Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Dated my neighbour, fell for him hard, and now we are trying to be friends
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Nic.
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Helen
Some months ago I was approached by my neighbour on my way home. I was new in the neighbourhood and had no idea of who he was. But he remembered me and my name from going to the same gym a year before. We exchanged numbers and went on a few dates. It might sound lame but it felt like a modern fairytale and I got to experience butterflies, which never happens.
I thought so much of this situation which totally threw me off. As I lost my cool game, I noticed his interest started to slip away. Even if I really tried to play it cool, I probably did every misstake there is when it comes to being needy. Then he was gone. I stepped back for a bit, focused on myself, took on a new hobby. I excepted the rejection and after a while, I was doing good.
But frequently running into him without having him in my life felt strange so after some time apart we started hanging out again. I took it slow, cause I didn’t want the story to repeat itself. It didn’t, but in a way it did. He was back in my life, he reached out, we hung out but something was missing. I knew he liked me but I could feel that he was not falling in love. But I was.
I needed something to change, for better or worse. I didn’t really care at this point. Because the dynamic we had was just sucking the life and joy out of me. So I asked him, what are we really doing here? He was totally caught of guard, poor thing, and asked for some time to think. As expected, he later turned me down. In a way it did hurt, but since I was expecting it I was surprisingly fine. We agreed on being just friends.
If he had been a guy living anywhere else than in my building I would probably just cut him out of my life, and move on. Easy. But since we live in the same building and frequently run into each other, I can’t. It would be like having a ghost on my street. Instead we are friends. He really is a good person, so even if things didn’t work out between us I don’t want to let that go. We hang out, we work out, we cook, we watch movies, we talk, he helps me with my car, he helps me renovate, we even have exchanged keys to water each others plants when needed. It’s a good friendship with a lot of trust. And I am trying really hard to just keep it like that. Sometimes he gets a bit touchy, but I try to ignore it.
I would lie if I said i don’t want anything more than just being friends. Of course I would love to have him as my guy. But I would be a fool to keep my hopes up. So I try really really hard not to be a fool.
I guess the reason I’m sharing my story is because I need some advice on how to stay friends with someone whom you dated and still have feelings for. Because not being friends is not an option. This is not about getting the guy back. This is just about turning a situationship into a good friendship.
Newbie
You are about to step in this pitfall for the third time and the worse thing about it is you created the last two to repeat itself. Why? This man is not a poor thing who needs time to think what he wants. If he wanted you, that would be totally clear to you. The fact that this man lives on your building is your excuse to keep this going and hoping but you are doing yourself a great disservice by continuing this. The third wont be any different but you lost time looking for a guy actually interested and it might get awkward. I bet you dont try to be friends with all the guys in your building, so this guy is no exception. What if you are friends and you see him taking girls home? How would that work for you. Rip of the bandaid now and stop pretending you can be the cool friend
Newbie
If you really want to be a friend there should be no secret you liking him to be your man. You have to let go, and wish him all the luck in your mind to find his match since its clear its not you. Are you ready for that
T from NY
My thoughts:
There is no advice to give in staying friends with someone you’re in love with. It’s a fool’s errand.When you gather enough enough self love – you don’t put yourself in these situations. You don’t allow the feelings and companionship you share with any man to supercede your peace.
By continuing to hang out with him you are also keeping your hand forever on the Hopium pipe. We’ve all been there and we’ve all done it. And it is natural for the hope to be there when you’re crushing on someone. But, again, as you grow more self love – you learn to put the pipe away in a drawer somewhere – be emotionally available to someone who will invest in you – and seek after what is real.
Raven
You can not be ‘friends’ with someone you have romantic feelings for…
mama
It’s one thing to be friendLY with a former love interest, but you are blurring the lines to the point it’s costing you your wellbeing. Go ahead and be friendly. But being “friends” should be off the table until you have enough confidence that you won’t develop feelings again.
In the meantime, set some good strong boundaries for yourself (no more key sharing, watering of plants, hanging out, working out, letting him help you, etc.) and just say hello in passing when you see him.
Think of it this way: By investing in this unrequited relationship (you have all the feelings, he does not), you are taking away energy to put forth in your own life in finding someone who is available and wants you in return. This is like pouring money down the garbage disposal in hopes you’ll get a ring out of it. Not gonna happen. Use your time and energy in a wiser way — invest in yourself and an available man.
Lane
You’re obviously not interested in anyone’s advice so why post again just to ignore it? We all told you to keep your distance, just say hi if you bump into him but don’t engage or interact with him as its just going to torture you while he gets to live his happy merry life being single.
He’s already seen your *crazy* side and wants nothing to do with it as he had no intention of ever being your BF anyway, so you lost a man you never had and will never have.
Go ahead and keep torturing yourself by pretending to be his buddy, pal, friend—your life, your choice.
Helen
This was brutal to read. Have taken some days to process it. I still believe friendship after relationship is possible. I’m good friends with another ex. But back then we ended things on pretty good terms and we let some time pass. Even if me and my neighbour also ended things on good terms, this time it is different.
I have returned all his things and his keys and I’ve decided to leave this behind. Not because a relationship between us didn’t happen, but because I just feel I should not be taken for granted in a relationship nor a friendship. I’m out.
Thank you all for the cold shower. It helped.
Nic
Hi Helen,
I can understand what you’re going through. I had the exact same situation, with a neighbour, who is a great person and we have everything in common… and the sex is mind-blowing. I haven’t gone in for round 2 or friends (round 3). Mostly because I’ve been there, done that, I know where it ends up.What you need to ask yourself is why is it not an option to not be friends? You can be friend-ly, you can make excuses and say no to seeing him. You don’t have to be this close, you managed before and you can again.
You maybe need to realise the harsh reality and move on. This man does not want a relationship with you, and he has an idea of what that person will be and sadly it’s not you. We’ve all been on both sides of this. What you have right now is convenience, using each other for company, chores, housesitting all things you can pay someone to do or ask your real friends.
I say all this, because you clearly will not care about yourself enough to stop this. He is not going to turn around and be your bff, he is hoping you’ll have a lapse in judgement and he can get laid again. And in the emeantime his plants watered and someone to look after him. Your are his mum and his whore. Sorry.
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