe we can be friends. I said I don’t think I can do that.

A day later, I asked for another call to talk. She called me on video chat again later that week. She then said “I don’t feel the same way about you and I don’t know why and I’m worried that it’s not gonna change and if it doesn’t I’ll just hurt you later”. I was even more shocked by this. I thought it was all logistics (covid, work, distance etc). She maybe its cuz of covid cuz we haven’t been meeting up often. I said yes of course. I told her it gonna get easier from now on. That I can come to you more. That we were just getting started. That we just met unmasked. That we connected throughout covid when it seemed impossible. That its been really hard for us but we were making really slow progress. But she kept saying “I have this worry in my head that it might not change”. I even said we could go on a hike soon and have half a day to ourselves and that then she would know. Yet she kept repeating the same point. She even said she was gonna move closer to me eventually but still was done with me. I didn’t get it. I asked if I did anything wrong or if I pushed her too hard, she said no. Later that night I texted her saying that I wanna end it on good terms. She said that I was really sweet and she was sorry about everything.

How did she go from agreeing to meet unmasked to ending it with less than 2 hours of masked time? WTF happened? Who dates something for that long without going to the next step in anway and ending it the moment we touched? Was I bad kisser? It killed my self esteem thinking it was something physical. She seemed fine after I kissed her and even held my arm when I was walking her back. Or maybe it was the way I pleaded with her to come over for longer after that? I was never angry. I’m not the most alpha guy and I made sure she know my personality early on. I’m a little nervous sometimes. On our last talk where I said I wanted a relationship and more time, I was a little desperate. Was it my confidence? Why text me first after that? Did she know to end it right then but only was nice to me during christmas with the presents and all? Was it actually that she was worried and didn’t wanna take a risk since I was already so committed? That it “may or may not happen” and she was worried? Or did she find something about me that made her lose interest? Or that she couldn’t gain interest? She kept using that “worry” word and I felt like she was telling the truth. But why did she change her mind about me in the middle of nowhere? Or was it the way I acted? Did she like me before and not like me after? Did she never like and was always on the fence? Why be excited for christmas presents from me? But say no to meeting me again until I said I wanted to give her presents? Was it actually covid? Did she not wanna meet me for those 3 hours I asked for due to real logistics or that she didn’t feel the same right then? After 2 hours? Why agree to come over again after the first time? Did she actually start thinking in the middle of the break? Or was it right after I asked her to stay the night and she said we have to talk. Or was it AFTER the relationship talk? How could things have changed to suddenly within 2 hours? We texted almost everyday for 6 months. After I asked to isolate myself for her and she agreed to meet unmasked, we met each for a total of just 5 hours with only 2 of those unmasked during a month and half. I thought maybe it was that she couldn’t feel a stronger connection, but that was clearly due to covid and that fact that she only came over for 2 seperate hours. But she refused any of break and didn’t even wanna give this the benefit of the doubt after 6 months of covid dating. I wish I could have asked her what she was going to say when she said that we needed to talk after I asked to sleep over. If she was gonna end it then, that was only 45 min of unmasked time. But she was still gonna come over before I asked her for that, so idk. Since it was stretched, I have no idea at what point she actually decided I wasn’t the one. It was wierd to go from wanted to hang out unmasked and then not wanting me at all, especially when it was a while before we met and the break up. It could be that she decided early and didn’t wanna do it during christmas. She told me she was thinking of it after new year, but Idk if she was thinking of it then or decided then. It makes no sense. The fact she was pretending to be excited for the movie before the break up is now more confusing because I now have no idea idea when she actually decided and when she was just pretending to be nice to me. If I knew when she changed her mind about me, it would make it easier, but thats so hard to pinpoint since there were so many mixed signals throughout and too many breaks in the middle of very few meetups, unmasked or otherwise. Idk if she got bored of me, or if she didn’t like the way I kissed, or if she felt my confidence was lacking, or that she really didn’t know as she said. And the timing of it makes everything so much worse for me (think about dating someone like that for so long and she ends it the moment you touch, even if the kiss wasn’t the case) since I have no idea when she realized and for that reason why. It was so reckless of her to do this for 6 months and judge this within 2 hours. But Idk what she thought. Or if there was something else and it was just about me. Also, why rank the hot sauces and take a picture of it. That was AFTER we met last. She never sent me the photo, but that was strange since she broke up with me two weeks later.

Now I’m wondering if I could try this again with her after covid ends and if she’s single. I feel like logistics were such huge factor and it was unreprentative. We could barely touch for so long or hang out in a normal setting. I just wanna get coffee with her, which we never did. To show her we could work together. This whole thing was wierd and I feel like it would have worked without covid. But idk if she feels that way because idk why she ended it so quickly after I met her unmasked and asked to be in a relationship. I saw her on the apps again a month later during covid. I know everyone is going to tell me to move on. But I just wanna know if theres a chance. I’m not going to date during covid anymore. It sucks and it hurts too much. I left my country to visit family for a few months and I’m thinking of getting in touch with her somehow once I get back and everything is back to normal.