Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Dating a Divorced Dad Advice
- This topic has 7 replies and was last updated 2 years, 11 months ago by
Liz Lemon.
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Lemonpop
I met a really great guy 6mths ago and our relationship is amazing apart from one sticking point.
If his ex or kids call, he will literally drop everything to go to them, urgent or non-urgent. There is nothing between him and his ex, but he’s pretty much been single since they divorced and I think he’s been there any time they wanted as he had nothing else to do.
The problem is for me, that this has resulted in situations where he was really late on Boxing Day meeting my family. Had to miss my birthday meal. We lost half of Valentines Day and I had to rearrange plans. Countless times I’ve been sat waiting for him as he’s late or got caught up. Then finally I had to again cancel something important to me, because he got a call to deal with a non-emergency which screwed up our plans.
I’m gutted as we’re barely speaking now. I’ve raised it a couple of times and this time he got defensive, resulting in him saying he’s tried changing but obviously it’s not been successful and he’s not being fair to me. He definitely has made an effort with me and I see it, but again though for example, he took Valentine’s Day off work to be with me and that got messed about.
I actually find it all hurtful and him implying we should split up, because I’ve not been unreasonable, I’ve just said when it’s not urgent can he try to manage the situation better.
I don’t want to lose the guy. But I’m the same sentence I dread making arrangements as I know if his phone goes, that’s out plans screwed. Any advice x
Raven
He is too enmeshed in his (ex) family… Let him go.
Honesty Rocks
I dated a guy like this and it was ridiculous. His ex was an extremely nasty and vindictive person so he just went along with everything she wanted to keep the peace. She would say really nasty things to him and was really ungrateful for all he did. And he was so good watching the kids and all. I actually lost all respect for him as I
Realised he wasn’t just a good dad, he was a doormat with no backbone. Not for me. I’m not saying this is your guys scenario but it could be.AngieBaby
I’ve had to learn the hard way to avoid men who can’t set and maintain appropriate boundaries, especially with exes and children. It’s an unhealthy dynamic. It’s not your fault and there’s nothing you can do if he doesn’t want to change. I’m with Honesty on guys like this are doormats. I lose respect and trust for guys like this, fast, and they are unreliable partners.
He’s shown you repeatedly where his priorities are – not with you. I know you “don’t want to lose him” but you’re wasting your time at this point sticking around hoping he’ll treat you right. Let him go and find someone better for you.
Maddie
His children should of course take priority when they need something. But that doesn’t mean you should never be the priority. You’ve had enough time and examples of his patterns, and they aren’t going to change. I see this as Boxing Day / Meet the Parents, your birthday, and Valentine’s Day: 3 strikes, you’re out. That’s even being generous, as 3 is more than enough to be sure! And those are just the special days he should have tried harder, that’s not even counting the 6 months of daily choices he’s made.
The other posters are giving good advice. If you stay with him, this is how the dynamic will always be. Don’t expect him to change, that’s just a recipe for further disappointment.
Liz Lemon
I’m dating a divorced dad (his child is 10 years old, so is still quite young) and I totally agree with the advice above. Of course dads have to be attentive to their kids, but it doesn’t mean having no boundaries whatsoever! \
If his relationship with you is going to progress, you have to be a priority too. Missing your birthday, missing half of Valentine’s Day, being late to meet your parents– all because of non-emergencies– is unforgivable in my book.
You say you don’t want to lose this guy, but I’m sorry to have to say, you don’t have him. Raven is right, he is far too enmeshed in his ex-family dynamic to give you and your relationship the attention it deserves. As others have said, he’s not going to change. Do yourself a favor and move on. You deserve to be with a guy who will make you a priority in his life and not drop you on your birthday (!) because of some non-emergency from his ex-wife or kids.
tammy
agree with the posters above. to have a successful relationship with you, he needs to make space for you in his life, manage his time better and lay down boundaries. when he was single and hadn’t met you, it was ok for him to be at their beck and call if that’s what he/they wanted. but now your there in his life. so he needs to make adjustments and give time to you and this relationship with you as well. but he is still doing what he did earlier and expects you to understand each time.. you may have to cut him loose.
Liz Lemon
I actually don’t think it’s OK for a guy to be at the beck and call of his ex and kids even if he were single. Healthy boundaries are important. No one should be expected to jump up and drop everything just because someone else (even if it is their kids) snaps their fingers. And I’m a divorced mom dating a divorced dad, so I’m very aware of the challenges of dating as a parent.
So this behavior in a guy I were newly dating would be a red flag to me. There’s no reason for someone to constantly drop everything and go running every time their ex-wife or kids beckon, unless he’s enmeshed and emotionally unhealthy. My advice in the future is to walk away if you meet other guys like this while dating. At this point you’ve dated for 6 months, he’s met your parents, you’re quite attached- and he’s not going to change. In the future if you meet a guy like this, don’t get involved. Sorry this is happening!
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