Dating a Medical Resident Guy – Expectations

I have posted in the past about my experience dating a medical student /1st year resident for two years. It was one of the best relationships of my life but that’s because the guy was really committed to me. Dating a resident will only be successful if the guy is really monogamist in his nature or in a place where he wants to be in a stable, steady partnership despite his current study/career requirements. Typically the way the US medical educations are set up – people doing residencies (especially specialty residences such as surgery) have to give almost 100 percent of the energy and stamina to the rotations in order to do well. Any smidge of free time will usually only allow for studying, sleeping, eating and-or sex.

Dating someone going through med school means being strong and independent as well as communicating effectively for your needs while also compromising. If he has already asked you to be exclusive than I would ask yourself what kind of contact would you like to have? Get real with your desires, then ask for about half of that. (Haha. Sorry) It is OK if he is your boyfriend to gently ask for things that will make you happy – such as calendaring your dates ahead of time and being organized about it. Or for quick texts to let you know he’s thinking of you that don’t require an exchange.(That’s what my ex and I had to do).

If you are not exclusive – and are only 2 months in I would tread lightly until you are further along unless he makes overt comments about what he wants. Dating someone so busy requires giving a little more time (maybe 3-4 months) before you would ask what y’all are doing. ASSUME he is dating others and possibly flirting with or sleeping with other female residents unless he is your boyfriend and I would also continue to see other men. Bottom line although I’m suggesting and believe that dating someone in such a demanding position means you’ll have to be able to often times only get your needs met minimally – if it doesn’t make you happy don’t stick with it. If he’s not able to multi task, get creative and make you at least one of his priorities by progressing the relationship eventually – there is nothing you can do but choose someone else who has more time and energy to give to you.

Have you met this guy in person? Or is it an internet LDR where you haven’t met?

Thats not dating. This is not even having a penpal since he can go by a week without saying anything. There is no point on calling him out. You cant force someone to be interested and he is clearly not. Youre waisting your time, im sorry to say

You are not his GF, heck, not even ‘a friend’ at this juncture just someone he’s chatting with on occasion. You are not in a position to call him out—you are just someone he’s showing some mild interest in at the moment, that’s it.

Long distance doesn’t work for over 95% of the population because that’s not how relationships were designed among the human specie. Those who do thrive or survive it is because the connection/bond was already made BEFORE the LD started, and is due to job requirements (military, truck drivers, pilots, etc.)—not living in different states or continents, or too far to see each other often enough (solely dependent on the two people involved), in order to keep the bond/connection strong.

I suspect this won’t last much longer, and you will stop hearing from him the moment you say anything (complain, whine, confront him) about his communication/contact where he’ll throw out the “I’m really busy…blah, blah blah” bomb, then drop you. I wouldn’t bet a penny this will last much longer as its clear you don’t have the right personality to deal with not only an LDR but professions such as his. Those relationships require a very specific breed/type of woman—those who are fiercely independent, strong, confident, and non-reliant on the man (fully capable of managing things on her own), in order to survive them.

I happen to be one of them, where they will only work, and last, if you are not reliant on any type of schedule (lot of plans will be cancelled last minute); and can easily go days/weeks without hearing from them because you have a full and busy life of your own…if not, you are not going to make it.

If you read lane’s response carefully you see its not judgemental but a statement about what type of person can handle ldr. Its not been said thats not you. In fact the statement is quite true. You have to be really secure, have good lines of communication and not count texts. I think in your case this is all this irrelevant since you have never met the guy. I dont know why the two of you decided to give each other a try without ever meeting but that still doesnt change the fact he is not consistent in reaching out. The fact he does now and then means nothing. I have plenty of friends i reach out to now and then. If you really had the idea this was dating then Yes i think you should ask him about his intentions. Better have a clear idea so you can move on if needed.

Hi,

Yes we have spoken about his schedule and I do know that from my end I would have to be the one hoping on a plane to go see him a lot more than he would be able if things go well.

In terms of communication, I dont expect a full on conversation every day of the week because that wouldnt be realistic in terms of my personal life but also his schedule. This is not someone who has a 9 to 5 job with free time after. What I do want however is not to go a full week without contact because that throws me off. A quick text in between that doesnt require a conversation just to know I am on his mind would do it.

As you can read in my previous posts, we did have plans to meet and it was supposed to be during easter break for a week. Now with the borders being closed we havent planned again for it, since closure keeps being extended.

To clarify: I’m not saying he isn’t interested in meeting you. It sounds like he is. But he said he would like to meet you and spend time together face to face before you formally enter a relationship, right? So at this point it doesn’t sound like he’s terribly invested, given his long silences. So until you two can meet, you should probably rein in your expectations. You can’t expect him to act like a boyfriend when you haven’t even met, much less not entered a relationship yet.

Hi Liz,

Well I agreee with you maybe thats the problem. I cant have expectations since I havent met him yet and maybe that’s why he isnt as invested because we havent seen each other and dont know when we will because of the virus. With that being said, I think ill just keep things on the low until we meet and take it from there.

Actually, yes the dates were set. Tickets were bought and everything else booked.

That’s a good mindset for now. Keep expectations low. One thing that a lot of people say on this website, which I find to be really true, is that men bond through actions, not words. Women bond through talking, but men don’t. Men need to spend time in your presence and do things and experience things with you in order to get attached to you. So the fact that you have not spent time in each others’ physical presence has hindered his bonding with you.

Hopefully you can meet him very soon and take it from there. If he’s only a 1 hour flight away, maybe you could take a train, or even drive? (A 1-hour flight is maybe a 6 hour drive or so?). Just an idea, so you don’t have to wait for a flight. And Newbie is 100% correct that if a man feels “it” with you, wants to date and have a relationship with you– he’ll do it. He won’t leave you wondering, no matter how busy his schedule is.

Hi Liz,

True . And I think this is why he isnt giving his 100% . Its hard for men when they havent seen the girl face to face.

Liz unfortunately because the borders are closed … cant even do it by car :(

I dont want to take a definite decision about him until I actually see him but ill just keep things on the low for now